WHO AM I... now?

I WITNESSED A MOST SPECTACULAR DOCUMENTARY based upon a book which summarized a study of mothers and their emotions regarding motherhood. REGRETTING MOTHERHOOD by ORNA DONATH searches the internal base of each woman who responded to a questionaire seeking the reason for becoming and ideal of withheld emotion and displayed emotion after becoming a mother of their children. Thought provoking in itself, the televised documentary appears to be rivaled by the book in that the hand held version is better suited to hold the attention of those internalizing their ownrationale for mixed feelings in performing the everyday tasks of motherhood. Some resolve PARENTHOOD to be the better description of their actions. Parenthood which lessens the burden mentally in that the other partner to parenting can be held to equal shares of responsibility.

I was held captive to the program by the varied written responses to their questionnaire. Many women mentioned their insecurity brought during medical challenges and on appropriate actions for a mother to perform as a natural demonstration of love and nurturing of their ailing child. It was assumed that a mother should know within herself what a proper resolve for curing, comforting and nourishing her infant or toddler and growing child. I would have failed the "mother" exam except that I was always ascribed to following a book written on the subject by those who experienced the feat before me. Knowing the right action to take could mean life or death for a child, and notations presented in a book can not always dictate the correct route to follow. My children returned from a weekend paternal visit where my son... the youngest, not yet 2 years of age, was carried into my home and laid on his bed. The mention was that he was "sleeping" which I could readily see. Two hours later he was still sleeping. It was unusual for him to sleep as long during days at home, I assumed the time with dad and stepmom had worn them out. Mentioning the situation to my elder resulted in rushing my son to the hospital. It turned out to be spinal meninghitis causing him to sleep. If he had remained asleep his brain would have swollen to put him at the brink of death or retardation. The events of the weekend were reported by his siter to have been playing in from of dad's apartment and that her brother had drank "milk" sitting on the counter given by their stepmom. At any rate I would not have known that I needed to awaken him had my grandmother not intervened. He was hospitalized for nearly a month before being released, and only after having a spinal tap, and surviving pneumonia soon after escaping the clenches of the virus. In that, was a terrible mother. It seems that most women starting off into the categorization as a new mother doubt themselves, their skill or capacity for making the right move at the right time. As time moves along, they learn to respond appropriately... learn from experience or from research. They adeapt skills from experience of others who walked the role of motherhood before them and have written it in books, film and therapy sessions.

The women given to the survey were most self condemning, many of the opinion that they were not "good mothers" by the public/social definition of the word. But how does one automatically exhibit the book definition of "good mother"?

We step away from the car with our little bundle still inside... and he pulls the gearshift sending the vehicle careeing into a building ahead of it. Bad Mom? We send our progressive teen out on the town with friends for graduation and he takes the care for a drunken ride crashing into several other vehicles... he's not coveed by our insurance. Bad Mom? We spontaneously pop our little angel with the hairbrush when we discover she's packed a butcher knife, and lied about its being there AFTER you have pulled it from her book bag before her morning walk to her third grade class at school. BAD MOM?

What is a "proper response" in and during a growing relationship which is always ongoing along the path of life of any two individuals destined to be individuals in and of themselves despite a cookie cutter definition written in a book? Independent instances play into our lives and the number of social interactions in and on any given day play it's role in the learning habit of the mother and of the child she is PARENTING.

I'm afraid we are PARENTS after all. PArents in a learning phase for as long as we hold the title.