What to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss

Supporting someone through pregnancy loss isn’t about finding the perfect words. It’s about showing up, listening, and reminding them they don’t have to navigate grief alone.

Pregnancy loss is an experience that affects many families, yet it remains difficult to talk about. Friends and loved ones may worry about saying the wrong thing, struggle to find the right words, or stay silent because they don’t know how to help.

But silence can sometimes leave someone experiencing loss feeling even more alone.

On All Things Conceivable, Kristy Miller, MSW, LSW, PMH-C, ConceiveAbilities’ Mental Health Team Manager, speaks with longtime parenting and health journalist  Jenn Sinrich about supporting someone through pregnancy loss.

As the founder of Miscarriage Movement and The Mother Chapter, Jenn has created spaces where people can share their experiences, find community, and feel understood. Her message is simple, but powerful: You don’t have to fix someone’s pain to make a meaningful difference.

Listen to the full Breaking the Silence: Miscarriage, Grief, and Finding Community podcast:

Why Is Pregnancy Loss So Difficult to Talk About? 

After experiencing two miscarriages, Jenn found herself feeling isolated despite having a supportive husband and family. Her experiences helped her recognize how difficult it can be to find the resources and understanding people need while navigating pregnancy loss. 

“I felt incredibly isolated and alone despite having a wonderful husband and family supporting me the best that they could,” Jenn shares.

Part of that isolation, she explains, comes from the discomfort people feel when faced with a situation they cannot fix.

“As painful as it is when someone doesn’t seem to understand how it feels, it really does come from a place of just being uncomfortable or not knowing how to fix something that can be fixed.”

Jenn acknowledges that loved ones often want to offer something that will make the pain better. But pregnancy loss is not something that can be resolved with the right words or a reassuring comment.

“Sometimes, especially when it comes down to loss, there’s just nothing that can be said or done to make the situation any different or better.”

Although silence may come from a place of uncertainty or good intentions, it can leave someone feeling as though their loss doesn’t matter, or that they are expected to move on before they’re ready.

“There’s also this expectation that you should keep an early pregnancy private in case something goes wrong, which I don’t see how that serves anybody but the society and the people around that person,” Jenn says.

She emphasizes that privacy should always be a personal choice, rather than an obligation to protect others from difficult news.

“So we need to make talking about loss something that’s more possible and okay and open without making it like a disclosure or another expectation. People deserve support whether or not they share it publicly.”

What Not to Say to Someone Experiencing Pregnancy Loss

When someone we care about is grieving, it’s natural to want to offer words of comfort. But even well-intentioned comments can unintentionally minimize their experience.

Jenn points to a common example: phrases that begin with “at least.”

“There’s all of these sayings people love to offer up like, ‘Oh, well, at least you know you can get pregnant or at least it was early or whatever it is.’ First of all, if it starts with at least, just hold back and don’t say anything at all.”

Comments such as “At least you know you can get pregnant” may be intended to provide perspective, but they can leave someone feeling that their grief is being dismissed or that they need to justify why the loss hurts.

Every person’s experience is different. The timing of a loss, the circumstances surrounding it, and the meaning someone attaches to their pregnancy can all influence how they grieve.

“You also shouldn’t have to explain why you’re grieving or convince somebody that your loss was big enough or worthy enough to deserve support.”

Rather than trying to find a silver lining, we can give people space to experience their emotions without comparison, judgment, or unsolicited advice. Supporting someone through loss begins with believing them when they tell us what their experience means to them.

What Should You Say Instead?

One of Jenn’s most important recommendations is to keep your words simple and your support open-ended.

“The best way to support is to send a message or say out loud, ‘I’m thinking of you. I am here for you. How are you handling everything?’”

She explains why leaving the conversation open matters:

“It just gives somebody an opening without having a period at the end. Leaving it with a question mark leaves it in the person’s hands that’s going through the process.”

Rather than assuming what someone needs, an open-ended question gives them the freedom to decide how much they want to share. They may want to talk about their feelings, ask for help, or simply know someone is thinking of them.

Other thoughtful ways to offer support include:

• “I’m here for you, and you don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready to share.”

• “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I care about you.”

• “Would it help if I listened, or is there something practical I can do for you?”

• “I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to respond.”

These are suggested examples of supportive language, rather than direct quotes from Jenn. The important thing is to communicate care without placing expectations on the person who is grieving.

Jenn also reminds us that people experience and express grief differently. Some may want to share their whole story, while others may prefer to keep it private.

“I’m also careful not to assume that everybody needs the same thing, might want to tell their whole story in detail. They might want to write an essay about it and somebody else might want nobody to ever know.”

Her takeaway is simple: “The bottom line is that both individuals with different preferences on how they want to share or if they want to share should feel supported in the decision to or to not.”

The goal isn’t to say everything perfectly. It’s to make sure the person knows they haven’t been forgotten.

Respecting Someone’s Choice to Share, or Not Share

Pregnancy loss can come with expectations about when a pregnancy should be announced and how much of the experience should remain private. Jenn experienced this firsthand during her first pregnancy.

“With my first pregnancy loss, I was very excited. I found out I was pregnant and surprised my husband with a little card and we were so excited and we did what we felt like we were supposed to do, which was to not share our news with our family right away.”

After their second ultrasound brought the devastating news that there was no longer a heartbeat, Jenn and her husband had to tell their family and friends about both the pregnancy and the loss.

“And then telling our family and our friends at that point, it was so painful,” she recalls.

She remembers trying to tell a friend what had happened:

“I remember telling a friend, ‘So I need to talk to you.’ I was pregnant. And then she’s like, ‘Congratulations.’ And I said, ‘No, no, no, no. I had a pregnancy loss.’”

It was a difficult way to communicate an experience that was already painful. The experience also led Jenn to question why she had felt she needed to wait before sharing her pregnancy news.

“Which anyone who’s experienced a later loss knows that there’s never a guaranteed time where you can share news to ensure that nothing can go wrong.”

While privacy can absolutely be a personal choice, Jenn believes it shouldn’t feel like an obligation imposed to protect others from difficult news.

She also emphasizes that not everyone wants to share their experience publicly, and that’s equally valid.

“First of all, you don’t owe anyone your story in order for your loss to matter. If you keep it to yourself, it’s just as important as if you decide to share it, as if you decide to tell your friends to post about it on social media, but you don’t have to post about it or to find some bigger purpose in it.”

Some people find comfort in telling their stories, connecting with others, or writing about their experiences. Others prefer to grieve privately or confide in only a few trusted people. 

Neither approach is more valid than the other.

How to Continue Showing Up After a Loss

Support doesn’t end after the initial conversation. In many cases, small gestures over time can be especially meaningful.

Jenn encourages people to check in with friends and family members they know have experienced pregnancy loss, particularly during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in October.

“I think having a month that focuses on pregnancy and infant loss, it creates an opening for something that people really often don’t know how to bring up. Not only do they not know how to bring it up, but they don’t know the right wording to speak about something so unique and individual and personalized. And that wording matters so much for somebody going through pregnancy loss.”

For Jenn, public recognition of pregnancy and infant loss can be especially meaningful when people in someone’s life haven’t acknowledged their experience.

She highlights October 15, when people participate in the Wave of Light by lighting candles in remembrance of pregnancy and infant loss.

“It’s also an opportunity to help people really better understand miscarriage and stillbirth and infant loss and that they’re distinct experiences and that even people with similar kinds of losses, they may feel very differently and they may grieve the process very differently.”

Remembering important dates, acknowledging anniversaries, or sending a thoughtful message can help someone feel that their experience is still recognized.

Jenn shares a simple example of what someone might say:

“I know this month might bring up a lot for you. I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to respond.”

She also encourages people to remember details that someone has chosen to share, whether it’s a name, a meaningful date, or another personal detail about their loss.

“The goal I think is to just to help somebody feel like they’re being thought of and their experience is being honored and remembered without putting them on the spot.”

At the same time, it’s important to respect their privacy. Always ask permission before sharing someone else’s story or experience, even when your intention is to raise awareness.

Ultimately, meaningful support comes from following the other person’s lead rather than assuming what they need.

Compassion Matters Throughout the Family-Building Journey

Pregnancy loss can be part of a longer and more complicated journey toward parenthood. For some, that journey may include fertility treatment, egg donation, surrogacy, or difficult decisions about what comes next.

“I think it starts with asking whether someone wants to talk about their situation and about their options before offering up opinions. Those unsolicited comments seem to come at all stages of life. And for some reason, the path to parenthood is one where there seems to be no boundaries.”

“We also need to be incredibly careful with the word just, just do IVF, just use a surrogate because it makes something so personal and so incredibly complicated sound so simple and that the other person knows what they’re talking about, which 99.99% of the time they really don’t.”

Whether someone is exploring fertility treatment, considering egg donation or surrogacy, taking a break, or deciding not to pursue a particular option, their choices deserve respect.

Jenn puts it simply: “I think you owe nobody an explanation. You don’t have to explain why you are doing something, why you’re not doing something. You don’t have to explain your timeline.”

At ConceiveAbilities, we understand that the path to parenthood is deeply personal and doesn’t look the same for everyone. Emotional support and compassionate communication matter at every stage, especially when someone is navigating uncertainty, grief, or a change in their family-building plans.

We can all contribute to a more supportive environment by asking before offering advice, respecting personal boundaries, and recognizing that someone sharing their pain isn’t necessarily asking us to solve it for them.

Sometimes, simply being present is enough.

No One Should Have to Navigate Loss Alone

Pregnancy loss can be deeply painful, and there is no single way to grieve or move forward. Some people may want to share their experiences and find connection through community. Others may need time, privacy, or support from a trusted professional.

What matters is that everyone has the opportunity to receive compassion without feeling pressured to explain their grief or make their experience understandable to others.

Jenn’s work through Miscarriage Movement and The Mother Chapter reflects the power of shared experiences in helping people feel less isolated. She hopes that people can find stories that help them put words to feelings they may have struggled to express.

As she explains, these stories can help someone recognize that their experience isn’t unique to them in the sense of being alone in it. They can offer a connection to others who understand.

Jenn’s hope is that someone reading another person’s story might think, “Wow, that’s what I’ve been trying to say.”

As we continue to create more open conversations about pregnancy loss and family building, we can begin with something simple: listening without judgment, offering support without expectations, and remembering that we don’t need perfect words to show someone we care.

Sometimes, the most meaningful thing we can say is simply, “I’m here for you.”