To The Toughest Woman I know

Dear Meme,

It has been almost five years since the last time we saw you. Yet, when asked to write to the toughest woman we know, the only one that popped in my mind was you. There are a lot of things that could describe you; stubborn, scary, independent, but above all I would describe you as strong. To your last breath you fought.

That night they decided to shut the machines off had to be the hardest thing for any of us to sit through and watch. Holding and rubbing your hands, listening to your last breaths, hoping for you to pass quickly, painlessly. For you that was an impossibility though. Instead you were struggling for over an hour. You couldn't and wouldn't let go.

It seemed hardest on Uncle Rusty and Mom the most, they knew they made the right decision, but to say goodbye felt like something we never thought we would do. I used to joke around and say that you were so stubborn most likely you’d out-live me!

Even as you grew older you were still so energetic. Even when the doctor told you to stop taking your daily walks, you still went out to see all your friends in the shops by your house, down to the beach and back again. Until that day the ambulance was called. You collapsed in one of the shops! Even after the doctor told you no, I'm sure you still snuck down when you felt a burst of energy. Or even that one time the police stopped you and took your license, your freedom and independence was falling through your fingers, but you still pushed forward. I can't imagine what the end of my life will be like, but I believe losing all these conveniences was some of the hardest things you've had to go through in many years.

On the last day we saw you, the house fell silent. I couldn't say it hit me yet, the fact that you were gone. It was then, that night, that you came to me; at least that's what Mom believes. I was at the Hospital, sitting watching you with Oliver. He was just over one at the time. You looked so healthy, so happy. At this moment, I sat there in shock. We watched you pass, everyone believed you were gone. After a time of rolling this over in my head I jumped up to find, of all people, Harry Jr. I suppose, he always seemed like the speaker of the family. When we had get-togethers, he was always the center of attention. In the dream I left Oli with you and ran to get him. This is when it got weird; when we got back, you weren't there. My son was left there on a blanket that had just been on your lap, now folded below him.

Mom said it was you saying goodbye. I didn’t understand why you would have come to me, of all people in our family. Your sister, my Uncles, my Mom, even my cousins that were there all the time, but you came to me? I am a bit skeptical, but also hopeful.

As I grew older, we started to have a closer relationship. You started to take my opinions better, we started having conversations instead of arguments. We were (are) both very bull-headed. I do see you a lot in me, and hope that I can become half as strong as you were. We never really spoke with each other alone. There was never a real opportunity, someone was always there. This was until the second to last visit I had in Maine. I think that was what was so hard for me when you passed. If we had more time together, would we have been closer?

Many years have gone by now, Oli is six years old now. He still has that red hair that matched yours, the hair you loved so much. I always thought it would go blonde. I did want to let you know I recently had a second child. A baby girl named Aoife. You probably know that just on the count that I had another dream you came by. This time you basically just seemed to come to meet her. She will never know you, but I see you in her a lot. I really wanted you to know that. Even after all these years, and the lack of time we had, I still see you a lot.

You, Meme, were the strongest woman in this whole town, this community, and even our family. Without you in the world, it seems much quieter. Now that your fight is over, I hope you are finally taking a rest. If there was anyone that saying matched, the one about not stopping till they’re dead, it would be you.

Sleep well, tell Papa we love him, and remember you’re loved as well. There were times you might not have felt like it, but you definitely are.

Love,

Your Granddaughter from Alaska