What My Mother Would Have Wanted?!

If you've ever seen the movie Raising Helen then you know there's a scene where when they go to buy a turtle and John Corbett's character is giving Kate Hudson's character a lecture on what her sister expected when she left her the kids. Kate's chatacter tells him bluntly not to talk about her sister, a sister he didn't even know. I understand this so much now it hurts. Every stranger I meet has decided they know what my mom would have wanted more than I do. I spent my entire life with her, we talked about everything. They think in my grief I no longer have any rational thought, but my grief has actually made me think more rationally than before. I've always seen the world differently, more clearely in a sense. I see more of the possibilities of what could happen, I see more of reality. I never saw the world through rose-colored glasses, never pretended it was better than it was. Perhaps that's why I've always hated it so much. Disliked people so much. I've seen so much of the bad. My mother and I asked each often where are these good people who are supposedly out there? We never found an answer, no matter how hard we tried. Never found the good people. We just had each other.

But people like to give advice I've learned, even when they should keep their mouths shut. They say whatever opinions they have and never consider how much it hurts me, hurts others with their callous remarks.

One of the biggest since I've had to turn to donations to bury her is just cremate her, she's dead she won't know the difference. First off I know the difference, I know how my mother felt about it, whether others think it's wrong isn't the point, my mom did and that's what matters. Honestly I feel the same way, I couldn't live with myself even one day knowing. Secondly I believe in heaven, my mom is waiting there for me and yes she would know.

Then there are the people who want to tell me how to live now. That my mother wouldn't want me to be sad. This I find stupid as all comes, because mourning is a sign of love, if I didn't mourn her it would mean I didn't love her.

Then there's the "your mother would want you to be happy" crowd. Yes she would, but my mother knows I can never be happy without her. Knows I'm not me without her. She knows I cannot survive without her, she couldn't without me as well. We never said things to each other, like if I die be happy and live on, we didn't bother, we knew we couldn't. She couldn't live without me, I can't live without her. We are soul mates, our souls bonded to each other in ways no one can understand, rarely do two people love deeply enough that they are one person, that the other's existence is life or death to them. I pity those people, they don't know what they've missed out on. They all want to read and watch the books and movies where loved ones cannot go on without the other, but do they really understand it? No, sadly they don't.

I knew my mother better than anyone. What my mother wouldn't have wanted was for me to be here alone without her, to be chronically ill with not long left to live without her. To have to make impossible decisions without her, to be alone without her. To be isolated in a world that can't understand me, that doesn't need me. She wouldn't want people treating me this way, or saying these things to me. She would want me to have to learn things all on my own, to have breakdowns from them, to have no one in life. She wouldn't want me to have to sit alone for a week or more at a time with no human interaction, while I slowly go insane. She wouldn't want me to suffer slowly with my health as I deteriorate every day, scared of what's going to happen. She wouldn't want me to be lost and forgotten, not needed by anyone or cared about at all.

Most of all, she wouldn't want me to die alone and scared needing my mother.