The Smoke Jumper

Growing up was quite a challenge, I lived with my Mother and Sister mostly and my Father wasn't around after I had turned 8. Being at that age in the late nineties made me feel a little carefree and curious to which I need to thank my family for shielding me from the dangers of not just my surroundings but also my nightmares. However growing up through those times without a father made me feel rather empty at times. That was where my Grandparents stepped in and throughout the years, the combination of my Mom and my Grandparents helped guide me through some of the hardest times of my life.

Looking back, my Grandfather taught me a lot of lessons that I did not realize until late. When I was young he would take me to a local sub shop to grab food and talk to some of his buddies. He felt proud of me and wanted people to see it. It made me feel better about all the issues in my life at that time since I was dealing with my own PTSD and nightmares from my Father. Even now I still suffer from certain issues because of what I went through at a young age but thinking about my Grandfather, the sound of his voice or the grip in his hugs, a sense of comfort washes over me.

Now let me be clear my Mother did the best she could and due to all of the shit we went through at a young age, we have naturally become closer as a result. Back in the day, however, I was very confused and distraught. Many things did not make sense and I struggled through school, my teen years and early adulthood. This all sounds cliché I know but its the truth and I was a much different person in comparison to who I am now. Without my Grandparents, life would of been a lot darker.

A little backstory on my Grandparents, My Grandfather was the product of Italian immigrants that came through Ellis Island. My great Grandmother had come from the northern region of Italy and came here looking for a new life with her family. He was a huge fan of cars, and was a greaser in his younger years, although to be honest he couldn't let go of the pompadour. He had an older Brother and Sister and lived out most of his young life in the Union City/North Bergen area of Jersey.

In addition to his love of cars, he was extremely creative and loved his hobbies. He painted regularly and to this day, my Uncle has some of his paintings. He loved driving around town and taking in the sights. He was a collector and collected things like matchbox cars and other pop culture figurines. He also collected every HESS truck and made it a point to get that years truck up until they were discontinued. He had many different Disney collectables and really cool stainless steel batman figures. His basement was filled with interesting and cool things and as a kid, I loved it.

My Grandmother came from a big German family of 7 including my great grandparents and her 4 other siblings, oh and she is a twin by the way. My Grandmother used to run in a rough and tough gang called "Earths Angels" and had the nick name "Ace", which I have always loved. They met at a young age and by the time my Grandmother was 18 she had my Mother and at 21 she had my Uncle. My Grandmother was always very reserved and calm to the approach. Devoted to being a supportive Mother and it showed.

Shortly after my Mother and Uncle were born, my Grandfather became a Union City Fire Fighter and served as a such for close to 30 years until he retired In 1992 due to injuries suffered on the job which could of costed him his life. He was severely burned on the left side of his body but recovered from the injury's. Shortly after that he customized his license plate to say BURNT-92 in order to commemorate the experience. It received a lot of attention from our family and others around town but I know it meant something to him.

My Grandfather was a hero, no matter his short comings. Because of this, it made me more motivated to try and become successful even at a young age. Although much like I stated before, I wasn't the greatest student and I struggled. As I reflect on my actions and where I am today, I'd say I'm very lucky to have experienced all I have but that leads me to some major points of this story. How I feel I let my Family down, especially my Grandparents. Let me explain.

High school was a drag but it also was defining for me. I still have close friends from back then (both in school and home schooled) that I'm thankful for. During this time my Grandparents had decided to sell their house and move down to south Jersey which was about an hour and some change from where I had lived at the time. I didn't have a car yet at this time so seeing my Grandparents came a few times a year during holidays or birthdays. The adjustment to this was hard for me since I was so close to them, and being 15 or 16 at this time it made things challenging.

Now I know that at the time this was needed for them but I couldn't wrap my head around the move. My Grandmother had some reservations about leaving our home town but she knew where they were going was peaceful and far away from her crazy neighbors that had recently moved in next door. I will never forget the last time I had spoken to her and when I say she was seriously upset of leaving my Sister and I behind, I mean it. However from that point on phone calls and visits dwindled and it became a norm that to this day I am not comfortable with.

I lived at home with my mom until I was 23 and moved out in the summer of 2014. Thankfully it was a great time to get out on my own and with the job I had it made it easy to live a simple life. However deep down I knew I wanted more than just a basic job and I had this fire in me to be creative in some way. In the back of my head I always wanted to make my Family proud, it was a goal of mine to try and do something big and it still is. Life works in very mysterious ways and eventually I got absorbed into a very busy life of work and a toxic relationship (although I didn't see it as such at the time) and for the following 6 years, time wasn't on my side.

I would make work a focal point in order to make life a little easier and my time that I normally devoted to seeing family and friends dwindled. In fact up until 2016, I worked weekends and overtime as well as I tried to manage a long distance relationship with someone who was not serious about us. My mind was diverged from my goals and asperations and I found my self in a life distanced from everything I knew well and eventually my Grandparents and other members of my family suffered.

Even though I knew they would love me no matter what, I also knew that the time I had devoted to furthering my career was taking to much away from other important things. I had a lot of success at an early age but at the cost of everything else. By the time 2018 rolled around, I realized that there were issues going on with my Grandfather and with him being in his late 70's at this point, it could of been any number of issues. It was obvious however that he had dementia and it was progressing rather fast.

At this point I had made some terrible choices and moved up to northern Jersey following and attempt at furthering my relationship. This meant I was a lot further from my family and meant that it was rare that I would ever see them. I would think about them everyday and would try to think of ways to get myself out of the situation I was in but my heart and emotions got the best of me. I would occasionally visit my Grandparents but it wasn't as much as I would of liked. Before I knew it my Grandfather got worse and I had no idea what to do.

He was fighting to keep his drivers license and would get lost if my Grandmother wasn't with him while driving. He started to slur his speech and wouldn't make much sense while he talked. He would hold huge amounts of money on him for no reason and much, much more. It was clear that he was not in the right state of mind. My Uncle had attempted to speak with him about seeing a doctor but my Grandfather became frustrated at the suggestion and refused. He was scared and he knew something was wrong but didn't want help anymore.

As the pandemic hit, we were all forced to stay home and as a result I missed time to spend with my family. I still had to work so I was regularly going in but to avoid the possible spread, especially in his state, I did not visit my Grandparents. Midway through the summer of 2020 he got into a car accident with my Grandmother in the car. They were hit by a pickup truck and were flung into an embankment with a line of trees not far from their home. My Grandmother was alert and noticed that my Grandfather was out cold for a few minutes.

She got him to wake up and they seemed mostly ok however they were brought to the hospital to get check ups done. I don't think anyone was prepared for this and what came next. My Grandmother was released shortly after with bruises and some scratches, but my Grandfather would never leave the Hospital. The doctors said they examined his heart and noticed that there were blocked arteries and signs of a prior minor heart attack. He never complained about chest pains in the past nor any other symptoms so this was strange.

There were other complications that lead to him needing to be moved to a different facility in New York. Due to the Pandemic visiting hours were tough and specific so my Mother and I went out to see him. He was strapped up with tubes and wires and couldn't speak that loud. Although we did talk a little, all I managed to hear him say was "I love you " and "I'm proud of you". It was hard seeing him like that and it shouldn't of taken him being in the hospital for me to see him. I stayed with him for about 2 hours and held his hand. I cried and so did he and leaving him that day was extremely difficult.

A couple of days later he passed and it hit me hard in different ways. I'm not known to express my feelings all that well but this made me hurt so much that I tried to start talking about my feelings on it with my Sister and my Mother. I kept thinking about the times we had when I was younger. The fishing trips and trips into the sub shop for lunch. The hobbies we shared and holidays spent together. But what stood out most was this massive feeling of regret.

The feeling comes directly from the time I missed to see them. The time I wasted at work or in this terrible relationship could of been used to see my family or be in better company. The time is gone and I will never get that back and for that I will never forgive myself. When I talk to my Grandmother I can tell there is some resentment and my family seems pretty estranged. Things became darker and I knew it was partly due to me not being there enough.

The moral of this story is stick close to your family, learn from my mistake and make sure you are there for them. The times we shared on Christmas and other holidays, time spent after school as a kid, all the dangers he protected me from it all molded me as a person. I hope that one day I can make this up in my families eyes especially my Grandmothers point of view. All I can do now is work towards making them proud again and trying to be there for them. The load on my shoulders is heavy as I try to overcome this feeling.

Just remember that in life things happen that are out of our control. Time is fleeting, make the most of it before its out of your grasp. I lost a lot of important things and people recently that made me learn lessons the hard way. Take a note from me and be there for your family and friends, tell them you love them and spend that time preciously. Don't let anything get in your way of what's important. Life is unpredictable, and before you know it, it may be gone.