Watching a Parent Struggle

I used to think the worst thing that could happen in life would be the death of a loved one. Having someone you loved so dearly ripped from your life unexpectedly. So quick you don’t even get a chance to say goodbye or one more I love you.

I've been through it before, both my grandpa and grandma passed away just years apart. It was the first death I ever experienced in my family and it hit hard, it made life more real, seem bigger to my 12 year old self. So trust me, that was hard. So I thought that was it, that's the worse life could throw at you.

I was very wrong.

In the wake of my grandparents passing away, after all the food and thoughtful cards from loved ones keeping us in their thoughts and prayers, came the bills. Not only the funeral ones, but the bills my grandparents let build up and up and up until it was a mountain of debt.

One that would drown my father.

I've had to watch him slowly sink further and further in debt trying to pay off their own bills all while supporting a whole family by himself.

It started off slow, working off all the bills and working through the agreement my grandma had when she was alive and kept to herself and he survived and was doing fine. Struggling? Yes, but he had my grandfather, who still received social security and they were surviving.

Then the unthinkable happened and death struck our family again and my grandfather passes away. When he passes away, so did the steady income. So did the birthday gifts. So did the big holiday dinners. So did holidays.

My father had to take on a lifetime worth of debt, while paying off two funeral bills and struggling to keep an entire family and house together all while working a full time job.

It's not easy, not only on him but the people that have to watch him struggle and being unable to do anything about it. Like his children. Like me. I would love to pay everything off and support him, take care of him for once, but as a 18 year old working part time and about to start college, there's nothing I can do.

Nothing but pray and try not to worry much about a man who has everything on his shoulders.

So what this has taught me, what life has taught me, there are things much worse then death. There are those who are left to suffer and struggle all there lives until death themselves. There are those of us who have to watch someone slowly kill themselves just to remain alive. How ironic is that?

I stopped getting angry. I stopped being resentful towards this whole situation, because I used to. I use to curse my grandfather and grandma, curse them for not planning this better, for leaving him in such a terrible situation. Leaving him in a situation that I can't him with.

But no good comes from cursing the dead, especially when it doesn't fix anything nor makes things better.

The only good that it coming out of this situation is the drive and motivation I'm left with. One day, one way or another, I'm going to take care of the man who's taken care of me his whole life. I'm going to give him a chance to relax and do what he wants without stressing about paying bills or just having food on the table. None of this is going to be in vain.

Life is hard, but it comes with lessons. This lesson is loud and clear.