What Every Divorced Mother Should Know

From bitter experience I know only too well what parental alienation is all about. Two acrimonious divorces, four children, estranged from all four. I know what the effect has been on me, lord only knows what the effect has been on my children.

"What Is Parental Alienation. Parental alienation is the act of one parent attempting to turn the child or children against the child’s other parent through manipulation, criticism, or other negative behaviors without reasonable justification." Quote taken from.....

Parenting For Brain

https://www.parentingforbrain.com › Parenting

You can also find out more on this touchy subject by reading Wiki.

Let me make one thing crystal clear right here at the start. The act of Parental Alienation, whichever way you slice it, IS an act of child abuse and in certain parts of the world is treated as a crime against the child as well as against the absent parent. So if you are a mother who alienates your child or children from their father, then you are a child abuser! What's more you are going to be the prime cause of lasting emotional and psychological damage to the child, or children, that you profess to love.

Before we go into my own personal experience, it might be worthwhile to take a quick look at what sort of behaviours might be reasonably and provably called Parental Alienation.

General badmouthing

Making the target parent appear dangerous or sick

Sharing the child custody case or child support issues with the child

Accusing the targeted parent of not loving the child

Defaming the targeted parent in front of the authorities

Restricting visitation or withholding contact information

Sharing parental conflict and marriage issues with the child

Making negative remarks about the targeted parent’s extended or new family

Intercepting calls and messages from the targeted parent

Hiding the child or moving away

Personally, I have suffered every single one of the above, some of which I have mentioned below.

One of the most common indications of parental alienation is restricting access to the absent parent, which due to the fact that as it is usually mothers who get custody, it follows that the parent victim is the father. And it may surprise you to know that it is a lot more prevalent than you would think.

Restricting access to children is done for a variety of reasons. It is in effect weaponising children to hurt the father, emotionally and psychologically. Now remember, like any weapon that is used, there is always some degree of damage to the actual weapon itself. Of course, the mothers in my case, like lots of women in a similar situation, will actually deny what they are doing or have done. That is because they know it is wrong.

Usually the mother will make up some reason to justify restricting access, such as the father is abusive to his children. And to make that false accusation stick, they will manipulate the children to back up that cock and bull story.

In my case, my first and second wife both restricted access to an appalling degree. Yet when I informed my first ex-wife about what was going on, she replied "Oh well, at least I never did any of that." Talk about denial.

In point of fact, both of my exes would rather trust our children to the devil himself than let me see them. I remember how soon after our separation my younger brother was going to get married and invited both me and my children to the wedding six months down the line. Yet when I mentioned it to my ex she claimed to have something already planned for that day, which was of course a blatant lie.

About two weeks before the wedding my mother rang my ex and repeated the invitation. My ex told her "Oh Anne, if only we had been told sooner, just this week we made plans for that day." This gave lie to my original invite almost six months before.

Eventually I took her to court, which she did not like one little bit. The second time I took her to court I asked the Judge to make my children wards of court. That means access will be legally enforced by dint of punishing any continuance of restriction of access. However.....

The Judge refused my request with the following rationale.

"Mr Emerson, a ward of court is not something we like to give out, and for one very good reason. If she continues to refuse access I have to punish her, either by sending her to jail or by penalising her with a fine. Each will have a negative impact on her ability to provide for the children. So I am sorry, but I have to say no. The law is well-intentioned in theory, however in practice it is unsuitable. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say."

And so, un-dealt with legally, my ex saw that as a green light to not only continue, but also to raise the stakes. During the normal working week my ex herself was unable to get home in time to collect the children from school. I offered to do that to help her but she steadfastly refused.

Instead she sent my children to an after school club run by a woman called Maria. So I went to that club and asked Maria if I could go inside and spend a little time with my children, and she gladly accepted my request.

A week later I went round to the club and was met by Maria refusing to open the door to let me in. She called out to me in a loud voice that my ex's instructions to her were that under no circumstance was I to be allowed any contact with my children. To say I was gutted to be refused access to my children by a relative stranger would not come anywhere near how I felt. It was all so unfair and cruel, to both the children as well as to me.

As time went on my ex would ask a friend, a lodger, a boyfriend or a neighbour to collect the children and hold on to them until she got home. This was a madness. I could have collected the children and taken them home for school homework and their evening meal in a more comfortable setting. But she was not interested in doing what was best for them, she wanted to hurt me and she was quite happy to stoop to using the children to do so.

Often times my ex would ask her elderly parents to collect the children. One day, out and about in town, I saw my children with their grandparents and went over just to say hello. My ex's father ran in front of me to bar me from getting anywhere near them and quickly dragged them away from me as if I was some sort of child molesterer. That hurt.

Years later, my eldest daughter told me something which revealed another aspect of what was going on. At their grand parents' home my ex mother in law asked my eldest daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up. My daughter told her she wanted to do performing arts. Her grandmother said in a disagreeable tone "Well I don't know why, a fat lot of good it has done your loser father."

In fact, I had had and continued to have for many years after, an excellent performing arts career which proved very beneficial financially.

In the end I bought a new house and met another woman and got married. And still my ex caused me problems, necessitating yet another visit to court, all to no avail.

In the end my ex was causing me so many problems with my ex that to survive and enjoy any degree of peace we fled the country to go and live in Spain. And as I wasn't being allowed access to my children anyway, apart from the very odd visit to my new house, I had nothing left to lose. In fact I reasoned that maybe, if we were lucky, I would be able to bring the children to Spain for a few weeks when they got old enough to travel alone.

Over the following years the contact with my children turned out to be sporadic to say the least. Then, one such visit to my home in Spain, one of my daughters spoke very disrespectfully to me calling me a perv in comparison to her saintly mother. Oh if only they knew the full story.

By this time I had been protecting my children from the truth behind our break up for some ten years. However, I felt goaded enough to give my daughters a telling off, telling them if anyone was bloody saintly it was me rather than their mother. That did not go down well at all. Maybe it's a female thing, I don't know. They sprang to her defence and and told me in no uncertain terms how I had made them feel. That was thirteen years ago and we have not spoken since. I have tried to build bridges, but they do not want to know and even refuse to give me their addresses to send birthday cards to.

In summary, not only has parental alienation taken place, but also at least one of my three children has suffered mental, or psychological problems which resulted in him being entered into a mental institute for a prolonged period of time.

And so to my second ex. Oh boy, she certainly raised the stakes. Almost as soon as we separated she went to the courts to seek an injunction against me, to legally bar me from going anywhere near her, on the basis that she felt threatened by my presence. Amazingly the courts just gave the injunction without any recourse to consulting with me, and that meant I could no longer go round to her house to collect my young son. Mission accomplished.

It took me three months to get the court to appoint a professional intermediary called The Meeting Point so that I could see my son. It cost me 40 euros a month, but it was worth it. However, even then she mis-behaved. One day she was very late bringing the boy, which was eating into my time with him. Anyway, he came running in to the reception area all out of breath saying that her car had broken down and so they had had to run all the way. Three miles! I did not believe that for one moment.

So when I went outside I had a look around all the side streets and there I found my ex's brother's car. My son admitted that that was how they had arrived. So I went right back in to report the lie and the centre were able to record it for possible future use in a court of law. They also impressed upon my son not to tell lies for his mother.

Another horrible thing she did was go to my son's school to tell them to erase my name from his school records or she would sue them. They told her to leave before they called the police.

Then it came to my son's baptism and his mother persuaded me to pay for his shoes and the after baptism party at her house, all the food and drink for every body, which included a very expensive Baptism cake. However, when I took the cake and I was invited in, her brother, drinking my beer and eating my food, began to insult me in front of all her immediate and extended family. I have no doubt she did not tell him that I had paid for everything, if anything she told them I refused and she'd had to pay for it. He shouted out loud with his mouth full "What are you doing here, you're not his father!" I just turned and left.

Eventually things settled down, to the point that we were able to leave the Meeting Point once and for all. And even better she allowed me to take the boy on holiday twice to England.

However, it was for all too short a time. In the end, late 2013, I think around about October or November, once again my ex started refusing me access. Once again I took her to court. I did apply for custody of the boy to avoid all the nonsense, but that was useless. In 98 percent of cases the mother gets custody.

At that very last court hearing I noticed two people, one man and one woman wearing a piece of headwear cancer sufferers use when their hair falls out. These two sat behind my ex and seemed to be making hand signs to her. I made a mental note of their appearance.

Come Spring the following year my ex pulled a master stroke, ably assisted by a corrupt solicitor. this legal eagle called me into his offices under false pretences claiming to be a free government funded intermediary expert.

The man offered me temporary custody of my son whilst his mother went to work in England for six months. I jumped at the chance and was told that in two days I could return to his office to sign papers.

Two days later the solicitor offered me a blank last page of the prepared document to sign. I refused to sign until I had shown the full document to my own solicitor and this animal refused. Then I asked to read it for myself and again he refused. So I refused to sign, at which point he became very angry and abusive towards me.

Some time later I got sight of the unsigned document they had entered into court and read it. The document actually stated that I accepted that my son did not love me nor I him and that I was happy to give up all contact for the rest of his life.

Not too long after this my ex fled the country and kidnapped my son. Then from some where in the UK she denounced me to the courts in Spain for abandonment of my son.

Of course I was appalled by this stitch up from a crook solicitor and reported him to the authorities. The man was immediately suspended from practicing law for three months. His revenge was to try to bill me for his time. I never paid the evil swine and so he got angry and whenever he saw me in the street he loudly insulted me.

My son was just thirteen when he was kidnapped in 2014. I waited in Spain for six years to hear from him, I never did and still haven't right up to present day in 2023, seen nor heard from him.

In total, my two divorces spanned 25 years, the second one involving fifteen years in courts of one sort or another. The woman cost me two cars, (one a brand new Volkswagen costing me 30,000 euros) two homes (one a brand new apartment worth 150,000 euros) three businesses and a grand total of a quarter of a million euros in debts, loss of earnings and the theft and malicious destruction of personal property.

I know for a fact that she has caused my son emotional and psychlogical damage. The poor boy went from a very affectionate, loving and open person to a very depressed, closed and fearful young man. Does his mother care? What do you think?

As for me, I suffered a stroke and a heart attack due to all the stress of her appalling behaviour. However.....

I am happy to report that I have made an excellent recovery, remarried to an amazing woman and moved lock stock and barrel to another continent on the other side of the world. With a cocktail of medical treatments and the loving care of my amazing, gem of a wife, I am good to go.

All I have left is my truth, which I write extensively about as therapy more than anything, my spirit which remains unbroken and an enormous bank of happy memories with my children, who I never expect to see ever again.

Finally, a word or two about my in laws. Both of my first ex's parents are now dead. Her father went first, followed by his over bearing wife. Despite his awful treatment of me, I did telephone him to commiserate on his terminal condition. The best he could do was abuse me even more with his lies and insults. As I suspected might happen, his insipid wife ended up in a vegetative state, mumbling ga ga ga ga goo, in a mental institute.

My second in laws were not to be honest anywhere near as bad. I was gutted at the loss of my ex's father, who treated me better than he did his own two sons. His wife is, as far as I know, still alive and really never bothered me too much, except for not allowing me and and her daughter some degree of privacy. I think privately they knew what a bloody nightmare their daughter was and more than once had to step in to stop her from stabbing her younger sister with a very big and sharp kitchen knife.