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Thoughts Moms Have About Having Sex During a Family Vacation

Once you have children, vacations alone with your spouse are rare, making sex on vacation nearly impossible. However, like all things in life, moms always find a way to make things happen.

By Jus L'amorePublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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Woohoo! You're on vacation. You booked. You saved. Your plane didn't crash. You and your entire family have arrived in paradise for the next 6 nights and 7 days. The sun is blazing, the water is clear, and even your grouchy kids seem to be genuinely excited and grateful. Obviously you aren't delirious and know there will be ups and downs, smiles and tears, and many lost hours of sleep, and of course there is no way in hell you're leaving this getaway without your husband begging for some action.

Sure, you've never been in this position before, but how hard can it be? In the fantastic mood you're in, anything is possible, even hot ass vacation sex! There has got to be a way to sneak off and do the dirty, right? Or perhaps you stand on the other side of the fence and despite your positive vibes and mission to have THE BEST TIME EVER you have already warned off your husband with a, "Oh hell no." I am not scarring my kids for life and explaining how and why daddy's outtie went into mommy's innie. Perhaps there will be other sorts of pleasure, but S.E.X. is out of the question.

In the end, whether you are pro-family vacation sex or anti-family vacation sex, most mothers can sympathize with each other either way. Here a few thoughts women have on having sex while on a family vacation.

Of course, now I'm horny.

It figures, get me cooped up in double queen one bedroom two thousand miles away and my libido wakes up from a very long and boring hibernation. I mean sure the sun, sand, and fresh air can make any lady feel a little less stressed and a lot more happy, but honestly, now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Don't get me wrong, the kids are still annoying me, but even capturing their few moments of pure vacation glee and rare sibling camaraderie, mixed with the flowing vodka sodas and my vagina is like a Las Vegas neon arrow sign reading, "OPEN FOR BUSINESS!" But seriously, now of all times? It couldn't have been when the kids slept out at grandma's house a few days before this trip or what about the last few weeks where one of our children hasn't been crammed between us in our bed at night? No, of course not.

And where is this supposed to happen?

Photo Courtesy of www.funkyjunk.com

OK, now I have to think and think hard because my options are limited. This can go many ways but chances are it's either going to be uncomfortable, dangerous, possibly illegal, or so nerve wracking that I'll never finish. Obviously, there is the bathroom, although at my age, that shit ain't as hot as it used to be. I suppose there is the balcony which can always be fun, but "indecent exposure" is not how I want my kids and I to remember our first Caribbean vacation. If any of you are thinking, duh, the other bed that the kids are not sleeping in, than honestly I just want to smack you because that's gross. On the beach? No. Put the kids in daycare? Maybe. Looks like it's bathroom or bust baby!

I have some Benedryl left over from the airplane.

Now of course the idea of the kids having a DEEP nights sleep has crossed our minds. We don't drug our kids, let us get this straight. However, on long airplane travels, especially during the night or while experiencing an allergic reaction, we do administer the correct dosage to assist in the knocking out of those little mofos. What???? Judge away, Judge Judies, because we are all just trying to survive. In this case, we are just trying to have sex, but call it what you want, the mood has struck, the stars have aligned, and after spending a few grand on this fantastic vacation, mommy and daddy want to enjoy a ride on the Scream Machine.

Is he serious? We walked for like 15 hours straight today.

photo courtesy of www.teamjimmyjoe.com

Now, there is always the flip side to these "Sex on Vacation (with the kids) Thoughts." The side that isn't always pretty. The I walked for 15 hours straight, played in the ocean and built 27 sandcastles, broke up more sibling wrestling matches than the WWE, the all I want to do is eat, sleep, and not see any of your faces for a solid 8 hours. I understand, you as a man, may have had a different recollection of the day as for half of those fights you were on the shitter and half of those sandcastles you were passed out from too much sun and Coronas, but as The Pointer Sister's once sang, "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen," well sweety I am sorry to say those sisters, they were pointing in the wrong direction, because tonight is NOT that night.

Come on dude, NOW YOU WANT TO BE ROMANTIC?!

Leave it to the husband to offer a spontaneous romantic gesture in the most sex-difficult setting. Rose petals on the pullout bed? Why because that bed is so much further than the children's bed which is now 12 feet away rather than 6? Please tell me you did not pack edible panties, please in the name of baby Jesus tell me you thought those were cool new fruit rollups for like a potty training incentive and you seriously didn't think you would be eating sticky sugar tape off of my vajeen. Oh, and thank you thank you thank you so much for the 60-minute massage which was glorious but then followed by me immediately having to watch all the kids while you go play golf for 6 hours. And when I say immediate I mean like I didn't even get to drink the goddamn free cucumber lemon water or wash the massage oil out of my hair. Swoon baby, total swoon!

If the kids wake up, I'm blaming it all on you.

Last but not least the most common thought during having sex on vacation while your kids are also in attendance is the act of getting caught. The fear of their little shocked and confused faces mixed with forever-tainted watering eyes. The life long issues that will result from their discovery. Heavy drinking, whore-like tendencies, maybe even drugs. All because you tried to have sex leaning over the hotel bathroom sink but those paper thin walls and shitty shower water pressure couldn't mask the sounds of man on woman. Man behind woman. You are mortified. You will buy them whatever they want tomorrow, you may even offer them a slap to your face just to erase the images they will surely never forget. And when it all boils down to, "Mommy, what's happening, why is daddy is slapping your butt and pulling your hair, naked," the only thought that comes to your selfish save-yourself-mom-mind is because, "Because daddy is a bad man, a very bad bad man"! Ha Ha Ha! I am just kidding... kind of.

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About the Creator

Jus L'amore

Sometimes offensive yet mostly sweet. Always honest and often vulgar. I'm a wife, MILF, and everyone's homey. From trends and sex to mom life and fitness, I tell it how it is and not how it should be.

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