Wait.. I'm a Trans Man, but I'm Pregnant???

So to start off, a little bit of basic background. I've been out as a trans male for almost 5 years now, and have been taking steps since then towards transitioning. Most of my friends who knew me beforehand and still were around after I came out have commented on the fact I seem a lot more confident and happy since I have begun my transition. To some it made a lot of sense. To others, I had to explain a little about it because my story wasn't what most people would consider typical. I figured out in my 20's that I was transgender because the house I was raised in was pretty much a box where such terms like gay, and bi and lesbian and transgender didn't exist. I didn't even know what they were. So, it was the first time I had ever heard the term, or met someone else who was. But after that discovery, over the next couple of years, I began to finally grow into myself, learning more and more about who I actually was. It wasn't always an easy thing. There were moments when I would break down in a panic/anxiety attack on the sidewalk when walking to the store because dysphoria would hit me out of nowhere at the thought of the store clerk referring to me as female, or the random depression spikes I commonly dealt with. But over time, I slowly got more and more stable, especially after getting on testosterone. That helped a lot, in many ways. It was validating because a lot of the issues I had beforehand, even seemingly unrelated ones, seemed to become less of an issue. Such as the fact of me being super clumsy before, and after being on testosterone, that seemed to go away.

Fast forwarding though to more recent times and the topic at hand, after being on testosterone for about 2 years, I'm now in a stable and very healthy relationship with an amazing (cisgender) man, who is more incredible than I could ever ask for. Like all relationships we have ups and downs but it's the first time in my life I have truly felt like I am actually home whenever I am with him. However one of the downsides was that our relationship was kind of long distance. We lived in different states on opposite sides of the country. But all the same, we made it work and it only seemed to make the time we spent together in person more precious. Recently though, about a month or so ago, I got a major bombshell of news. Despite being on testosterone, and taking a testosterone safe form of birth control, I was/am in fact, pregnant. It was a complete shock to me. And not only am I pregnant, but I am also already (now) 5 months along, and hadn't even realized it. The morning sickness was very brief and masked by food poisoning and the fact that it wasn't unusual even before this for me to get nauseous now and then for different reasons. I never had the strongest stomach. And as far as other common symptoms, I did have some of them but they were spread out and random, and most were things I also dealt with normally just because my body is the way it is, and having never really looked up symptoms of pregnancy, I had no idea that the symptoms were in any way connected either. Being on testosterone meant that I had no monthly cycle to keep track of, at least not that I had physical signs of, so I had no way of knowing I had "missed" anything. It was only when I started getting later symptoms of pregnancy as I got further along, that made me wonder enough to take a test. And lo and behold, positive.

I was of course, very confused, and also at first, I wanted nothing to do with it. For the first several days, I just wanted it to go away. After all, it was totally unplanned, and while I was definitely becoming more okay with the idea of possibly having my own children in the future with the man I fell in love with, despite the fact of dysphoria being a major negative factor in the matter, I was blindsided by the news, and not emotionally ready for it to suddenly be dropped into my lap, not to mention, financially I was also not in the most stable place yet, nor in living conditions, as I was living at the time in a very small house with two roommates and way too many animals between the three of us. So at first, I didn't tell my boyfriend anything, and for the first two weeks or so, I did as much research as I possibly could. I needed to find out my options, looked up places that offered abortions, and even called a few places to ask about my options. I was panicking, and desperate, and terrified, not to mention my dysphoria was through the roof. I was a total mess.

But as those two weeks went on, each day seeming almost like a week in itself, the changes inside my body were becoming more apparent. Not just with hormones, but with the little being that had been growing inside me even without my knowledge. And as I slipped out of panic mode little by little, I knew I needed to tell my boyfriend about the situation. After all, it was his child too, and he had a right to know. But man, was I scared about it. As I had hoped, and expected, since we had spoken about the possibility of kids in the future, he immediately was very supportive, although he also was panicking too. Because honestly, we really weren't ready for this. So then the discussion began as a couple, about what we would do. We both are pro choice, and so abortion was discussed a lot because of the situation, the lack of planning and simply the fact we were not ready and had been totally blindsided by the news. But I wasn't sure anymore if that was what I wanted to do. And then came the day when I realized, I could feel the kicks. Just a little, as they were simply little taps, but I could feel them. And that was it for me. I was attached. It was such a strange and weird feeling and I was exhausted constantly and I hated it, but those kicks just solidified the connection I had to this child. My child. I couldn't kill them. I just couldn't do it.

But knowing that the option of abortion was off the table also made me feel bad too, because it meant that, even if my boyfriend was both happy and panicked about the situation, it meant that he was stuck with me, and this child. And that was not something I had ever wanted. I wanted him to stay with me because he chose to and not because he had a responsibility to because of a baby. Even so, I still couldn't kill my baby. So the next step for me was going to the doctor, to be able to go and get an ultrasound and find out as much as we could about what to expect. As if all the stress we were already under wasn't enough, in between the time of my appointment with my general doctor, and the ob gyn he referred me to, my roommate/landlord had a meltdown due to going off his meds and having an explosive temper as it was, and I suddenly had to move back in with my parents as he lost his temper and assaulted me and I had no time to find another safe place to go. Time passed as we waited for the appointment day, and things continued to progress. Soon, I could not only feel the kicks, but SEE them too. It was another weird thing to get used to. But it was something I could share with my boyfriend even long distance. As the big day approached, we were a mess of emotions. Anxious, nervous, excited, and scared. What would they tell us? How far along was I exactly? How long did we have to prepare? Was the baby okay after me having no idea about the pregnancy for as long as I did? We'd guessed I was about 16 weeks along at the time at least, based on my symptoms and the dates I had visited him. And soon, the day arrived. Let me tell you, that for me, even as a trans man, the first time seeing my baby and hearing the little heartbeat was absolutely incredible. And the revelation that she was in fact, a little girl, and from all appearances, completely healthy! But then the next bombshell was dropped. I was at LEAST 23-24 weeks along. 5 months. A full month at least more than I had estimated. Which meant we had even less time to prepare, and that even if emotionally it had still been an option, abortion was completely off the table. And that was another big adjustment that we suddenly had to get used to. We had/have little to no time to prepare, and I knew I needed to move states before I was unable to fly, because I know I will need my boyfriend's support in order to get through this, and also because it is his child, and there is no way I am going to make him miss the moment she is born. He wants to be there too.

So that's most of my experience with the situation. There are still a lot of things to figure out in a very short time, and a lot of challenges I have yet to face with this, but in all honesty? I am pretty excited to see my baby's face for the first time, even if all of this happened at the worst time and was completely unexpected. Because my little Nova Raine (which is the name we have chosen) might have been a very unexpected and unplanned surprise, but she is very much loved regardless, by both of her parents.