What is it like being a daughter

Not everybody has a parent. By destiny, bad accidents or by their own choice. Some parents have never been interested and they just abandoned their kids. Other families just don't get on. They live separate lives with no contact, they may only meet on funerals.

Some kids walked away with their eyes wide open to go to see the world. Busy with experiencing all the ‘new’ and exciting things they forgot to come back. Back to their homes to sit with the folks sometimes. They have grown apart and they may never find their mum and dad alive in time again. And some kids lost their mother or dad at a very young age. They had been left with only to keep carry on without their parents. To never get to know them with their ups and downs.

I am the one who can say I have been growing up in a ‘full family’. My parents never got divorced. They had retired together and are still supporting each other until these very days.

I have a few memories from my childhood that stack with me. I remember my dad as a strong, beardy man. Impossible to hug because of his wide shoulders (and my small arms). But also for his often bad mood and stress he was bringing back home. I have had lots of love for him in my little heart but I quite often had to just keep it in. He wasn’t able to receive it. So I think I eventually locked my love away. Far away. And I started to judge him and embroider against him (as a teenager of course).

And then, I started to look for him again. I wanted to fix the relationship. Put it right. And I realised I need to start with myself first. Make myself emotionally stronger than I was by ‘melting’ myself first. You know when they sometimes say you need to lose yourself first to n find yourself. I have done it. I finally straightened my back, stood up tall and came to me and hugged me. For the first time since I was a baby. My dad held me tight and gave me such a squeezy strong kiss on my cheek that it still hurt a few minutes after I managed to release myself. It was great. Shocking and tingling at the same time.

As he is getting older now, he melts a bit. He is softer in his actions. Still not easy to approach but I am grateful for seeing the lovely side of him. I knew it. I knew it must be there, somewhere deep down inside him. And I love him very much.

I believe he is the reason why I am looking for positives in every shitty situation. Hen woke up the survival inside me at a very young age. I had all the energy. I wanted to dance in front of him, hold his big and warm hand and hug around his neck. Just thinking about this now, my love for him is still popping inside me and makes me feel warm.

He does it now every time. He gives me a big hug and kiss when I come back home from England. He does it even to say goodbye when I am leaving home again. We see each other only twice a year. I often think if my choice to live far away from him will cost me lots of regrets one day. The day when there will be no more hugs and kisses on my cheek from him. I can feel now that he will always be the one stuck in my heart forever and keep me warm.