Unmother

Being a woman, in any society really, is difficult. Because in all of them, the top thing for women is to be a mother. To give birth. To procreate. Which inherently isn't a horrible thing. It can be a beautiful thing. But it also puts an incredible amount of pressure on us. Those who aren't ready. Those who may never be ready. Those who want but can never ever have. Those who know for sure they never want them.

As you age it becomes more and more part of your conversations.

"So how many kids do you want?" "Have you thought about kids?" "Oh you two have been together awhile, time to have kids isn't it?" "When are you going to give me grandchildren?"

Every question, every judgement, just fuels that stress.

I remember being eleven or twelve years old. And the prospect of having children did not interest me in the slightest. That remained the status quo until one day, in a Panera no less, I was standing in line behind a mother, holding her infant. And that infant smiled at me. And let me tell you, I felt the weirdest, most unpleasant twinge in my womb. At that very moment, at 15 years old, I realized "Hey, I want one of those."

It was all downhill from there. It fluctuated between knowing I wasn't old enough, not financially stable enough, hell I wasn't even in a relationship to... my womb hurts and I really want a child.

Fast forward to now, I'm 23, married for almost four years now. Still not financially stable enough for a child. But I'm in a relationship so the option is there. Logic holds me back. Is it logic? No, it isn't. That's not the truth. Because the truth is I could get another job, increase my income. I could make it work. The truth is that I am terrified.

I am terrified I won't be a good mother. I am terrified I won't like it. I am terrified that I won't ever gain the patience I need to do this job. This 24/7 job. No breaks, no time off, no clocking out. A forever job. Normally, something like that would comfort me. A sure thing. I like sure things. Lack of stability scares me, triggers my anxiety. There's another one. My anxiety. It has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. How am I supposed to be a mother when the smallest things send me into a panic attack.

My husband wants children, biologically speaking. There's another fear. Pregnancy, labor. Forget raising. Forget the finances. What about growing the damn thing? Giving myself up for nine months to a creature I haven't met yet. There's all the typical issues of course.

• Nausea
• Frequent Urination
• Breast pain
• Nipple pain
• Hemorrhoids
• Fatigue
• Leg swelling
• Shortness of breath
• Heartburn
• Odd food cravings
• Flatulence
• Increased breast size
• Increased sense of smell
• Inability to control your bladder as well as you used to

These are all the things that have a high probability of occurring during this "magical time," but what about the unusual symptoms. The scarier symptoms. How about the things that no one has ever told you before. Blood for example. Did you know? Did you know that if the mother is Negative, and the father is positive this can be a problem? Essentially, what happens is the mother's body doesn't take kindly to having positive blood introduced. However, the good thing is, this only becomes a problem after your first child.

If it is your first, then there shouldn't be any concern unless something happens and the baby's blood mixes with yours. This is why it can become an issue after you give birth to your first child, as it is possible that may happen. It is called Rh-negative. This isn't a health issue except for when your baby is Rh-positive (like when the father has a positive blood type.) (I'm not going to get super into it but you know what it is called if you'd like to research it more.).

Anyway, as a woman able to get pregnant, I had never ever heard of this problem before. Basically, if positive blood is introduced to a negative body the body then can make antibodies, and any pregnancy thereafter will be threatened because my body has trained soldiers hell bent on destroying that fetus just 'cause. This is horrifying, because now I have to worry about it.

I had a miscarriage two years ago, won't go into details. But miscarriages can introduce the baby's blood into my system. There is a test to see if you have the antibodies but I haven't been brave enough to get it done yet. And as I am not planning on having children anytime soon, I will probably hold off on that until I have to.

Why? Why don't I just get tested? Because scarier than raising kids, having kids, birthing them, I am terrified I DO have the antibodies. This doesn't make it impossible for me to have children, but it does put me in the high risk category. And that's upsetting. Of course. So there's that.

Then, I recently discovered you can have a stroke just 'cause you're pregnant. There's also the enormous list of things that can go wrong, that no one can predict until you are pregnant and it is happening and therefore too late to prevent. Circling back to my anxiety, which wouldn't be good for a baby. I already worry about ridiculous almost impossible things going wrong on a daily basis.

And if I were to get pregnant then it would just pile on. Fear, worry, paranoia. One on top of the other. I'd probably give myself high blood pressure. Unintentionally. You can bleed out when giving birth. The average human has about 4 to 6 liters of blood in their body. Someone I know lost 3 liters when she gave birth and had to remain at the hospital for a few days while they transfused her. That's horrifying.

So, I guess I am just wondering. Does anyone else feel the same? The intense fear of it, while battling the intense want for it at the same time. I want it so badly. But at the same time I don't. Does that mean I shouldn't have a baby or are these feelings normal? Is my intensity on the subject just because it is me, and I am an intense person? Or does the intensity mean something else, contain a deeper reason?

My husband is certain about his role, his ability to learn and be a father. And he has faith in me as well, but I don't, not in myself. Am I supposed to believe in myself before I do this? What if I never feel that way? It isn't like I can just... not have a child. Because he wants children. And I love him, and I want to make him happy. And a large part of me also wants children. But he doesn't have the fear that I have.

I talk about this because it is uncomfortable, and all I can do is hope that there are others who feel like this or similar and are willing to open the conversation. Because it becomes easier to handle difficult things when there are others who go through the same things—it can help to find kindred spirits, and they may be able to help each other through hard times.