What to Do When Your Adult Child Disappoints You

Watching your kids grow up is one of the greatest joys in life, we can all agree. But what happens when children reach adulthood and everything they do is not what you expected, shattering your dreams about their future.

Can you right the ship…More importantly, should you?

In this article, parenting expert Jacqueline McDowell stresses that it can be very painful when your adult child doesn’t live up to his/her potential. In some ways, you feel like a failure.

She wisely suggests you ask yourself why you are disappointed. Is it because your child’s career choices don’t align with your goals for their life?

“Culturally, we tend to value social status over personal fulfillment and happiness. So, if your child opts to go into a career that makes them happy, but does not necessarily provide a good living, we can feel like they are under-achieving. If you’re feeling this way, it might be helpful to take a step back and ask yourself which is better — having a child who is outwardly successful, or one who is inwardly happy? More importantly, whose life is it, anyway?”

I love that advice. Remember, we grew up in a different era. As I recall, good jobs seemed easier to obtain. Maybe I am looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. But I remember almost everyone from my high school and college landing well-paying jobs with potential to move up the ladder.

These days, young adults are really struggling to find employment at all. So, should you just give them a break?

Yes! If your child is employed and making a living, that is huge. This Reddit thread breaks my heart. The commenters here have every reason to be disappointed in their kids, from blowing a huge inheritance to refusing to work at all.

Do Not Feel Guilty about Your Adult Child’s Mistakes

In this article, Psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein recommends taking a step back, especially when your child tries to guilt you for their behavior:

“When I coach parents, I encourage them to view themselves as their child’s emotional coach. Seeing yourself as your adult child's emotional coach helps you not take their hurtful comments so personally. This lets you replace reflexive defensiveness with intentional understanding, creating a space for calm, constructive dialogue.”

I agree wholeheartedly. As parents, we always want to “fix” everything for our kids, and that’s not possible, or even beneficial to them. They need to make their own mistakes and learn the consequences.

Dr. Bernstein said something interesting in the article. He maintains that sometimes when your kids‘ lives don’t turn out the way they wanted, it is easier to blame you, than take ownership.

Also, your parents are always there…At least mine were for me. I remember if I needed to vent, they were the first people I called. And I know it wasn’t easy for them to hear my frustrations time and time again. I regret that now, but at the time, I continued to use them as a sounding board throughout my early 20’s.

My son has a better job now than I ever did. I am thankful and proud. Yes, he vents to us sometimes about stressful work situations, but we are OK with it because we have been there.

Remember, just because your kid is going through a tough time now, doesn’t mean it’s forever. Give them time and space, and some encouragement. You actually might be pleasantly surprised at how they can turn themselves around.

As Dr. Bernstein so wisely suggested: Look at yourself as their emotional coach.

If they think you believe in them, they will begin to believe in themselves.