The Stars among us

The loss of a child is heartbreaking. I know so many people that have lost in miscarriage and even though its common its still terrifying. Was my body not ready for a baby, is there something wrong with me. Even though it happens 15 out of every 100 pregnancies you still feel alone. Even though there are 14 other women out there that have lost a baby you still feel like its just you. I've been though two miscarriages' in my life but those didn't hurt me as much as the loss of my little Star. Unlike most I was able to hold her in my arms and watch as she made her first and last breath.

I remember the exact day it happened Stephen and I were so happy for our bundle of joy in our marriage. We spent months planning for this very moment. I took my prenatal and, ate all the right food..... I even went to those stupid mother groups that everyone tells you to go to. None of it could prepare me for the moment after when they declared my little girl deceased. After the very moment she was born the doctor knew she wasn't going to make it but he still let me hold her in my arms until she was gone. Looking at her made me so happy until she was gone. After that day Stephen and I haven't had such a good marriage he started going numb to me and I knew why for the same reason I am numb to myself. Stars passing was my fault even if my therapist told me it happens and the doctors told me the same thing. I still feel like it was my fault.

I still have all of Stars furniture I know I should of gotten ride of it after she passed but I just can't I mean its only be 2 months sense she passed. I was told its weird to keep my passed child's belongings but if I did get ride of them the reality would finally kick in. She's gone nothing can change that but I need time to grief her in my own way. I was taught in school that there were 5 stages of grief Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Apparently I was still in the first stage. I swear in the mornings sometimes I hear a little baby girl cry funny how your brain plays such sick games like that on you. I never even heard her cry but I swear those screams are hers. My therapist recommended a grief group. I knew they were a thing in school I went to one in High school after my mom passed away. I also went to a grief camp thing called Camp Erin but I never really considered going for my child.

I ended going to one session to see if I like it or to see if it helped I mean if my therapist said it will help then why not give it the old college try. Well long story short it was terrifying not in the sense that it was scary but more in the sense that I don't know how to talk about my feelings to other broken people who are going through the same thing. I guess not exactly the same thing some of them have lost their parents, friends, or almost themselves, I lost my d*mn child. It was hard to watch other people try to attempt to hold back their tears while talking about their loved ones and when it became my turn I just froze. I didn't know what to say which I guess is normal your first time going to one of these groups but, I wasn't the kind of person to just freeze up like that. I mean my job literally involves public speaking so I know I didn't have stage fright but in that moment I just couldn't talk which terrified me even more.

After that group session was over I wanted to make sure I was okay due to the random freeze I did an inability to talk. I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment I thought just maybe there was something wrong with me that he could fix but he told me the same thing everyone else did. I always hate when everyone gives me the same answer and doesn't give me a reasonable way to help. Like oh you have depression here is a therapist that can go more into the problem and maybe he will be able to give you some medication to help but, this was not like that my doctor just looked me straight in the face and said "Look you just went though a very difficult loss maybe you should just listen at the next session instead of trying to be one the first to talk" That's it just advise not even good advise just listen. Listen to what everyone else tell their stories about how the person that meant most to them passed while I just look at them trying not to think about my own d*mn loss. I asked him if there was medication that he could just give me to make it all better and unfortunately he just looked at me with a grin and replied with" If there was I would be taking it myself, you are a professor so you talk to a bunch of young minded students and give them the knowledge to help them grow. I on the other hand have to talk about death to some of those young minded people". He was right. There was probably so many people out there that he has talked to about their life expectancy with while trying to not cry. I guess maybe I should try to keep other peoples stories in mind.

I ended up waiting a while before I went back to the grief group. I didn't want anyone to think I wasn't handling things correctly even though I wasn't. I don't know how to handle death even if it's someone else family member passing away I was never really good at it. It was like my brain was thinking of the right thing to say and my mouth just said whatever sounded like the most logical response for example 4 years ago before I was even pregnant with Star I had a work college that had gone through a similar thing no Jose child didn't die after birth but they did get in a horrible car crash where there was little to no way that they would make it out alive and when Jose found out he was devastated to the point where he was on the brink of tears and everyone was comforting him but I all my mouth would let me say was" well life goes on". After that comment Jose had a breakdown and ended up leaving early. everyone said my dumb*** response led to the breakdown which they were probably all correct I mean why would any actual human with emotions say something like that to someone who got the worse news known to man. Safe to say that I can't handle other people loosing someone they love but, why is it worse for me to try and at least attempt to look any other emotion other then anger.

I really don't seem to understand grief. I'm told my coping is not normal and not at all healthy but I just do better not talking about it. I really don't know why but it is what it is, Right? I just need Star. That is all that is known Star was the love of my life she was my everything even if it was only for an hour that I have known her. I mean I held her inside of me for 9 hole d**m month but she is gone. Her funeral is in another month and I really don't wanna go I know awful not to wanna go to my own daughters funeral but can anyone blame me no parent should ever have to do this. She is suppose to outlive me. I know now is not my time but there are times were I wish maybe if something happened I wouldn't stop it all I care about is seeing her one last time but that wont be for a while