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What It's Like to Have Post-Natal Depression

My Story

By Martina Stopani Published 5 years ago 4 min read
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My journey begins mid February 2017 when I took a pregnancy test after having missed a few periods. I was 19 and I had just split up with my partner. I actually took two tests just to be sure and when they both came up positive I panicked and started crying thinking my life was over. My mum who had waited outside our bathroom door for me came in and told me something I will never forget. Something which helped me decide to keep my baby.

She said my life was not over, I could still have a career I would just have put it on the back burner for a few years. I had actually planned to move to London to pursue an acting career and have children later. However that was clearly not the plan mother nature had intended for me. I was foolish enough to have sex without protection on several occasions, having been told I would struggle to get pregnant because of my "polytheistic ovaries." At the first scan I discovered I was nearly three months gone my ex and my sister came with me. Fast forward six and a bit months and my little boy was born, his father and my sister were my birthing partners. My ex and I had reconciled and decided to give it another go.

The dictionary definition for post natal depression is, "Depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood and fatigue." The NHS have said that it can affect one in every ten women and that it can also affect fathers and partners up to a year after the birth. So clearly there are a lot of people out there who have been through the same thing as me. Which I don't know about you, but I find comforting because it makes me feel less alone.

I first realised I needed help when I would wake up feeling like it was genuinely an emotional struggle to get of bed. I always did in the end because I had to go care for my son. In the beginning, I was able to put my feelings aside for the day. Unfortunately, the side effect of that was in the evening I would go quiet and not do very much at all. When my partner would ask me what was wrong, I just said nothing and disappeared to the bathroom to escape and be alone. I began to feel more and more like I was no use to anybody especially my son. I would take my mums advice as a criticism of my parenting. I actually stopped asking her questions because I was scared that she would judge me. I decided enough was enough when I could barely leave the house with my son alone without getting serious anxiety. I had actually had two anxiety attacks in the previous week because there was a visit due on our rented flat and there was so much to do I didn't know where to start. The flat was not up to standard and after a phone call to my partner at his work I burst into tears. I phoned the doctors and mid sob I explained that my depression had gotten really bad. The receptionist kindly got me the earliest available appointment. Friday evening came round quick and after going to the doctor and getting some medication I felt some relief that I had spoken to someone who understood. At first the medication made me feel queasy and tired so I took it at night before I went to bed. It actually got worse before it got better because some nights when my partner was asleep I would have to fight the urge to find a pair of scissors and cut all my hair off. It even got to the point where I considered self harm but I was too scared. After a while (about two weeks) it began to work and I began to actually enjoy being outside again.

I was doing much better however I regressed a little when I went to mothers and toddlers for the first time. I nearly had an anxiety attack again. Not because the parents were horrible but because I wasn't used to interacting with other parents. I kept begging my mum to leave but she wouldn't listen eventually we left and I wasn't sure if I'd go back. The following week after my medication began to work and It felt easier being there I even spoke to some of the parents. I was also feeling a little more confident because I had managed to book a waitress job at Oktoberfest. I completed three days of working there and it was one of the best things I ever did because I made new friends and gained more faith in myself.

I've been on my medication for about two months now and I can honestly say that I feel positive about the future and may even be able to come off my medication by the beginning of next year.

Things to Remember

  • You are a parent which makes you a force of nature
  • You aren't alone in this
  • There is help you can get
  • Push yourself a little and you will improve
  • You will have bad days
  • You will also have lots of good days

Bibliography

  • NHS UK website

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About the Creator

Martina Stopani

I'm 22 and i have a little boy I've loved writing since i was little.

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