Violent Motivation

All my life there had been this ache inside of me for love I’d never received from my father. How on Earth was it possible that the man who was partially responsible for my existence wanted virtually nothing to do with me? In the beginning as a little girl I would write letters to him with nowhere to send them. I begged for my father to love me on paper he would never see. I got older, I built a wall of protection around my heart. I'd act like none of it bothered me. I’d talk down on him, constantly saying how much I couldn't care less if he descended off the face of the Earth. Deep down though, I cared so much.

Growing up I’d watch my friends with their dads. A knot the size of a golf ball would form in my throat. My chest would feel so heavy. Why couldn’t I have that? I questioned my worth every day and as I got older went looking for love in all the wrong places.

I’d grown up in a town where I was far from the beauty standard. It didn’t help my self-esteem at all to feel deserted by my father with every man I ever came to know trailing behind him. That’s when I started to feel like an ugly duckling but as my looks were far from attention grabbing apparently my body was worthy of it all. Boys from school would message me on social media all while acting as if I never existed when they would see me in person.

I took it. I figured any attention was better than none. In some twisted way, it made me feel special. For once in life, I was getting attention from a male. It felt so nice to me then but looking back I was being used for so long by boys who pretended they loved me for obvious reasons. I can’t say it got much better after high school.

I’d been on dates with men. Some nice, some awful but the pattern was still the same. I was now sleeping with men to feel the comfort of someone wanting me, even if that comfort would dwindle to nothing by morning. Then came the moment that shattered me. Someone from one of the dating sites I’d downloaded sexually assaulted me on the second date. This was the most traumatic experience of my life. It altered me in a way I think it would almost be impossible to return to what little happiness I'd had before. It made me feel disgusting. made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of care from any man. Not even human decency. I felt like I was in a dungeon built in my own mind. For a long time, I wasn’t able to smile. I wasn’t able to laugh. For a long time, I gave up on the world again. Hobbies that used to be exciting didn’t mean anything anymore. All I wanted to do was feel, even so, I remained hopelessly empty. That is until I met the man, I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.

Leading to the events that would ultimately change my entire perspective on life yet again, everything with him was perfect. Life with him seemed brilliant. The sensation of warmth crept back into my life, unfreezing my frostbitten heart. We prayed together. We spent hours talking about our lives, connecting on deeper levels than I had ever connected with any man in my life. Sex wasn’t for our relationship and for the first time a man wasn’t hiding me on any level. He screamed his love for me from the rooftops. The love he showed me hugged my soul in a way I had never felt before. the first time I had felt truly safe in the arms of a man. This feeling had begun to show me all the I had settled for before. I vowed to never settle for anything ever again, not in relationships, friendships, none of it. I was motivated to stand up for myself and accept what I deserved. knew my worth for the first time in what seemed like my whole life. I had no idea that he would show me this new-found love to turn around and rip it away from me when I least expected it.

I had been numb to men treating me terribly at this point. There was a time when I had begun to expect it. It never stopped me from seeing men I knew weren’t into me for anything more than my body. I was searching for love hoping that one of these men would see right through to my heart. Past all the pain, all the anger, and lingering sadness, one day someone would see me. I genuinely thought that that someone was him. The love he had showed me turned into an emotional roller coaster. One moment I could be the best thing that ever happened to him, the next he was nasty to the point my stomach would turn over and over. He was no longer the man who created my safe space. His mask was slipping off. We had this new apartment together, yet I felt so alone inside of what was to be ours. I couldn’t understand why he switched so , why he had become so dark towards me. Though it all began to make sense as time went on.

Weeks before our move I found out that I was pregnant. He was so supportive at first. It made my heart smile knowing that my child would have the father I always craved as a child. There was hope for my little one which ignited a new hope inside of me. We’d moved to our apartment with such excitement to start our little family. It had turned out, I had been the one excited for the arrival of one of the , but greatest gifts he had ever given to me. The first night in our apartment was something I had imagined would be so magical. The life I wanted was happening to me after years of feeling like happiness was never in the cards for me. first night in our apartment was when reality started to shatter the fantasy, he had dangled in front of me.

He’d started drinking heavily all while becoming a person I didn’t seem to recognize anymore. That night was the first night he raised his hand at me while I was pregnant with our daughter. My soul went spiraling back down from that night until I left him at the end of that week. He threatened me, told me to abort our baby girl, leaving me stunned and confused. usual that sick twisted weight slithered back to my chest. How could I not see it? When would a man love me the way I deserved to be loved? I spent my pregnancy feeling so cold and alone. I felt like nobody was there for me. The emptiness was so heavy, yet I was so numb. I felt the weight of it all while feeling virtually nothing. It felt impossible trying to get people to understand. I felt like I was screaming to a deaf crowd.

Then came the day that my little girl was . When I saw her for the first time my whole perspective on life changed. The love I felt for her was greater than any love I’d ever “thought” I’d felt in life. I had spent pretty much my entire life chasing love and attention when there was this different kind of love I had never known. The love between a mother and her child. My baby saved me in so ways. For the first time in such a long time I had felt. I had truly felt.

I was alive again because of her. My body, my soul, my mind. like being up from a deep sleep so well rested, bursting with energy. Motherhood turned me into someone I longed to be for so long. I had realized for the first time that I don’t need a man to make me feel valuable. I have such a new and greater purpose in this life. The hurt little girl I had stuffed deep down was now becoming a vibrant beautiful black woman. This version of myself was one that rooted deep in my heart. This version of me gave me chills. I was all along broke out into this soulfully impassioned woman.

My heart is so full loving her, caring for her, and knowing that I have the power to keep her safe. My heart is even fuller knowing that I know what to say to my daughter when she gets older, and her dad isn’t around. Knowing that I can raise her the way that I always wanted to be raised. Knowing that there is hope for the both of us. I am valuable. I am vibrant. am a mother. No man can ever take that away.