When Roles Are Reversed

Your parents brought you into this world. They cared for you, fed you, and clothed you. They made sure your homework was done, attended all your dance recitals and sporting events. They were there for you through every important milestone. Losing that first tooth, getting your driver's license, graduations, and even your first heartbreak. They were there for you when you got married, and shared the joys of you giving them grandchildren.

And then, one day, it all changes, and you find your roles reversed.

It isn't easy watching as your once independent and happy parent disappears before your eyes, becoming a shell of the person they used to be. And even harder is having to step into the role of caregiver, with them depending on you for all the things they used to do for themselves.

Some people just aren't cut out for caregiving, or for some, for whatever reasons, it is just physically impossible to step into this role. For those in this position, the choice to place a parent somewhere where they can get the care they need is no easy choice, and the heartache and guilt can be overwhelming.

I am one of those people who decided to care for my mom at home. Being a single parent has not made this easy. We were fortunate that my mom qualified through her insurance to have an aide/homemaker with her during the day so I could go to work. But she leaves when I get home, and nights and on weekends it's just me.

I have lost count over the times we have spent in the emergency room over the last eight years. Running back-and-forth to the hospital as the doctors tried to heal whatever put her there. I literally lived in a hospital room in New York after my mom had a stroke, and then traveled back-and-forth to the rehab facility where she spent two months learning how to walk again, all the while trying not to lose my job over all the times I had to take off and trying to care for my kids at the same time.

Every Sunday I would take my mom out, which was no easy task by myself, because each trip included her walker, wheelchair, and portable oxygen. But after everything she has been through, losing both her sisters 6 months apart from each other and then with all her medical issues, I wanted my mom to try and have as normal a life as she possibly could in her last years.

Just before Christmas of last year, I was taking my mom out to do a little shopping, when she suffered a massive heart attack in the backseat of my car. It was a terrifying experience, and I gathered all our family together in the emergency room because we did not think that she would pull through the night. Amazingly, she survived, but because of her delicate condition, she is now home under hospice care.

I won't lie, not having a life for the last eight years has been really rough. I love my mom and would do anything for her, but the loss of my own independence has left me feeling lost and sometimes depressed.

I have a lost so many years of doing things with my kids, because my mother needed me and I was the only one here for her. As most people I know go out and do things on weekends, I'm stuck staying home because my mom can't be left alone.

Whenever someone at work says "Have a good weekend!" I just smile, and more often than not drive home with a heavy heart, knowing what the next two days hold for us. Whenever I hear people laughing, it makes me feel like crying, because I don't remember the last time I laughed, or felt happy.

Being a long time caregiver to a loved one can be extremely stressful, and can even affect you health wise. I have dealt with many medical issues of my own over the last eight years since becoming my mom's caregiver. Shingles, vertigo, fibromyalgia flare-ups, most of which are brought on by stress.

The only advice I can offer anyone who is a caregiver to a loved one, is not to reach out for help, because based on my personal experience, I know not everyone has someone they can reach out to.

No, my advice would be to find support in the form of an online support group, as it really does help to connect with others who are going through the same struggles, both mentally and physically, and it also teaches you that your feelings of resentment and depression are normal.

What reaching out to an online support group has done for me, was to make me realize that some people have it so much worse, and it has taught me to put aside the feelings of loneliness and yes, sometimes resentment, and to instead feel grateful. Grateful that I am not caring for a sick child or that my mother doesn't have Alzheimer's and that she still knows who I am, because those situations must be even more heartbreaking.

So to all the caregivers out there, all I can offer right now is a big hug, and to let you know that you are not alone.