Unopened Letters to Mom

Dear mom,

Why haven’t you answered my letters its been over 15 years?

I have so many questions. I just don’t understand. Did I do something to upset you? You said I will see you in a couple days and its been over 15 years. No calls no explanation.

I hear you had two more children after you left. You had a boy months after I last saw you and a girl a couple years later. I didn’t learn that I had a brother and sister until I was 18. How is that even fair? You leave and have two more children and you don’t leave them? Do you love them more than me? Was I a bad kid? Dad tells me their names are Tyler and Kailyn. They seem like good kids.

Dad tells me that you live far away. Dad doesn’t talk about you much and when I ask about you he tells me you left because you needed to take care of your personal issues and changes the subject.

I wish you were here and never left. I wish I could understand how you could leave and never come back. I have my own kid now and she is amazing. I am so grateful to have here and I can’t ever imagine leaving her side. Having her has made me learn how a mom should be. Not you.

Love

The Kid YOU Left Behind.

Every kid has two parents, doesn’t mean they are present. My mom left for good when I was 5 but before then she play a very inactive roll in my life. She was appointed vistation rights and didn’t normally come around. I never knew my mother as mom she was always ( blank to protect her name). My mother put me in many unsafe situations that any sane parent would be mortified by. My mom even when married to my father would have a different boyfriend at ever visitation. Most of these men would disrespectful to my mother and my mom would neglect me to spend time with them.

There were many occasions she would give me a bag of gold fish or sugar cereal and leave me infront of the TV for hours while her and her boyfriend would do things and possibly leave me home on my own.

I don’t remember much from my childhood but I do remember a couple of events that still haunt me to this day. One event that I remember is my mom picking me up from my grandparents for her weekend and she picked me up brought me to some strange place I did not remember and left me with a couple I did not know. She told me when I met her that she had traded me for a bag of cocaine. She went to a party and never came back. My dad had to come find me.

The most horrifing events is the night I have nightmares about still. My mom had this boyfriend who happens to be the father of my brother. He was beating the crap out of my mom one night and I was right there in the room. We were in some run down apartment in a bad neighborhood in Dover NH. This man was a horrible man and a man I wish never exhisted. He hurt me in many ways. My mom knew the things that he had done to me and in the court room stood by his side. Even then my mom chose a man over me with doctors and a judge to prove what had happened she stood by his side and told me I was a little liar looking for attention. My mom told a 3 year old that a man was more important than her child. Still to this day my mom will not admit she was wrong and say she is sorry for believing a man over her child.

Growing up my mind shut out many of the things my mom had put me through and the older I got the more I remembered my family never talked about my mom even when I asked the subject was changed quickly. When I was school age I thought I didn’t have a mom like I was born without one. When I learned I did have a mom I lived thinking I wasn’t good enough for a mom like I didn’t deserve that kind of love from someone. I just wanted a mom. I still do.

When I turned 18 I reached out to my mom we met at a local restaurant and had lunch and it was very awkard and I was fed two meals, the seafood I had ordered and the crap she thought I wanted to hear.

For two years we had a very on and off again relationship. I was also dating these people who treated me much like the men my mom dated were treating her. I finally found someone who supported me and loved me and I realized that my mom doesn’t love me and she isn’t sorry for the pain she has caused me or the trauma she has put me through. At that point I sent my mom a 1k word text message on how her parenting has affected me and my ability to be a mother. I told her how much her shitty parenting has ruined my brother and sisters life. I ended my relationship with my mother over a year ago and its the best thing I have ever done

Never feel obligated to have a parent in your life. If they walked out on you or put you through any sort of hardship you don’t owe them anything. Sometimes parents need a wakeup call. Some parents make mistakes and deserve a second chance but not all of them. If you have a relationship with your other parent cherish that. My dad is my rock and has helped me through everything. He is a good man and the reason I am who I am today.

My mom may have birthed me but I will always regret the day I let her in my life.

From the child left behind.