To All Moms

Five or six years old, in a car with my head pressed against the window looking up at the midnight stars, wondering if the moon was chasing us or were we following the moon. We have been in the car for days, my stomach is growling so loud, and my mom states we are stopping to get gas soon and she will grab something to eat, but I have to stay in the car. She goes over the rules: keep the doors locked, stay buckled, etc. We pull up, she goes in, and on her way back out she has the saddest look on her face. Looking at the pump, it stops at $3.23. I hear the gas cap being screwed on and the pop from her fighting to get the gas door shut. She gets it the car, slams her hands on the wheel at 10 and 2, and tears start sliding down her cheek. As we are pulling away, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a bag of chips, and hands them to me. Trying to hide her tears with a fake smirk, she keeps apologizing to me, saying things will get better, and she will stop again soon for food.

As I got older, I realized she stole the chips that night. It was never spoke about, but over the years similar situations had occurred that made it obvious.

I wish I could say my life was different. Sometimes, I wish I could join in on conversations about growing up and having sleep overs or how that one time at my birthday party was so funny because of whoever. The biggest wish I have, would be to say my mom eventually got her shit together and things were peachy, but that would be a lie.

My mom was a drug addict with multiple mental conditions. We were often homeless, we never had money to spare, and the first birthday party I ever had was when I turned 28 years old. A lot of people look down on her and preach of how pathetic her parenting skills were. To some reading might feel the same way and I would not blame you. Even as I sit here typing, rereading what I have already wrote, I question is my mother the best woman I know? Is she really the one I should tell others about?

Yes. Yes, because we had been in the car that one night for days after my stepdad nearly beat her to death while she was protecting me from him. Yes, because she stole the bag of chips to feed me, without even taking one for herself, even though she too had to be starving. Finally, yes, because as crazy as it sounds, she put her last three dollars and twenty-three cents in the gas tank. Momma was human and made her fair share of mistakes, but she did things the only way she knew how to and always tried to put me first, even when her body and mind was telling her it needed the drugs. Putting it all together, I still can't image how she must have felt that night. Even with all the bad that has happen in my life, I knew my mother loved me. The type of love, that for some seems so simple, yet is lacking in so many children's lives. So not only do I want to thank my mom for doing the best she could I want to write a letter to all the moms out there.

So, to any mom reading:

Did you have the worst day but still smiled and asked how school was when the kids came through the door? Did you finally find that one thing at the store you have always wanted but passed it by because your child needed that one thing instead? Maybe you finally got the chance to sit down and eat, only to have little eyes drooling over your food, so therefore you had to get up and make more, or better yet just gave your plate away? If you said yes to any of the questions or can think of similar scenarios, Thank you. Thank you for all the sacrifices you make and choosing to do the best you can, no matter what. Thank you for being a mom on not just the good days, but the bad ones too. You are the true heroes of the world, changing lives every day.