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When I first saw you, you were radiant

And somehow suddenly it's dimmed, and the light's gone, and the love's gone

By 邱前程Published 2 years ago 4 min read
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Think back to the first time I saw you, you were radiant with light, somehow suddenly dimmed, the light disappeared, the love gradually dissipated. After ten years of marriage, I found that from love to love, there is a cognitive solidification: only one person in the repair of the relationship, not worth continuing.

I believe that you, who are reading this article, share this view to some extent -- a relationship is a matter of two people, and if only one person is working on it, there is no need to continue.

But I don't agree.

Because, from the underlying logic, this causal direction of thinking is problematic. -- You want to repair the relationship. That's your goal. The partner gets caught up in the emotions, and that's his problem.

You give up on your goals because of his problems, you let him influence you, you lose control, you lose sight of your original intention to repair the relationship.

It's like you're giving up your own initiative, and your behavior is dependent on the other person's response. If the other person responds, you're motivated, and if the other person doesn't respond, you're discouraged.

In fact, we should be motivated to do any repair act by our own goals. Your goal is a happy marriage and repairing a broken relationship, so your motivation is to recognize the problem, master the repair technique, and eventually get closer to your goal.

Clear goal, strong action, long-cherished desire to achieve, this is a positive repair logic; But the goal is uncertain, all depends on the other person's emotional interference, the final result is, the goal completion failure, not only can not repair the relationship, but also fall into serious internal friction.

A big reason for being swayed by each other's emotions is that during the breakup of the relationship, both partners accumulated a lot of negative perceptions that the other person was a bad person.

In the beginning, when you fall in love and get married out of admiration, when you both feel that you are compatible and the true love of your life, you have high expectations for each other. When the relationship comes to the adjustment period, you begin to look at each other objectively and find the shortcomings in each other. You will see the bad side of each other and begin to send a signal to each other: I am not satisfied with you.

This signal can be transmitted in many ways, such as blaming, complaining, fighting, cold war, and winning or losing in a relationship. From loving each other to attacking each other, trying to make the other realize his shortcomings. Your partner feels the same way and thinks it's all your fault.

An attackable approach doesn't change a person. It only provokes resistance, anger, and anger that makes you feel bad about the other person.

At this time, there will be a kind of thinking cognition: you both think the marriage is not good, it is each other's fault, and both want each other to change. When the relationship is on the verge of collapse, you feel more like the other person is to blame. One of you doesn't want the relationship to end. Maybe it's you, and you're trying to figure things out, but he's still angry and doesn't want to change.

But the truth is, even though you want to change, the real you isn't changing. Because you still feel that it's your partner's fault, that he's causing the problems in your relationship, that he's the problem, and that it won't matter how hard you try until he changes. Behind this perception, you still feel that the problem lies with your partner and use this as an excuse to continue to blame your partner for the break-up of the relationship.

At this time, the marriage is in jeopardy, but the negative perception has been solidified, they feel that only their own repair, the other party does not change, it is useless.

But in fact, there is a system of interaction between couples, where you influence me, and I influence you. If no one to affect who, two people will be stuck there, feelings will only fall.

Between a thought, feelings will break; Between second thoughts, the relationship will be better. The fundamental question is how you perceive "repair" and whether you can do it with clarity, action, and method.

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