Time

Things change. Time goes on and yet we have, only, right now. This present, current moment in time. Slowly but surely and yet as quick as the sands pass through the hour glass, time passes. For each of us we have a certain kind of security. We have a type of fervent wish or tamed desire pushing us through each day. We find ourselves stuck in time or as fast as the river rushes, down stream, we wonder how we got there. My fondest joy as a child was going to my grandmother's home. Her name is Maw. Maw and Pop. The adults would have coctails and either BBQ next to the pool or a nice roast would be sending aroma arrows throughout the house. I would play with my cousins. We would swim in the pool, swing on the tire swing or adventure in the woods behind the house. I can smell all the smells and feel the coolness of the air conditioning on hot summer days. My memories. When I close my eyes I can smell the eggs and scrapple frying in the morning with the sound of the Bunn dripping the coffee. Pop left us many many moons ago to Lynphonma. Maw, now nearly 89 currently resides in an assisted living home for those with Damentia. Things change. Time goes on and yet we have, only, right now. My right now is sitting at my kitchen table, listening to ABC songs on youtube as my toddler runs around and I write this piece for you. My right now is fairly comfortable. 100 degrees outside, my window AC unit is keeping it bearable in my home. On this Ranch on the border of Mexico that I call home. My almost 19 year old son is in his new bedroom, my old room, now his. He is gaming online. My right now also consists of my two other children, 6 year old son and 10 year old daughter, from my ex husband, sitting in their grandmother's small stuffy appartment in the city probably staring at their phones on Tik Tok, playing Mindcraft or whatever other such mindcontrolled distractuions eat up thier time. Parental alienation preceeding my divorce has segwayed to a damaged relationship with my 2 middle children. This has brought me much heartache. Now, my toddler is biting my nipple as he nurses and I type these words. I am frustrated and angry now. All I want to do is get these words out of my mind and onto this screen. Yes, I can ween him off at any moment which will have its own slew of conflict resolution scenarios. Single mother of 4, never easy, always hard. I can always close my eyes and think of the days when I was a child running around in the grass at Maw's house. Maw's house was sold some years ago, however still stands on the same street in the same town on the same coast, East. I now live on the West coast. Over 3,000 miles away from where I grew up. My right now, a few weeks ago, took myself and my toddler back home. I have missed it so. Craving some familiarity, comfort and security from the past which has slipped by as quickly as ice melts. I saw Maw, in her new home. She did not know who I was. Her question every few minutes was the same. "I live here?" My aunt and I would answer her the same. "Yes, you live here." Then she would ask, "where is my husband?" We would answer, "He is in heaven." Her next question, "Well, how long has he been there?" Our answer, about 20 years now. Then, she would ask, "I live here?" And our answer would be, "yes, you live here." And on and on we went. Same questions with the same answers. Things change. Time goes on and yet we have, only, right now. It had been three years since I saw Maw last. She was is a gradula cognitive decline, living in her new condo, still knowing who I was and where she was. On this recent visit, I drove by Maw and Pop's old house. The new owner was mowing the grass. I almost pulled into the drive way, however, chose to keep driving past. I could see Maw doing cartwheels in the front yard as she did whenever we would leave. She was always full of energy. She kept the house sparkling clean. The fresh towels in the linen closet folded and stacked neatly was always one of my favorite things to admire. Maw will always be my most favorite person. Maw will always be the woman and grandmother I aspire to be. Even though she does not remember me now and will depart us one day in the near future, I can always close my eyes and smell her roast in the oven. I can always close my eyes and feel her standing next to me as she taught me how to make her famouse mashed potatoes. Tears roll down my cheecks in this now moment because things change. From childhood to adulthood, things change. That of which we could physically be in the precence of and experience does not always last forever. In fact, most things do not last forever. Driving by Maw and Pop's which is no longer Maw and Pop's reminds me of how slowely yet quickly time goes by. Being in those moments of Joy and then years later looking back, we realize that our confort and joy must come from within. Our security must not be bound by material things in time and space. We will always have our memories to look back on. Clinging to the now moments of the past for comfort will only lead us to the abrupt stop sign of this current moment. Looking back on what was and now is currently not. This time that we seek, we will always have. Our memories. Our workings in this precent moment. Everytime I make Maw's mashed potatoes I bring the past to the present moment. When I smell bounce dryer sheets I am immediately standing at the linen closet admiring Maw's maternal handywork. When my children have children and they come for dinner, I will be Maw. I will be the Maw to them that Maw is and always will be for me. The all encompasing joy of my childhood that I can still have in adulthood. Even though I cannot fully have those moments back, I can recreate them. I can close my eyes and relive them. Things change. Time goes on and yet we have, only, this moment. Enjoy it. With love: Erin