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Things I Have Learned in My Eight Months as a Father

by James Howell 4 years ago in advice

How I Managed to Survive My First Eight Months as a Father

Being a father has been one of the most wonderful and educational experiences of my life. I have learned so much in eight months and am continuing to learn. I thought that I would share some of my insights and observations with the world.

If it's there, it's interesting.

If it's in front of them, it's edible to them. That includes you and animals.

At this age, fancy educational toys aren't important. While it's important to start early, we have so many toys. Yet he would rather play with the box it came in.

While it sounds obvious, forget about sleep. Everyone told me this. I never realized how true it is. I'm an insomniac, and I am usually asleep before he is.

Your social life now revolves around the child. It used to be “let me see what I am doing first.” It's now “let me see if I can find a babysitter,” or seeing there is a Dr.'s appointment scheduled for that day.

Laying their head on your shoulder now comes few and far in between. Now when they do, it's usually accompanied by a raspberry or a fart.

If you blink, they will be in the next room eating something off the floor and getting ready to pull something off on their head.

Diapering an eight-month-old should be an Olympic sport.

The first couple of nights, you will be up worrying while they sleep soundly.

They won't break. With that being said, learn to panic with a soothing voice.

There is no silence, only the wheels on the bus go round and round. If you want silence, become a mortician.

If it is yours, it is now theirs, no matter how many times you say no.

If you don't want them to touch it, put it up high, out of sight, in a vault underground covered in concrete.

You aren't a parent until you've tripped over at least three toys and look like Cosmo Kramer trying to regain your balance.

You will be pooped and peed on, at least three times a piece. Eventually, you don't even care.

The world is their jungle gym.

They are the equivalent of tiny drunks—they will fall. ALOT.

They have no fear. It's all ingrained in you. The first time they fall, you will see what I mean as soon as you pick them up.

Everything is hilarious at this age, no matter how much it hurts or frustrates you.

Get used to wearing drool and milk.

If you use powdered formula, your house will look like Scarface's mansion.

You will know pain when you purchase formula only to spill it in the floor.

Books are great. Books they can chew on without destroying them are even better.

Their tastes in music and books depends on you. Open them up to lots of different genres.

When you are trying to do anything, you will have to stop at least eight times to see what they are doing, and what they just stuck in their mouths right before you caught them.

When you bring them home, they seem to automatically turn one. When they turn one, they seem to turn 18. Time flies when you're having fun.

The biggest things to remember are that humor and patience can get you through anything you will go through with an infant. Utilize these skills, and love on your child as much as possible. If you can do these things, you will survive and raise an awesome child.


James Howell

Father, activist, man in black...

Read next: The Frozen Pond of my Heart

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