When November Ends

Author's Note: The following is a very personal and long poem - A step in the grieving process of a little girl (or a woman who once was) trying to come to terms with the loss of a father, she lost long before he was lost in death. To all of those who are grieving or have or will, my heart is with you, and I recommend that you write a poem or two, if you can. If you cannot, find a poem that someone else has written that speaks to your soul. ❤

Please enjoy the beautiful adaptation above of the poignant song about grief from the awesome band Green Day (and writer/singer Billie Joe Armstrong's grief over the anniversary of his own father's death) while you read. ❤

❤

Oh, daddy,

Why, oh, why -

Did you have to be that way?

Why couldn’t you just be a dad,

Who loved and cared –

For his two little girls,

Living life so scared –

Of you, daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

You raised your voice,

But that’s not all.

You raised your fists,

And you hit the wall.

You slammed me down,

Down, you slammed me down –

Until my legs gave out beneath,

This little girl so frightened of you,

Did you know, daddy?

My knees don’t work so well.

I try to run, even as I’m grown –

But they buckle beneath me.

Every time I try.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

It isn’t fair at all.

You were in pain, too.

Of this, I’m all too sure.

Your daddy hurt you.

He hurt others, too.

But, daddy, don't you know?

That doesn’t make it okay.

Oh, daddy.

It doesn’t make it okay.

To make us scared of you.

To make our friends afraid, too.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Did you know I still can’t hear –

The sound of a cup breaking near.

I jump so high, I touch the sky.

I scream so loud anytime –

Someone calls my name or touches me.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

You broke my heart so deep.

So many nights I lay awake,

And cried tears so bitter.

So many nights I awoke,

With a scream upon my lips.

As the nightmares came.

The nightmares of you,

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

We were so afraid of you,

And so angry too.

I’m still angry, daddy.

I can’t let it all go.

Though you died not long ago.

I try and try –

I promise it's true.

But still I can't let it go.

I'm so angry at you.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

I thought I was glad to see you go.

I even used to think

That it would bring peace.

But wouldn't you know, daddy?

It didn't at all.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

All the days and nights,

That I cried because of you.

Now, I wish so awfully.

I had you here next to me.

Not the dad that you were –

I never wanted that then,

And I don’t want it now.

Daddy.

***

But, oh, daddy.

I wanted you to be –

The dad you could’ve been.

The dad you might’ve been.

If I had been enough.

If you had loved me enough.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Don’t get me wrong.

I know it was you.

It wasn’t me at all.

I do know it's true.

You hold the blame.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

But I'm still your little girl.

Why wasn’t that enough?

Why couldn't I ever be enough?

For you to love?

For you to treasure?

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Here we are years later.

I can’t believe it’s true,

It feels wrong sometimes.

But it's true, I swear to you.

I miss you.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

I can even recall –

Some of the good times, now.

We had one or two.

Didn’t we, daddy?

Just one or two –

Good memories of me and you?

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

In just about a month,

It will be three years.

You fell asleep and didn’t wake up.

It’s not my fault, and I know that.

Still, the script replays over in my mind –

Earlier on that same night,

At yet another funeral,

Mama says you yelled at her,

Because I never call you.

Why, you asked, does your youngest –

Never ever call you?

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Is it true?

Mama said you should ask me,

But later that night, you went to sleep.

And you never woke up.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Was I the last thing on your mind?

Was it a nightmare of me –

Was it regrets over you and I –

That stopped your heart and kept it still?

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

These regrets and revelations,

These unrelenting, heartbreaking questions,

Are they destined

Never to be answered?

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Are these remorseful ruminations –

With me from now on?

All I know for sure.

Daddy.

***

Oh, daddy.

Never would I ever have thought –

I’d miss you.

But I do.

Daddy.

***

There are times, now and then,

That I do miss you.

Daddy.

❤

** Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed my heart's thoughts. If you did enjoy this poem, click here for more poems, fiction, and more! And please like (the ❤ button), share, and subscribe. Tips are Greatly Appreciated. **

❤ Lena