Turning 40

I just turned 40 this past November and there are so many emotions I am going through. Let me start by saying that I am super grateful, I am happy with how my life has turned out and I am blessed to have everything that I have. But I also feel guilt. Why do I get to turn 40?

My life has turned out completely different than how I ever imagined. I am in a loving and happy relationship. We have been together for over a decade and I fall in love even more with her every day. We have made a home together with hard work, dedication and sacrifices. We have two amazing children. I most definitely feel like I hit the jackpot.

She taught me what pure love is. Something I did not think I was worthy of having. I grew up with not the best role models in what a healthy relationship is. She did not judge me by my past, overlooked my insecurities and accepted my trauma. I don’t realize she knows how much that means to me. Yet, she still chose to be with me, create a life with me, start a family with me and love me. I have the rest of my life to make her feel as special as she makes me everyday.

My kids are something else. My first born has taught me so much. He has taught me unconditional love which I can’t even explain. He has taught me how to be patient, kind, caring and most of all, how to be the father I wish I had growing up. I sometimes cannot believe how much I love that kid. He has given me a second chance at reliving my childhood.

My daughter who is just a few months old has me wrapped around her finger. I have never felt this sense of wanting to protect her from everything and everyone. I want to keep her safe from all the evil in this world. My heart grew because of her and I am doing things that I did not do with my son. I look forward to holidays and celebratory moments. My kids mean the world to me.

And even with all of that, with all of the love and all of my blessings and all of things I should be grateful and feel numb. I feel undeserving. I feel like a fraud. We lost someone who was a close friend of my family that was diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer at 38 and a half and died at 40 and I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I get to live this amazing life, this loving life and she got to live her last year and a half with pain and left an amazing kid behind. She was healthy, did not drink alcohol, did not take drugs, ate fairly healthy, and was weight conscious. No history of her illness in her family and yet, she pulled the short straw in life.

I have grieved. I have gone through all of the stages of grief and I can finally say that I was lucky to have known her. She brought me joy and laughter, and some amazing arguments on the dumbest things ever. She was authentic, unapologetically herself and kept it real when I was being a jack ass. Even though there will always be some sadness and I will miss her dearly, I have some amazing memories that will last a lifetime.

I write all this to say, with all of the shit that is going on in the world, the people we have lost, those who have come and gone, let’s be present in the now. Let’s be grateful for everyone who are present and those who are not because without them, we cannot grow as individuals. Let’s love hard, laugh hard and live hard because tomorrow is not promised. Let’s make tributes and remember those we have lost and make them proud. This is my vow to my wife, my kids and my loved ones.