Three Signs That Your Relationship Is In Deep Trouble

When I explained a little to my second ex what had happened with the first, how I caught her out having an affair, the second one told me "Oh you'd never catch me out, I'm a lot smarter than her." What that immediately told me was that here was a woman who could not be trusted. What she perhaps ought to have said was something like "Well you'd never catch me out, because I would not do anything like that to start with."

What she was telling me was that she most certainly would do something like that, but since she was even smarter than my ex or me, she would get away with it. And that my friends is something I see as a challenge. Anyway, just how much smarter did she manage to prove herself to be? Not that smart at all, worse than my first ex in fact.

Ok, so what were the three giveaways that made me realise that wife number two was playing away from home?

1.) Constant accusations of infidelity 

I swear, for two full years, not a single day passed without at least one, usually more, accusation/s of infidelity being expressed. It was almost as if she was prepared to seize every possible opportunity, no matter how far fetched a stretch of the imagination it was.

A pretty girl waiting for traffic to stop at the zebra crossing with a happy smile on her face. Apparently I was having a full blown affair with that totally unknown stranger.

My female boss at work, giving me my orders for the day near the front door of the academy where we worked. Apparently, in full view of everybody on the street, several feet apart, we were in the throes of making mad passionate love.

Her five year old niece, who I had to rescue from a rogue big wave when it was threatening to drown her, yes, I must have been having a soar away affair with her. This one was an offensive, distasteful and dangerous accusation to say the least. And this was all so irritating, tiring and highly indicative of my ex herself having an affair.

This type of behaviour is what is called guilt projection, which is a defence mechanism by which an individual unconsciously attributes their behaviors, emotions, impulses, undesirable characteristics, and thoughts to others. 

It is a way of taking our internal dialogue and turning it into an external exchange, as if our own beliefs or behaviours belong to someone else. It is a way to expunge ourselves of any guilt for some thing we are doing our selves. It is what I call 'Twisted Thinking.'

2.) Changes in behaviour

One of the most difficult extra marital affairs to detect is one which is going on at your spouse's place of work during working hours. They are in a controlled space to which you have no access without permission to enter.

In the case of my second cheating ex, she worked next door to our home in a depot owned by her aunty. At first it was not unusual for her to call me at home and ask me to make her a coffee and bring it over to her at the depot yard.

Once at the yard, having strolled freely through the big wide open gates at the entrance, I would get a grand tour of the whole place to see all the latest products that had recently come into stock. Suddenly that all changed.

One day I went up to the yard to find the gates closed and locked. Now, I presume my ex saw me coming on security cameras, because she suddenly appeared, looking somewhat distressed as she ran towards the locked gates, me outside on the road. She was red faced and her clothes a little dishevelled. Also, she was very nervously looking over her shoulder to the office building. I followed her gaze and saw a male fellow worker, her only colleague, exiting the office doing up his pants as he did so.

"You can't come in, you can't come in....! she exclaimed in an alarming fashion.

"It's just that my aunty has been having problems with thieves for quite a long time."

What the hell, I thought, "I'm family?" I replied.

"I know, but you can't come in today." That was it, there was no further explanation or discussion on the subject.

The next day, it was back to the norm of me just sailing in through the gates un-apprehended. Okaaayyy, so today there isn't any security issue. Talk about suspicious behaviour. Of course, in the end it turned out that there was a lot more to this scenario.

The swarthy, married with children, gypsy, lover boy, machine operator, had been with the company some thirteen years. And in all that time there had been a problem with somebody thieving product. They installed all manner of security measures and still could never get to the bottom of the problem.

In the end, my ex uncovered her lover's thieving but failed to inform her aunty. However, aunty was nobody's fool, she knew something was going on between my ex and her other employee. Then when she found out about his thieving and the affair, it all went off like bomb, as you can imagine.

Soon afterwards they both got fired and I got warned off for exposing them. In fact they had exposed themselves, not just to me but to her aunty as well.

Her family refused to believe her affair and tried to warn me off. 

I was told by her sister that it was dangerous for me to be around making false accusations and that I should get out of the country, leaving behind all my worldly goods, personal belongings, furniture, valuable antique books, clothing, brand new car, brand new apartment, musical instruments, business computer, my four year old son....Just go now...." she snarled "....whilst you still can!" I told her in no uncertain terms to just fuck off and leave me alone.

Well I stayed mostly for my son. Sadly, my ex took me for everything AND then fled the country with our son, and I have not seen nor heard from him since. So I guess that means that she did win in the end. Me? Well I won my freedom and my life. 

Not too much further down the line the gypsy boy passed away at just 43 years old and his replacement as my ex's new beau also suddenly passed away at the age of 45. So my close friends and family reckon I had a lucky escape.

Not too many years later, the sister who was telling me my ex's affair was not true, got her comeuppance, and oh boy did I enjoy that. She told me in floods of tears that she had found out one day that her husband had been having an affair. She said "And the worst part about it Liam, was that nobody in my own family will believe me." What sweet irony that was.

3.) Increased hostility

And so we come to sign number three, hostility, or an increase in the levels of hostility.

From the very start of my relationship with my second ex she had shown disturbing signs of unjustified hostility towards me. At the time I stupidly put that down to her latin temperament and the fact that she was under stress in a country not her own. And I reasoned with myself that once we were in her country she would be a lot more comfortable, more relaxed, and a lot less hostile. I could not have been more wrong.

Being back in her country empowered her to rule over me with an iron fist, way, way beyond the point of abuse. However, even in a more normal situation, unjustified hostility is always a warning sign that something not good is brewing.

My understanding of this element now is that a cheating partner is angry because they feel that it is all your fault that they were cheating. They feel that you were not fulfilling their needs, forcing them to seek fulfilment else where. "And since it has now been established that it was all your fault, you made me seek love/sex in the arms of another, then that not only merits my anger, you also have to be punished."

Now this way of thinking actually becomes a vicious circle. Because "If I punish and hurt you, well you made me do that too. And so now, I have to punish and hurt you some more, for making me punish and hurt you in the first place." And on it goes ad infinitum, until either you get out and make good your escape, or until you get seriously, physically hurt or killed even. And you brought it all down on yourself.

This is blame shifting for unacceptable behaviour on a grand scale.And sadly, it is something that is almost impossible to correct. A life time of professional therapy is what is needed here, and that is still not guaranteed to work. That way of thinking can be so ingrained from an early age that it can prove to be totally impossible to correct. So, the only remedy in that case is to get out fast, and stay out.

So, at what point do you get out of an unhealthy relationship?Well I clearly left it too late and made excuses for my ex's behaviour. Now, I believe that there is no excuse ever. So the best time to get out is as soon as they make one false move. If you stay it is only going to get worse. And the longer you stay in that relationship, the worse it gets, the higher the price you will pay further down the line.