What Is Secure Attachment in a Relationship? Signs, Scripts, and Examples

Having secure attachment in a relationship allows you to feel connected to your partner while still maintaining your sense of self. It allows you to lean on your partner and lean into your partner. Reach out for help and support and know that your relationship can withstand some bad days.

Secure attachment doesn't mean that you will never experience jealousy or insecurity. It means you are able to identify those emotions and express them in a healthy manner.

Meaning of Secure Attachment

When studying attachment in adults, researchers typically measure anxiety and avoidance. Attachment anxiety is worrying about being rejected by your partner. Avoidance is when someone becomes uncomfortable getting too close to another person, relying on others, or opening up about emotions. When you have secure attachment, you tend to exhibit lower amounts of both. This isn't a clinical definition of attachment.

Someone who has a secure attachment to their partner is able to rely on them. They know they can reach out when times are difficult, and they know they can take time away from each other and it doesn't mean their relationship is failing.

Secure attachment is shown by the way you resolve conflict with your partner, and how you act during stressful times or when both parties have different needs. Are you able to communicate with your partner about a conflict? Take accountability for your actions? Return to the discussion after taking a break?

If you want to learn more about anxious feelings in relationships, read our guide to anxious attachment.

Signs of Secure Attachment

As stated above, there are many things you can look for to determine if your partner has a securely attached personality. One incident does not define someone's attachment style. Look at these traits in your overall relationship.

• You can reach out to your partner. You are able to express to your partner what you need from them. "Today was rough; can you listen to me vent?"

• Expressing your insecurities. You can let your partner know you're feeling insecure without resorting to cold-shouldering or giving ultimatums.

• Enjoy time together and apart. You can love spending time with your partner and know that you can go a weekend without seeing them and your relationship won't fail.

• Take a break from the situation. Tell your partner that you need some time to cool off and that you will get back to them at [time].

• Apologize after an argument. Know that what you said or did may have hurt your partner and want to hear their perspective.

Examples of Secure Attachment

Below are examples that will display what a healthy conversation can look like between two partners.

Partner 1 has planned a night in with Partner 2.

After a long week, they look forward to spending the evening with each other. Partner 2 sends a text informing them that they are running late from work and would like to reschedule.

Partner 1 is upset that their date night was changed on such short notice. They begin to feel like their partner didn't value their time. Partner 2 feels upset about having to cancel but knows that they don't want to lie and make up a date.

Partner 1: "I'm sad that our night was changed so last minute. I know work got you busy, but can we find another night?"

Partner 2: "Of course, I understand why you're upset. Thursday works for me if that's alright."

By telling your partner that you are upset, you can also state what you would like them to do. Your partner can understand how you feel and provide a solution to your problem.

While talking to your partner about plans for the weekend, your partner decides they want to take a break from the conversation.

You feel anxious about this because past relationships have taken days to talk about an argument.

Your partner feels like they are about to say something they may regret and need some time to cool off. However, they don't want their partner to believe that they are brushing off the argument.

"I want to continue this conversation, but I'm not able to hear what you have to say right now. Can we take 30 minutes and talk at 7:30?"

"I understand and will give you that time. When we stop talking it makes me anxious, so knowing that you'll be back helps."

After 30 minutes, your partner can return to the conversation. You have the ability to calm down and listen to what your partner has to say. Taking a break from an argument is not a fix, but knowing that your partner will return can help both of you cool down.

Your partner has had a long day and comes home to see dirty dishes in the sink.

You've noticed that you have been doing most of the cleaning around the house and feel as if your partner isn't helping. Your partner feels like they have done their fair share with running errands.

"I've been cleaning most of the dishes around the house this week. I'm tired; can we come up with a plan?"

"Sorry, I didn't realize that. I've been doing a lot of errands this week. Let's sit down and see what we can do to divide the chores."

Instead of saying your partner is lazy, you are addressing the issue. Your partner can hear you out and come up with a plan that works for both of you.

If your partner were to respond with, "You're being dramatic," that is not a secure form of communication. You aren't expected to cave to your partner's demands, but allow them to express what they need from you.

For more practical ways to talk through conflict, read our guide to improving communication in a relationship.

What Secure Attachment Doesn't Mean

Having a secure attachment to your partner doesn't mean you're always happy, that you know what to say in every situation, or that you never need comfort from your partner.

Just because your partner has an avoidant personality doesn't mean you should accept their behavior. Saying your partner is "avoidant" can shut down communication. "You left the room when we were arguing and didn't tell me when you wanted to resume talking."

Remember that attachment can take time to develop. Don't put your partner in a box after one instance of needing space.

Can your attachment style change?

Studies have found that attachment styles can remain constant throughout an individual's life. There have also been findings of attachment changing throughout a person's life. This may occur around significant events in their life. Everyone changes at different rates.

There are habits you can learn to become more securely attached. Learn to express your feelings. Ask your partner directly what you need from them. Follow through with what you tell your partner you're going to do. If you need to step away from an argument, let your partner know when you'll return. Discuss with your partner what they can do to improve their behavior.

These tips won't change your partner, but if you're constantly finding yourself in this situation, maybe seek therapy.

If you're considering outside support, read what relationship therapy can help with.