Tiger Mother

Every type of society has its own unique parenting norms, its own set of rules regarding what is and what is not an appropriate way of parenting. One of the more prominent parenting styles is traditional Chinese, or as some call it, “tiger mom.” This type of parenting involves strict rules and extremely high expectations. Recently, stories of this Chinese style parenting have emerged thanks to a memoir written by Amy Chua. In her memoir, Chua describes her experience as a parent and her views on being a tiger mother. But those views were questioned by many claiming that being so harsh would have harmful effects on children. Although Chua makes a strong argument for Chinese-style parenting, the style can diminish a child’s physical and mental wellbeing. Amy Chua’s parenting style hinders childrens’ exploration of interests, confidence and charm, ability to perform in a social setting, and sense of individuality.

Born to two Chinese immigrant parents, Chua was raised by strict parents who demanded respect and held their daughters to unreasonably high expectations. But Chua felt that her parents expectations were “the greatest gift anyone has ever given” her. When it came time for Chua to raise her own daughters, Chua decided to go about raising them as her parents raised her. According to Chua, there were many things prohibited in her family. Chua describes these rules and regulations in her memoir,

"A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• Attend a sleepover
• Have a playdate
• Be in a school play
• Complain about not being in a school play
• Watch TV or play computer games
• Choose their own extracurricular activities
• Get any grade less than an A
• Not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• Play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• Not play the piano or violin"

Throughout her memoir, Chua points out a few of the reasons why Chinese parents are so stern. In her excerpt of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Chua says “nothing is fun until you’re good at it.” Continuing her point, Chua states that children do not want to work hard naturally, so a parent’s job is to “override their preferences” and force them to work. The demand for perfect grades by Chinese parents, according to Chua, is because of the parents’ deep belief that their child is highly capable of achieving those grades. They believe that if the child doesn’t achieve the grades, then the child did not work hard enough. Additionally, Chua makes the interesting point that Chinese parents believe their children owe them everything, while most “western” parents believe that, since they brought a child into the world, it necessary to provide that child support. Another reason Chua offers the reader is that Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore disregard their children’s own desires.

Chua’s parenting style hinders children’s exploration of their own interests and talents. In not allowing her children to choose the extracurricular activities they participated in, Chua prevented her daughters from finding the activities and hobbies they truly enjoyed. Part of being a child is trying new things and exploring all of the amazing things that the world has to offer. When children are not able to experience life, seeing the good in the world is a great deal harder. Another important part of interests and hobbies is the social aspect. Most children meet lifelong friends at soccer tryouts or the meeting for the art club. Making connections with other children, which is vital to social development, is virtually impossible while all of children’s time is taken up by perfecting grades and pouring hours of work into a piece of music on the piano. Furthering this idea, author Hanna Rosin expresses the significance of imperfections along with the acceptance of those imperfections. In her essay titled “Mother Inferior,” Rosin states, “The answer is not to aim for more effective child-perfecting techniques, it is to give up altogether on trying to perfect our children.” Rosin argues that children, given the freedom to choose their path, find their own unique passion. When passion meets determination, not only success but also happiness is reached.

Another claim that critics of Chua’s parenting make is that such strictness diminishes children’s confidence and charm. In Chua’s memoir, she admits to calling her child garbage as her father did to her. She also admits to calling her child “lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent, and pathetic” when her daughter struggled to play a song on the piano. Although Chua claims she said these things to push and motivate her daughter, these words leave most children feeling like a disappointment to their parents. While all children naturally desire the approval of his or her parents, this way of talking to a child can severely cripple the confidence children need to have in order to be successful. Confidence is necessary in the world today, as showing the qualities of a leader results in the receiving of leadership positions. In Patrick Goldstein’s essay “Tiger Mom vs. Tiger Mailroom,” a man is quoted by Goldstein stating, “It’s not about where you went to college or how good-looking you are or whether you could play football—it’s about whether you can create a relationship.”

However, confidence is not necessary in the working world alone. Socially, children need confidence. Unfortunately, Chua’s parenting methods don’t aid in boosting self-esteem. In a time when bullying is at an all time high, it is especially difficult for children to make friends. Without the confidence to communicate with other children, most kids with low self-esteem end up eating lunch alone. This lack of communication with people prevents children from experiencing group dynamics and hinders an understanding of social norms. In another essay, named “Amy Chua is a Wimp,” author David Brooks makes the argument, “She’s protecting them from the most intellectually demanding activities because she doesn’t understand what’s cognitively difficult and what isn’t.” By stating this idea, Brooks means that because Chua was raised in a way that prevented teenage communication she doesn’t understand that at times, communication within social groups is more cognitively taxing than math problems for hours on end. Brooks also says that when participating in successful groups, the members are able to read emotions and trust the others, take turns speaking, manage input from others fluidly, and detect other members’ strengths. Without the knowledge to communicate with others, working in groups can be the most difficult task that a child raised by Chinese parents may face.

Additionally, Chua’s parenting techniques become a significant detriment to children’s individuality and sense of self. Elizabeth Kolbert, author of the essay “America’s Top Parent,” brings up an important point. Kolbert quotes a comment on the Wall Street Journal’s website, “Yes, you can brute-force any kid to learn to play the piano—just precisely like his or her billion neighbors. But you’ll never get a Jimi Hendrix that way.” In a nutshell, this comment means that any child can be forced to practice something they don’t care about and become phenomenal at that one thing. But there are millions of other children doing the same thing. The factors that makes one person stand out are passion and individuality, both of which are hindered by Chua’s form of parenting.

Although Chua defends her method of parenting, there are plenty of reasons to question the safety and effectiveness of her methods. All things considered, tiger mothers may want to reconsider the actions they take on their children. As a result of this parenting style, certain vital aspects of a child’s life can be hindered or ignored altogether.

References

“Adaptation of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua

“Mother Inferior” by Hanna Rosin

“Amy Chua is a Wimp” by David Brooks

“Tiger Mom vs. Tiger Mailroom” by Patrick Goldstein

“America’s Top Parent” by Elizabeth Kolbert

"From Author Amy Chua." Amy Chua. N.p., 2011. Web. 11 Oct. 2016.