Why Are My Intended Parents Not as Excited as Me? Understanding Intended Parent Emotions During Surrogacy

You’ve just matched with your intended parents, and you’re feeling excited about the journey ahead. You’re ready to celebrate this new connection—but their emotions seem quieter than you imagined. Does it mean they aren’t excited? Does it mean they aren’t as invested in the journey?

When you make the life-changing decision to become a surrogate, it’s natural to feel a deep sense of excitement. You may find yourself eager to share updates, celebrate milestones, and look forward to the day you help welcome a baby into the world. But intended parents may express their emotions differently than you expect.

If your intended parents seem quiet, cautious, or emotionally reserved, it does not necessarily mean they are disconnected from the journey. Many intended parents are experiencing a complex mix of joy, hope, anxiety, and vulnerability—especially if they have faced infertility, pregnancy loss, unsuccessful fertility treatments, or other challenges on their path to parenthood.

Surrogates and intended parents often begin this journey with different emotional experiences. As the person carrying the pregnancy, you may feel an immediate connection because you are experiencing the physical and daily realities of pregnancy.

Intended parents, meanwhile, may be balancing excitement with years of hope, uncertainty, and past experiences that shape how they process and express their emotions. For some, holding back emotionally can be a way of protecting their hearts until the journey feels more certain. 

A quieter response does not mean they are less invested—it may simply mean their excitement looks different than yours.

Another thing to consider is that being an intended parent can have an element of relinquishing a sense of control over parts of the family-building journey. As one intended parent put it, “It feels a bit like being a backseat driver. We feel like we are along for the ride, and headed in the same direction, but we are not steering the car.”

Many intended parents feel an incredible amount of gratitude toward their surrogate, even if they express that gratitude in ways that may not always be immediately visible. Their appreciation may show up through thoughtful communication, respect for your experience, and the effort they put into building a strong relationship with you throughout the journey.

3 Reasons Your Intended Parents May Seem Less Excited

1. Past Challenges and Heartbreak

For many intended parents, surrogacy comes after a long and emotional path to parenthood. Some have experienced years of infertility, unsuccessful fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, adoption challenges, or previous unsuccessful attempts to grow their family through surrogacy.

These experiences can shape how intended parents approach the journey. They may feel hopeful and excited while also holding back emotionally until milestones feel more certain. This is often a way of protecting themselves from further disappointment—not a reflection of how much they want to become parents or how grateful they are for their surrogate.

What may appear as emotional distance is often a response to the uncertainty they have carried for years. Understanding this can help surrogates approach the relationship with empathy and compassion.

2. Navigating Stress and Uncertainty

Even when a surrogacy journey is going smoothly, intended parents may experience a sense of uncertainty or hesitancy. Unlike a traditional pregnancy, intended parents experience pregnancy through the support and partnership of their surrogate, rather than carrying the baby themselves.

Many intended parents deeply appreciate updates and communication because it helps them feel connected to the pregnancy. At the same time, they may be managing worries, questions, and emotions of their own. Some may choose to keep those concerns private, focusing instead on supporting their surrogate and trusting the process.

People also express excitement differently. Some intended parents may send frequent messages, ask many questions, and openly share their emotions. Others may show their excitement by being thoughtful, prepared, and focused on supporting their surrogate. Neither approach means one person cares more than the other.

3. Financial and Life Planning Considerations

Building a family through surrogacy requires a significant investment of time, energy, and resources. In addition to preparing emotionally for a new child, intended parents are often managing legal processes, medical appointments, travel arrangements, and financial planning.

While these responsibilities don’t diminish their excitement, they can sometimes make intended parents appear distracted or preoccupied. Behind the scenes, they may be working hard to ensure everything is in place for the arrival of their baby.

Remember that every intended parent processes this journey differently. Some express excitement openly, while others take a more reserved and protected approach. Neither response reflects how much they care about the pregnancy or the child they are preparing to welcome into their family. And neither approach is meant to detract from the immense appreciation they feel for your efforts as their surrogate.

3 Ways A Surrogate Can Help

It’s also important for surrogates to acknowledge their own emotions. Feeling disappointed, confused, or unsure when intended parents seem reserved does not mean you lack empathy—it means you are invested in building a meaningful relationship. Open communication can help both sides better understand each other’s experiences.

It’s also okay if their quieter response brings up difficult feelings for you. Surrogates often invest emotionally in the relationship they are building with their intended parents, and it’s natural to hope that excitement feels mutual. Acknowledging those feelings can help you approach the relationship with honesty and compassion rather than uncertainty.

Strong surrogacy relationships are built when both surrogates and intended parents have space to express their emotions. Curiosity and compassion can help prevent misunderstandings and create a foundation of trust throughout the journey. When both sides feel heard and understood, it creates a stronger connection throughout the surrogacy experience.

Lead with Empathy

Every surrogacy journey is unique, and every intended parent processes emotions differently. While it may be difficult to fully understand what they’re experiencing, remember that many intended parents have faced years of challenges, uncertainty, and setbacks before reaching this point.

If they seem reserved or cautious, try not to interpret it as a lack of excitement. Their emotions may simply look different than yours. 

Keep Communication Open

Building trust with intended parents is very important to a successful journey. One of the best ways to build a strong relationship with your intended parents is through honest and respectful communication. Share updates, celebrate milestones together, and create space for meaningful conversations when appropriate.

At the same time, be mindful that some topics—such as previous fertility treatments, pregnancy losses, or unsuccessful attempts to build a family—may be deeply personal. Follow your intended parents’ lead and allow them to share at a pace that feels comfortable for them.

If you’re unsure how to interpret your intended parents’ communication style or emotions, your ConceiveAbilities team can help you navigate those conversations and build understanding throughout the journey.

Lean on Your Support System

While your intended parents are an important part of your journey, they don’t have to be your only source of support. Family members, friends, fellow surrogates, and your dedicated Match Experience team can all provide encouragement, understanding, and a listening ear throughout the process.

Celebrate your milestones, share your experiences, and don’t hesitate to reach out when you need support yourself.

Understanding your intended parents’ emotions is an important part of building a meaningful surrogacy relationship. At ConceiveAbilities, we’re here to support you every step of the way—from finding the right match and navigating communication to providing guidance throughout pregnancy and beyond.

Learn more about how ConceiveAbilities supports strong surrogate-intended parent relationships through our Matching Matters™  process built on trust, communication, and shared understanding.

If you’re considering becoming a surrogate, you don’t have to take the journey alone. Join a community dedicated to supporting women who are changing lives through surrogacy.