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Too Much Information

by Victoria Ramos 9 months ago in lgbtq · updated 8 months ago
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Hidden Identity

Photo By Prawny

The wind blows heavily outside the bedroom window late at night, making it impossible to dream.

A tall handsome young man in his early twenties named Anthony tries to lie down in bed to sleep, but the constant sound of the wind and small branches known as twigs keeps him awake.

He is waiting for the night to fall heavily over the Denver Rocky Mountains that he can view from his bedroom window.

And yet, the same twigs continue to make it worse as they kept hitting the glass window outside into this bedroom where he lies worried.

He feels someone is staring at him. He gets nervous looking in the direction of the hallway. It’s his sister Alice who is standing there. She smiles at him and goes back into her room. Anthony laughs to himself.

He recalls how close they use to be.

As children, they would be together in the backyard for hours playing with each other, and then set up a cloth tent next to a large pine tree near a busy stream close to home in Colorado.

They hoped in catching plenty of frogs and placing them in medium-size mason jars so later-onset them free in the pond at home.

Alice was always the lucky one of course.

She caught a huge brownish Gray's stream frog once in her small hands not letting go for dear life.

They usually live in streams during the cold season and part of the year as well.

However, they are not too far from water and continue to be active all year, except when it's really cold outside like today that's why Alice was able to grab it in its sleep.

It was a male one of all things and boy did it sing at night like a loud opera singer. She was so brave never afraid of anything when they were kids.

Alice was a creature of habit.

She didn't like playing with dolls or playing dress-up instead she enjoyed being dirty like one of the boys.

Their father Cesar would just laugh out loud seeing Alice get into mischief from one day to the next.

He would say, "Look at my courageous girl. She loves getting her hands dirty just like her old man."

He then looked at Anthony worried because he was afraid to try anything.

To his dismay, arouse fear.

"My son the frighten one, he scares me so," he muttered.

Anthony felt strange and to see his father stare at him with disappointment because it made him feel awful as a child growing up.

Unfortunately, his father never had a chance to see him grow up.

He was taken by the Angel of Death on a stormy Christmas morning.

His father was always out of town working hard as a truck driver until he had a fatal accident on the freeway as he was coming home from a long trip delivering a heavy load to a company out of state, and there was more snow on the road as his pickup truck lost control. He was driving on a slippery roadway trying to get home for Christmas.

The highway patrol made two reports, the first suggests he turned too quickly or either panicked while braking when he saw headlights facing the opposite way and crashed.

The other report indicated his father was traveling Westbound on Interstate 70 when he tried to make a complete stop for a stop sign, then crashed into five cars at a 180-degree spin and ended up across the other side of the highway, then died instantly because of the strong impact as his seat belt strapped to his chest was defective, resulting in injury and death.

Anthony disagreed after rereading both police reports that were written.

He was convinced the manufacture of the seat belts inside the company's pickup truck was to blame for not saving his father's life. His mother Karla decided to open a lawsuit against the company and won. Although it never changed anything for Anthony because of the harsh reality it was already too late for him and his father to ever make amends. However, Anthony still wanted to prove to himself that he can be strong and brave just like his sister Alice.

At first, it was not easy for him to try something new.

He literally had to take baby steps to find the strength to move forward not backward. As Anthony and Alice grew up they sadly became distant towards each other. It was then Anthony noticed he was afraid that he knew something was different about him. He couldn't figure out at the time what it actually was, but something definitely seemed out of place.

He just felt the need to always know too much information.

More than anything Anthony wanted people to like him at whatever cost.

At school, he joined the book club and was the president of the club for a month.

But then it happened unforeseen, for no reason.

He started talking about civil rights, then the war and his hatred towards President Ronald Reagan and of course the entire government that before long, he was told never to return to the book club ever again.

It still didn't stop Anthony that's for sure.

He was determined to find acceptance.

Anthony then enrolled in the Spanish club after school. Everything was fine learning some Spanish words here and there. Until he started it up again talking about how Reagan was encouraging the exploitation of Mexican-American farm-workers.

He would go on further telling how Cesar Chavez was the one who not only made a difference within the Hispanic community. But led the movement and it was his idea to protest about how underpaid the Mexican-American farm-workers were being treated.

Anthony was right about that part.

In spite of that, he went on and on about Reagan being supportive to make his business partners become wealthy even though it was true for most Americans to think how the President of the United States is a liar.

Anthony then became a hypocrite saying, "That Mexicans should work as farm-workers after all that's all they are good for anyways."

The Spanish club members were not pleased with Anthony's comments and behavior.

In fact, they waited for him afterward and beat him up for being racist.

Anthony was badly hurt that day and he ended up in the hospital with a broken nose and a dislocated shoulder.

After that last altercation, he laid low for a while, then signed up for the Glee club at the local YMCA down the street by his house. He finally found something he was good at. It was singing of all things. He memorized all the lyrics to the Beatles albums. He was the best tenor in the Glee club. Anthony's vocal range was considered to be one of the highest of the male voice types in the club. He would perform a solo performance as his voice would range up to a tenor high C a very rare talent that most male singers find it hard to achieve when it came to singing. Nevertheless, Anthony was indeed magnificent.

Suddenly from one day to the other Anthony's world was shattered into pieces as the news broadcast announced on a cold breezy morning on December 8, 1980, on live radio that John Lennon was dead.

Anthony for the first time in a long time after his father's passing cried so exceedingly that he could not speak or breathe for a moment in sorrow and devastation.

He was screaming uncontrollably.

The next day he stayed in bed watching all the news media on the man, who was responsible for shooting the late John Lennon in cold blood.

The killer was known as Mark David Chapman an obsessed fan, who stood for hours waiting for the singer to arrive at his Dakota apartment building outside in New York City and then fired at Lennon five times, hitting the singer four times in his back.

For Anthony, it hit home personally because he didn't want to believe he was really dead.

He was in complete denial.

Anthony admired John Lennon because he had the same feelings about the injustice against people's civil rights being validated, hated, mistreated, and the war just like he did.

Days had gone by, and then he received a call from his best friends Henry and Edgar.

They wanted to give him some time to recuperate with the hopes of him coming back to the Glee club if preferable tonight.

Apparently, there was going to be a special guest speaker by the name of Allen Ginsberg.

He was going to recite part of his famous poem, "Howl," which is considered to this day to be Ginsberg's finest works.

Ginsberg was known to be an outspoken advocate of his time.

He speaks on the truth of how serious the problems are with our government in America.

Ginsberg felt social injustice was unfair to all walks of life not just men, women, and blacks but especially towards homosexuals who were constantly being targeted for taking a stand in wanting equal rights when it came to their sexuality.

Immediately Anthony got out of bed not having time to put his shoes on and he quickly went downstairs to the kitchen to eat. The guys at the end of the receiver were laughing so hard at Anthony's reaction as they knew Ginsberg was his favorite author. So that same evening Anthony, Henry, and Edgar were early at the YMCA. They helped set up all the chairs and refreshments around each corner of the auditorium. It was a packed house as everyone waited eagerly to hear Ginsberg speak.

Ginsberg comes out behind the red curtain as he walks towards the podium to talk. He has a serious look on his face, a gray-bearded image of a man, who gives the impression of having experienced it all in his lifetime. Ginsberg raises his eyebrows to the audience as he cleans his black-rimmed glasses with a white handkerchief, and then gradually adjusts his tweed jacket.

He begins to project his voice loud and clear reciting the first part of the poem, "Howl."

It's simply mind-blowing.

Anthony knows the first time it was read to a live audience in San Francisco on October 07, 1955.

During that time, many critics suggested that Ginsberg's tone came across as having a sense of frustration and energy filled with anguish in his voice. Perhaps it has to do with how strongly he expresses his ideas when it relates to the topic of American culture and the social injustice of what it means to be labeled as an outcast in modern-day society. As the evening progresses, he continues to elaborate further in bringing up social and censorship issues about what it means to find one's true identity in order to relieve his own personal headache of a corrupted government.

Anthony feels his blood pressure go up.

He wishes he can go outside to take a quick smoke to relax his nerves, but he doesn't want to miss a second of Ginsberg's poem.

The anticipated crowd feels the tension in Ginsberg's words as he keeps heightening his voice. He tells about the consequences of what happens in modern society especially when faced with cultural barriers that are a result of changes in tradition and government power.

Now for Anthony, Ginsberg is the voice of the American people, when they believed all hope was lost in such a difficult time as many feel their government is depriving them of their civil rights.

More than ever, Ginsberg is seen as a mad enthusiastic individual, whose outrage may suggest the importance of wanting stability and individualism for all mankind.

The crowd goes wild giving him a standing ovation, as Ginsberg is stunned at how the audience praises him for his dramatic performance as he takes a bow, then walks off the stage.

Anthony wastes no time as he hurries backstage.

He wants to have the opportunity to talk to him.

But it's too late Ginsberg has left the building.

A black limousine with unmarked license plates drives off leaving Anthony alone again in the world only to fend for himself.

In the meantime, Henry and Edgar are cleaning up the mess at the auditorium. Anthony with his head low walks up to them. He offers to help as well. Henry hands Anthony a folded note.

Anthony reaches out for it.

It reads, "Anthony, don't let me down, young man. Believe in yourself and your true purpose in life!"

Signed Allen Ginsberg.

Anthony was driven now. He felt confident that nothing could stop him at this point. He was so happy! The guys finished then walked home together feeling good about themselves. And so, inspired after hearing Ginsberg speak tonight. Each one of them had so many ideas and plans of making all kinds of necessary flyers so that they can distribute them to all classmates first thing on Monday morning at the YMCA.

They agreed to meet at Anthony's house tomorrow to get started.

The long hours of the night wearied on Anthony, as anxiety returns with a heavier dosage than before. He is physically exhausted by the ongoing thoughts of his emotions getting in the way of his life. Anthony feels fatigued even tired of coming up with negative conclusions of what his true sexuality really is. And yet, it's possible he's gay. For now, he will put it to rest not ignoring the fact that perhaps he is actually gay. Even though it causes him to have a lot of pressure to be straight that he simply cannot do it any longer. He closes his eyes trying to disconnect from the world.

Still, the fact remains Anthony suffers from a hidden identity. Regardless he now has a true purpose, a cause to fight for his civil rights, race, social class, injustice, and most of all equality. He will lead all kinds of protests. Finally have a secret underground civil rights group known as The Rebels with a Cause. Anthony knows it will make him feel wanted or belong especially, be part of something that is truly worth fighting for.

He just wished Alice was supportive of his cause. She isn't a bad sister really. As a matter of fact, he loves his sister very much. The only problem was they both did not see eye to eye on certain subject matters.

For instance, they argued about civil rights and the Vietnam War.

Alice expresses how people who want their voice to be heard are considered to be threats.

"Look at what really happened to the students, who protested against the Vietnam War in the 70s. Where did that get them in life?" she cried.

Anthony would just grin at her shaking his head.

He knows she is probably right but purposely wants to tell her she is wrong for the sake of argument.

Anthony says, “The cause is what matters because people have the right to know why our government is deceiving them.” “Sure,” she replies.

Anthony can’t help being frustrated with Alice to the point it escalates into a heated argument between them.

“The government knows everything from the car you drive to the very detail of the recent purchase of those expensive pair of Levis jeans you’re wearing, which by the way you can’t even afford anyways,” Anthony laughed.

“That’s insane,” Alice gasped.

She stared at him with total astonishment unable to say another word.

Anthony knew by her facial expression, he had won the argument with her.

For one it gave him complete satisfaction and said, “Exactly.”

The phone rings in his room, it’s Henry and Edgar.

Anthony motions for Alice to leave. She walks out upset as Anthony shuts the door behind her then locks it. Months have passed since then. Anthony and his friends are on a roll. They are on a mission to stop the government from covering up another major scandal on students, who are terrorists. Somehow Anthony managed to obtain private documents of students who fit the description of being a terrorist.

Alice finds it difficult being his sister. She prefers to stay out of his business. He is so caught up in his world that he doesn’t take the time to pay attention to all his surroundings, especially at home with her and their mother Karla. Now it has become more perplexed and out of control as Anthony and Edgar stay late for hours at the YMCA.

Each one of them, talks to people about civil rights, while Henry is at Anthony’s house every day printing all the necessary flyers, making phone calls, organizing underground meetings so they can enough people to join the group.

Meanwhile, Henry’s main interest was in Anthony’s sister Alice.

Henry says, “There’s just something about Alice that drives me crazy! She is so hot!”

Later on in the afternoon, Alice arrives home from school.

She walks in then gently taps Henry on the right shoulder then kisses him.

He is taken by surprise, as he kisses her back.

Before long, they are both naked on the wooden living room floor touching each other all over. Next, they engage in hot passionate sex, Alice groans softly as Henry breathes deeply he climaxes too soon, but it’s all worth it. He pulls out as she is comfortable letting him touch her naked body. He is exhausted and smiles. Henry wants to keep having more sex, but Alice realizes something is out of place.

She has a gut feeling something has happened to Anthony and Edgar.

Henry and Alice decided it was best to put on their clothes immediately and discuss what they should do in finding out where the guys were.

They can hear the tall antique grandfather clock striking twelve midnight, continuous ringing with a chime that fades into the darkness. On the spur of moment, the house phone rings. Edgar is calling from a public telephone booth outside Lee's dairy market.

He speaks, "They took everything, even my prepaid cell phone!" Edgar shrieks.

He pauses slightly, which then sounded like sobbing. Edgar sounded panic-stricken as he whispers in a low voice hoping nobody around him is listening. At the same time, Henry is trying his best to calm him down but it didn't work. Edgar just kept crying out loud.

Until finally he shouted, "Anthony has been kidnapped!"

Henry's face turned white as snow. He pulls Alice close looking petrified, not able to say a word. Henry appears to be very whey-faced but breathing steadily, his enigmatic eyes closed. Eventually, he breathes too fast as he continues to speak with Edgar on the receiver telling him not to worry he will go get him.

Edgar panted, "No, no please I have to get out of here right now!"

Henry trembled with suspicion.

And then realizes Edgar could be in great danger.

"Just hang in there bro. I'm going to help you get out of there. Let me figure out what to do with all the stuff here at the house. Whatever you do, don't move Edgar, just stay there! Go inside Lee's dairy market and wait," Henry said.

"Okay, Henry I will. Please hurry and tell Alice I'm sorry," Edgar shuddered.

"I will bro, just stay there," Henry responded.

"Thanks, man," Edgar rasps.

All of a sudden, the phone line was cut off as Henry felt it was for the best. Someone could have been hearing their conversation. He didn't want to take any more chances. Henry had to move quickly. Poor Alice won't stop asking questions to Henry who struggled in answering them.

Without a minute to spare, Henry holds her tight in his arms telling her "We don't have much time, Alice. Please help me gather all the papers in one box," Henry asked.

"Not until you answer me first God damn it!" Alice flustered.

"Listen to me well. Edgar wasn't making any sense about what happened to Anthony. So I can't tell you for sure what happened to your brother. All I need to do right now is get rid of this stuff. Either, you help me or not, that's fine too, okay." Henry sighed.

"You're lying to me!" Alice agitated.

"No, I'm not Alice! I need to hurry up before something else bad happens." Henry stated.

"What do you mean Henry?" Alice demanded.

"Babe, let's not get into it right now. Just trust me. Now hurry let's get this crap out of here!" Henry quivered.

Alice just wanted Henry to tell her it was all a big mistake.

He nodded his head with further distrust, as Alice continued to weep not knowing what else to do. There was no comfort of any kind, only emptiness. Bad memories of her late father's death were beginning to resurface. When her father died, nothing else mattered.

She just knew it would never be the same. It's sort of happening all over again like a recurring nightmare. She is falling apart inside her mind because she thinks that maybe she will never see Anthony again. Henry did not waste time; he knew what needed to be done. Alice watched him gather all the flyers, lists, papers, and photographs from the dining room table.

He started to rip everything into tiny pieces of paper then placed it all in a medium-sized cardboard box taking it outside to dump into one of the trash cans, and then lighted a match. The flames rose in the cold, windy night.

Alice dreaded telling her mother. She left Henry alone in the backyard as she decided to go upstairs to Anthony's room and try to find a clue on Anthony's whereabouts.

A few minutes later she heard someone walking up the steps towards Anthony's room. It was her mother, Karla. She entered the room and sat down next to Alice on the bed.

She began to cry saying, "What has happened to Anthony?"

Afterward, she continued to sob on the bedspread, while Alice was also thinking about her father and Anthony. She too was a complete mess as her face was covered with tears like the ocean's tide not able to control itself because the ocean's energy has a great force that is hard to escape.

She embraced her mother and told her, "don't worry mom I will find Anthony!"

But the truth was that she wasn't so sure.

At dawn, she woke up and yawned.

She found a letter beside her pillow.

Henry wrote, "I didn't want to wake you, babe. I am going to look for Edgar at Lee's dairy market, then head to Canada. Please whatever you do, don't talk to anyone, not even the cops. I don't trust them or anybody for that matter. For you and your mother's safety, deny that you know me. I got rid of everything in the house but I didn't clean out Anthony's room. I felt it was best for you to do it. Somehow you have to find the courage and strength to move forward. Your mother needs you more than ever. I didn't tell her anything more about Anthony. As I was still outside burning the last of the materials that Anthony and I made. However, she did tell me about having a bad feeling that something terrible happened to him. I just nodded as your mom went inside the house to go look for you upstairs. But before I leave I need to tell you something. I like you. I always have, Alice. Sure I believe in Anthony's cause but the truth is I am crazy about you! I won't say goodbye because I am coming back as soon as Edgar is safe. I promise to call you as soon as I get to Canada.

Take Care Babe,


Alice cried herself back to sleep after reading Henry's letter.

Shortly she was in a deep blissful dream watching Anthony waving goodbye to her by the Denver Rocky Mountains.


About the author

Victoria Ramos

I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. I write about characters who are problematic but solve their problems as the storylines are developed.

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