Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who Doesn’t Have Kids

Everyone picks and chooses the milestones they’d like to experience throughout life, whether that be college, marriage, home ownership, or kids. However, somehow most people still expect you to do all of the above; and, when you don’t, are quite confused and concerned with things that, frankly, aren’t their business. Having children is a highly personal decision, and while some can keep quiet about it, others feel a strong urge to tell you exactly their thoughts on the matter, particularly when it comes to the issue of choosing to have or not have children. If the idea of not having a kid (or two or three) simply baffles you, then you’ve come to the right place; here are things you shouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t have kids, no matter how you know them or how you feel about the issue.

“I’m sorry.”

What exactly are you sorry for? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe some people are childfree by choice? That some couples make personal decisions to leave babies out of their lives and it has nothing to do with infertility issues? In fact, some could be totally fertile and choose to have an abortion, because they simply don’t want kids. That’s none of your business. It is widely believed that children are getting worse! The only thing you have to be sorry for is sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.

“Aren’t you afraid of dying alone?”

Just becoming a mother does not mean that you’ll end up with someone by your side constantly, taking care of you in your old age. What if your kid hates you? What if they die before you? What if they live on the other side of the country and conveniently miss your untimely death? What if they’re too caught up in their career to come take care of mom and dad in their old age? So, now that you breached one of the top things you shouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t have kids, areyou afraid of dying alone? Because the existence of your kid does not guarantee a comfortable death.

“You’ll change your mind.”

How do you know my mind so well? Are you a fortune teller? Tell me the future, you witch! In all seriousness, this is one of the most serious things you shouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t have kids, because you frankly don’t know their situation. After all, what if they are dealing with unexplained infertility, and there’s no mind to change? Maybe they desperately want kids and just don’t have them yet. You’re making a grave assumption. On the other hand, what if they simply hate kids? Then they probably shouldn’t change their mind, because they could very well be a bad parent.

“You must have so much free time.”

Yes, because children are the only worthwhile thing that could ever take up free time. Please don’t discount the hard work and stressors that other people have in their lives just because they don’t have a kid. It’s not like child-free couples are spending all their non-working hours on the golf course, at the spa, or jetting around the world. While, yes, it can be pretty nice to just worry about yourself and not some screaming infant on the weekends, it’s likely your child-free friends or acquaintances are filling their time with useful, and potentially stressful activities, such as their careers, caring for an ailing parent, or something else equally important.

“You’re being selfish.”

Or maybe you’re being selfish by bringing someone into the world while giving no thought to the state of the current world just because you’re afraid of dying alone, are bored, or really want someone to carry on your name. If you’re ever having a child for personal reasons, and not because you feel you can truly give that child everything, then you, parents, are the selfish ones. This is one of the top things you shouldn't say to someone who doesn’t have kids because you’re attacking their character due to your basis against their personal decisions. Rude.

“Don’t your parents want grandkids?”

Why would someone base their major life decisions around what their parents want? Why would good parents force their kids into life-altering decisions just because they want the fleeting joys of grandparenthood? That sounds like a very bad parent-child relationship, and goes back to selfish parenting.

“You don’t know real love until you have a kid.”

Again, you’re assuming things about someone’s life, someone’s relationships, and someone’s supposed parenting abilities. There’s no scientific reasoning that states “real love” only occurs when a child is born. There are plenty of parents out there who don’t love their children, who hate them or regret them. Children do not equal love, and when you put it that way, doesn’t it sound a little foolish? Save yourself from looking idiotic by just not saying this—one of the top things you shouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t have kids.

“Your marriage won’t last without kids.”

Before two people get married, they should always, always discuss kids first. Yes, if one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, then you’re in for a rocky marriage. You might even break up over it. At best, one of you will likely have regrets and resentments. However, it’s not up to you, a stranger or an acquaintance, to assume that two people haven’t had this very important conversation, or the state of someone else’s marriage at all.

“But you’re missing the miracle of childbirth!”

Are you aware of the definition of a “miracle?” Babies are born every minute of every day, and billions of people have given birth over the course of humanity. Childbirth is the furthest thing from a miracle. In fact, childbirth is not only mundane, but also traumatic and dangerous. Grab a dictionary, educate yourself on the meaning of the word “miracle,” and then stop saying this item in the long list of really important things not to say to someone who doesn’t have kids.

“Well, nothing compares to the joy of having a child.”

Yes, Carol, because that’s why you complain about your kid at work, for hours, every single day. It’s why parents post on social media endlessly about how they can’t wait until their kids go back to school, about how they hate summer break because their kids are always around, about all the crazy and horrible stuff their kids do. It’s why your kids have destroyed your house, body, and bank account. Sounds like you’re usually rather jealous of those who are childfree by choice—that is, until you need to feel better about yourself, in which case you break out one of those top things not to say to someone who doesn’t have kids.