Who Am I

I am not sure who really could relate to this but I do want to share my store. When I was 17 years old I graduated high school and got pregnant, I really did not have time to figure out what I wanted in life or who I was going to become. At 18 I gave had my baby, right there I became mom, I did not think anything else about it. I had it in my mind that I was going to be the best mom even though I was young, I would do anything for my baby.

I tried to make a relationship work for my baby, but faking something that is not there was not good not just for myself but for the baby as well. I told myself that he would do better as a father if we were not together and so it was. I was a single mom until for a year, having to face many difficult decisions that I probably have a better understanding if I was older. At 20 years old I found my soulmate, not only did he accept me but he loved my baby as if he was the father. We got married in June and from there I became a wife, for all I knew I was mom and now wife and that is who I was.

We moved into a home and gave my husband three more babies. Now I was not just mom and wife but a homemaker as well, this is who I was suppose to be so I thought. For years I held this title of mom, wife and homemaker, until one day when my husband stated that the kids are starting to get a little older and I should start looking for a part time job so I wouldn't be home all day. That sounds amazing to me, I was beginning to get a little stir crazy from begin at home all day with the kids. Honestly I was bored, I was bored of being a mom, wife and homemaker. I wanted more, I felt like I needed more that this couldn't be the only thing I was meant for.

When my youngest became old enough to leave with a babysitter I picked up a part time job working in the medical field. I loved it, thank s to my aunt I was now a working woman. At 27 years old I was now mom, wife, homemaker and a working woman. I told myself this is it, this is what I was meant to be in life, this was who I meant to be. My Career in the medical field was growing and I felt great, I went from Billing to Front desk to becoming a Medical Assistant. My husband and I where bringing in the money my kids had everything they needed and my home was spotless. I felt blessed and as if I was sitting on top of the world.

I soon came to find out that this is not everything I knew I could be or want. My husband and I moved our family to another state to raise our kids in a more calm and country environment. I knew I could never keep my kids way from harm but I did want to show my kids that there is more to life than just. We bought our first home when I turned 35, by this time my kids where all in school and growing up so fast. My heart became heavy just knowing that my kids soon where going to go off on their own and live their life, while I am hoping that I taught them enough of the world and I molded them to be the best version of themselves.

I am currently 38 years old and everything I thought I was meant to be has slowly disappeared, my oldest is 20 years old, my second eldest is 17 years old, my third is 15 years old and my baby is 13 years old. They are independent and have their own little world that sometimes includes me and sometimes it is as if I do not exists. Along the way I some how let go of being a wife and a homemaker and only was a mom and a working woman. I worked hard for my kids to have everything and to provide my family along side my husband everything needed in life.

One day as my husband and I were watching TV, I looked over at him and I said to myself, wow, I have no idea who my husband really is. We never where just US without children, I came into the relationship already with a child. I felt as if though we were strangers, I feel off as being a wife, but honestly I never really was a wife in my mind I was because I was married to him but in reality I wasn't. I sat back and thought some more and asked myself who am I? now that my kids are older and doing their own things, I realized that this whole time I had no idea who I really was.

It is sad to say that at 38 I am trying to get to know my husband of 17 years, trying to reconnect and find out what WE love to do and what WE want to do for the rest of our lives together. With the new adventure of finding out who my husband and I are together, I being a mom and great multitasker, I am taking the time to find out who I really am. It might take me a while but I will find myself one day. I can say from my adventure through life I am one heck of a mom.