things I wish I knew before getting married

It's been about a year since I said 'I do' . At least I think I've said that, honestly I don't remember saying that. It was a crazy day and I feel like I blacked out for that part. Not because I was drunk or anything... just because it was really weird. Standing there, having people watch you and trying to focus on that one guy but also looking around and thinking "how do people look so in love while doing this?". It was weird, that's all.

Maybe you had this magical wedding that was the best day of your life. Maybe all of your friends and family were there and now you look at the pictures and smile each time. Maybe your relationship is still perfect and you fall in love with each other more and more every single day. Well, if you're reading this and thinking 'yes, that's me!' then you're lucky. Most people? Not the case.

My wedding was chaotic and absolutely crazy, just like our relationship. First of all, it was cancelled due to COVID. Then spontaneously we decided to still get married but everything was shutting down so we ended up driving to the closest National Park and getting married on the side of the road. It was incredibly windy so my vail was falling off most of the time, there were only like 7 people who were able to make it and afterwards we got pizza but since dining-in was not an option we ate it outside in the parking lot. FUN.

The year after that we had another take on having that perfect day. We used our wedding venue deposit to organize a classy and chic getaway with some of our friends. The venue provided us with an open bar and loads of food. It was supposed to be PERFECT. I hired a photographer and I had planned everything. This time we ended up being super late. My lovely husband was still getting his dress shoes at Macy's at 11AM that morning and I missed my hair appointment because I was mad at him and also had to finish my final paper draft for college.

See, when my husband proposed I thought being married in our early twenties would be so fun! We'd be this hot couple, forever cute and in love and everyone would be jealous of what we had. Well, it kind of turned out that way. What I can tell you for sure is that our marriage is nothing like I imagined and I really wish people warned me. Okay, they tried to but I didn't listen. That's why I came up with a list of a few things that I wish I knew before I got married at the age of 23.

1. Personal Space is Everything

You might think you want to spend all your free time with your loved one but believe me, you don't. At some pint everyone needs their 'me time'. However, guess what! Once you're married the marvelous 'me time' is a luxury not a right! Every relationship is different. Some people get loads of time on their own while these days with COVID and working form home some of us don't get that time at all. While I thought I could never get tired of spending all day with my boyfriend and then husband at some point we ran out of movies we both liked and moved on to things that we could do only separately. These days, I cherish my 'me time' like a good bottle of cheap wine with some chocolate cake. While living in a studio apartment there's really no privacy unless I'm in a bathroom or closet. Every time my husband leaves for work I get some good food and start one of my favorite shows. It's a routine I developed in order to make my 'me time' special. Then he comes back and starts asking me questions, wants me to make him dinner and needs to be cuddled (rolling me eyes). So when you decide to marry someone and cannot afford at least a 2 bedroom apartment, be prepared to at some point start missing the times when you were single and your bedroom was your and yours only!

2. Money Matters

Financial stability is highly underrated. I know, you want to say that you'd never marry someone for their money. Being young and poor together is the most beautiful and romantic thing ever, blah blah blah. Believe me, I thought the same way but at some point I realized that I was done being poor and that being poor together with a person who has a ridiculously expensive appetite is even worse. My husband is a personal trainer and while I'm not a fast food eater myself, feeding him takes up most of our budget. Then there's this whole thing when I want to support his dreams and don't want to be the 'get yourself a real job' wife but sometimes I just wish he got a well paying job that he'd hate but at least we'd be able to afford a proper housing situation.

3. Sex Sex Sex

There is such a thing as too much sex. I don't know how about you but when we were dating we'd have sex every single time we hang out with each other. Since we hang out mostly one time on a week day and then on Saturday nights/ Sunday mornings only it always seemed like we couldn't get enough of each other. Then we moved in together and went into a routine of doing it every day or at least 5 days a week because I didn't want to be that girl who gets the guy and stops having sex with him. At some point I realized that when you start having sex all the time it stops being as fun as it used to be. There is nothing wrong with waiting a few days to keep up the spark. Sometimes it's better to cut down on sex to make every time you do it more 'special'. (or hot, or tender, or freaky, whatever you like!)

4. Keep up the Spark

We all know that being married my cause issues with 'keeping up the spark'. You know, if you live together and see each other every single day it's very easy to fall into a routine and forget about going on dates, doing little things for each other, being all cute, etc. Everyone has their own way to keep up the spark but if I have to be honest I have one favorite that always, with no fail gives me the effect of 'rose-tinted glasses' in my relationship. BEING AWAY from your loved one is awesome. Not only it gets you enough of your 'me time' but also makes you miss your second half and you end up appreciating what you were kind of fed up with. My husband is always very intense, makes jokes all the time, he's weird af and drives me crazy with his constant noises and singing and confusing comments. He's the definition of an obnoxious child. I love him but he's just too much. Still, as soon as I go away or even when I'm about to go away I start appreciating his sense of humor and when I look at his crazy behavior I see how cute his is acting like a 5 year old. By the time I come back, even if it's just after 24 hours: sex is great, we can't get enough of each other and everything feels kind of like we are dating again. Missing him is the best feeling ever because when we were dating I was missing him all the time, once we moved in I stopped missing and started getting tired of him. Being away makes me feel like we are back to being just two kids who are crazily in love with each other.

5. Grow Together, not Apart.

This is advice that my father in law gave to my husband and it was probably the best advice anyone could give us even if I didn't appreciate it that much in the beginning. The thing about getting married so young is that you still are growing up. You go to college, you go through different jobs, you're making new friends and well, usually you're poor so together you're trying to get financially stable. When my father in law told my husband that he should wait with getting married until he gets older and 'has his shit together' I was offended and thought he was being rude. I thought that being young and married and living through all of those changes together would be an amazing experience. Then realized that growing up is way harder when you need to include another person into all of your decisions. I had scholarship opportunities across the country, I wanted to travel and move to a new city, I wanted to foster another (3rd to be specific) dog in our studio apartment... All of those ideas were rejected by my husband. Of course he had every right to say no to moving to California since we can barely afford living in Virginia where rent is way cheaper, or to question my decision making when I adopted another pet that we were supposed to foster for only a month... but before I met my husband I traveled around the world, changed jobs whenever I wanted to and I never had to ask for permission. Meanwhile my priorities change and I want different things from life than I wanted a year ago. Now I understand that growing up is easier on your own. All those important life changing decisions that young people usually make are so much harder when there are two people involved. In the end we had to learn how to grow together. We had to see how we can compromise and prioritize ourselves without making the other one unhappy. It's probably the most difficult thing that I've had to do so far if it comes to marriage.

When my husband proposed I thought it would be incredibly 'sexy' to be young, hot and engaged. I had dresses for every occasion and loved saying 'fiancé'. I had this whole idea about being his wife and basically it all included being sexy and romantic. I wasn't realistic at all. Marriage is hard work and while everyone has told me that for some reason I thought we'd be different. We were not. Meanwhile, I have gotten used to my husband being an unorganized mess and I kind of embraced it. I realized we would never be that perfect couple who has perfect wedding pictures. Instead we will always be the people who are late to their own party. It's a learning process but once I realized we couldn't act the same way as when we were dating and that I had to learn to prioritize myself without hurting my husband's future... it does get easier! Every now and then we do sort of check-ins with each other asking questions like: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" or "What are your current life goals?". From that I noticed that the ideas about our future keep on changing and I think it's important to make sure we're on the same page and if we are not we can do something about it.

To anyone who plans on getting married young, I'd say that

"grow together, not apart"

was definitely the best marriage advice we've gotten so far. The other one is our little rule that in 98% cases we try to follow.

"Never go to bed angry"

Even if it drives you crazy and you don't want to let it go... when you are fighting and are about to fall asleep... just touch their hand and say: 'I love you. Goodnight'. You might think it's stupid but it makes all the difference!