What do you do when your dad dies?

This morning I woke up to a message from my brother asking me to call him and not to contact mum first. I knew something was wrong but I figured maybe they had one of their fights as sometimes they do or maybe something happened to grandma. What I could never expect was my brother saying that my dad wasn’t with us anymore.

He was my dad but he was also my mum’s husband. They’ve been together since the age of 15. They worked together and shared everything. My mum’s whole life was based on being with that man since she was a teenager. I don’t know what she’s going to do without him.

One week away from his 50th birthday he went to one of many cycling races that he has done every weekend throughout my whole life. We are still not sure what happened. He lost control over his bike, he fell, he hit his head, after 20 seconds the medics were right there with him but he was already dead.

I don’t know how to say it in a politically correct way so I’ll just say it. My dad was the least dead person I’ve ever known. At the age of 49 he was this amazing full of life guy who still raced every weekend, was more fit than any of us and had plans and dreams for the future. For years he’s been expanding their bicycle store that my mum and him owned. He got them from a little basement space to the point when they monopolized cycling market in our hometown. He created a whole community of cyclists, everyone knew him. When I was just a little kid he opened a cycling club for local children and he devoted his life to help them succeed. In cycling and generally in everything. He was a great mentor to countless number of young boys and girls. He loved cycling more than anything but he still always considered selling his ridiculously expensive bikes as soon as I said I needed money for college or wanted to buy a house. He wanted to retire on the Grand Canary Islands.

Writing all of this... I still don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how this person who has shaped my life, who was barely ever mad at me and who always said to chill and stay positive... how is it possible that his body isn’t him anymore.

I know he’s dead and I know he won’t come back but my mind just can’t process this information. He was the funniest and the most inappropriate dad ever. He was the best at being alive so how could he be gone?

All those memories flood my head all day long and I just can’t imagine how did he suddenly become dead. I just don’t know.

I texted him yesterday saying I run a half marathon and my time was terrible because of the injury but I still finished. He replied:

“Congratulations. Time is only time. What matters is having fun.”

Then I send him a photo of my food and he commented on it. And that was it. That was my last conversation with my dad.

I tried to think what a person does when they dad dies. I just can’t find the right way to do all of this.

I remembered all the movies and shows where people had to deal with it. I went for a run, got dressed, went to work and smiled and laughed to people. I just didn’t know what to do. Because what do you do when your dad dies?

I heard people in movies saying “I still can’t believe he’s gone” but I never got it until today. I literally can’t believe it. My mind cannot wrap around it. I’m not denying, I just don’t know how could that ever happen. I’m trying to imagine the moment he fell and I just don’t know how he could be alive one second and then gone just like that. It’s my dad we’re taking about. How could he be gone, just like that?

I didn’t tell my friends, I just told my boss to explain why I might not feel like zoom calls this week. Then I felt weird about it because she felt sorry for me and I didn’t want that. I was just explaining her something. I didn’t want sympathy, I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. Telling my friends would make them treat me different and dealing with my own emotions is enough. I don’t need other people trying to figure out what to say and how to feel about it. I don’t know how to feel about it and that’s confusing enough.

Because of COVID I won’t make it to the funeral. My family lives in Poland, I live in the US so that’s not gonna happen. To be honest I hate Polish funerals so that might be for the best. I don’t think my dad was a funeral person either. He always wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread in the mountains but Polish law forbids from the families having access to the person’s ashes. They can only stay at the cemetery so we will have to find another way to celebrate him.

The weird thing is to read about my dad in newspapers and from other people’s posts. Since it was an accident during a race everyone knew about it before I even woke up in my time zone. He was kind of a local celebrity. He organized many races in our hometown, helped with charity events and probably if he lived till 50 might end up running for a mayor or something. He was loved and today he is celebrated by many people.

As I’m writing this it’s been 5 hours since I know my dad is gone. I’m trying to figure out what to do but so far my mind refuses to accept the reality. I don’t want anyone’s condolences, I don’t want people to tell me they are there for me. I don’t know what I want. I just want my dad not to be gone.

Most of all I want my mum to have a life long partner to retire with...