The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series

Starting Over - The Single Mothers Journey To Wholeness Article 1

“...I had so many stuffed feelings when I first got divorced that I felt like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

At the time of my separation I had no idea what it would take to raise four children on my own. So much had happened. I was still mourning the loss of my grandmother, who was a major support to me in raising my children while I was still married. After my grandma’s funeral, Don (my ex) left for good. I was angry, depressed, desperate, and tired—so very tired and scared. At that time I had a 13- year-old, a ten-year-old, an eight-year-old, and a two-year old. I was working as an outside sales rep, and I thought I was on the verge of having a nervous break- down.

Actually—and certainly not to my credit—this was my second divorce from my second husband. Little did I know that by the time everything was over, my ex would steal my car, my son and I would steal it back, and my mother would break her hip and give me one more person to take care of, along with my already challenging brood of four children...but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The children and I had moved into my mother’s side of a duplex we owned so that we could rent out the other side for extra income. Jasmine, my youngest, was in preschool; the two middle children, Shelbi eight, and Ryan ten, were in elementary school on a year-round schedule. My oldest son, Cheyne, was about to enter high school. The hot July desert only seemed to accentuate my situation.

In the midst of all this—as my life was plummeting around me—I met a woman who was the mother of a girl that Cheyne had met at a church concert up in Northern California. Her name was Dawn and she was to become my good friend and a rescuing angel who would help me out of many distressing situations during that time in my life.

Many of us have experienced the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. My experience came on the day that Dawn paged me to let me know my mother had broken her hip and I had to leave work and go to the hospital. By then, I was almost at my breaking point. Our entire income included a rental income of $700, $600 in child support, and a small paycheck from my job when I was able to go. This gave us barely enough to survive on, and we still had to make the mortgage payments. My mother lost her transcribing job because of her injury, and although she would be getting disability income sometime soon, that didn’t help us at the moment.

Dawn became a gift. She brought us groceries, brought my mom dinners when she couldn’t get up, and just generally helped me through the chaos that enveloped my life. I got on medication for the depression and anxiety attacks and went to support groups at Dawn’s church, where childcare was provided. The church became another comfortable haven. Despite all of this, one of my most difficult experiences was learning to accept help. I had always been so independent. I felt so inadequate and alone. My self-esteem spiraled downward to the point where I doubted everything about myself. How would this ever work out?

Without giving it much thought, I quit my job, filed for free healthcare and food stamps, and then I enrolled in school. Fortunately, this turned out well for me. While I was there, I learned about grants and took out some student loans, which helped financially. Shortly after that, I was recognized by the Soroptomists and Alumni for Excellence in Scholastic Achievement by Women in America. With the extra confidence this gave me, I became bold enough to apply for some scholarships and learned how to begin loving myself again.

Now, it’s your turn and you are starting over! If I can help you, as a single mom, to incorporate into your life any aspect of what I am about to share with you, I will be validated. Intentional or not, you are now a single mother and there is no turning back.

Many feelings will surface, now and in the future. Some of these can include fear, loneliness, guilt, and perhaps even a sense of hope. Fear can be one of the stronger emotions you will experience as a new single mother. This is true whether you are left with nothing, if you receive more than adequate monthly childcare payments, or even if you got a sizable alimony settlement. This fear may not only be stifling, but it can surface in many different ways. It can make us feel trapped, stop us in our tracks or, conversely, it can push us into the Super Mom syndrome. As newly single moms, many of us may deny that we are scared or we will not be able to recognize when fear shows up in our behavior patterns.

When fear is projected, it can affect your health or it can make you feel crazy. As if that isn’t enough, a sense of aloneness can permeate your very being, no matter what a stinker your ex was, or how badly he treated you. Some newly single mothers may ignore their loneliness and act as if everything is OK. They may mask their feelings by going out to nightspots or these days staying home to drink because of Covid-19 and drink to hide their feelings of loneliness. Some women I have spoken with have isolated themselves, vowing never to date again—or to even meet people. They put a shell around themselves for what they perceive as protection.

Well, if you weren’t depressed before you started this first article in this series, you are by now, right? To be honest, my purpose is to bring you out of depression, not into it, so please read on.

The first positive thing you can do is to acknowledge your feelings. After doing this as best you can, then you should look into what you can do to meet new people and find some healthy friends or acquaintances to talk things over with. This will allow you to be more adept in handling the loneliness, the depression, and the grief. Doing these things can also give you some support so you can get a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. At times, it may feel like these feelings are overtaking you and you feel trapped, but have faith in this process because time can be your ally, and it can be healing. Tell yourself daily, ‘this too shall pass’ and then one day—as you repeat this mantra and when you least expect it—you will find that many of the feelings have passed. You have probably been so busy and time has passed so quickly (even if some days seem endless) that before you know it and despite yourself, a transformation has taken place.

Sometimes, when we are still in a state of denial, some of us may find ourselves overeating, drinking, acting out sexually, or possibly just overworking. We may be stuck home because of losing our job and this can become magnified. Others may internalize their feelings, which can be equally as destructive. Stuffing or denying your feelings can result in these feelings either coming up much stronger or surfacing in other unhealthy ways. I had so many stuffed feelings when I first got divorced that I felt like a Thanksgiving turkey. No matter which you do—overreact or stuff your feelings—you will be forced to deal with these emotions eventually. When children are involved and need your care and attention, emotions can manifest as resentment, no matter how much you love your kids. You may be finding it scary to care for them on your own. If so, grit your teeth and whenever you can, take a moment and let your love shine through to them. It is OK for the children to be aware of your frustrations as long as they know they are loved and it is not their fault.

During the first weeks and months after losing the other parent through divorce or separation, both you and your children will be upset and undoubtedly face many new challenges. Mental confusion, anxiety, crying, depression, illness, and a host of other symptoms may appear. This is one time in your life when it is normal to be abnormal. As mentioned earlier, in my case, because work and life were overwhelming me, I decided to go back to school. My anxiety attacks were so severe that my throat would feel like it was closing, and I could barely move. I had no energy. Being filled with anxiety and sapped of my energy and strength left me listless. I found though, that the more I spoke with other women in my situation, the more I found out anxiety and lack of energy seemed to be almost a given among newly single moms. It was almost like having a generic support group. Talking with them made me feel less alone in my situation and by listening to their stories, it also helped to pave a way for me to cope and teach my children how to cope.

Until you have arrived at this place of single motherhood you can’t imagine what is involved and how strong you will become. A situation might crop up that will show you that you are not weak, even when you feel stressed over the handling of whatever your current dilemma is. Somehow, you will resolve the problem and realize your strength. Even if you don’t resolve it right then, the feelings you have are perfectly normal and moreover, you already have survived, even if you don’t feel like it now. In later articles in this series, you will be shown ways to overcome negative backdrops—and how to thrive in your new skills and accomplishments.

After a divorce or separation, or any time there is a sense of loss, various stages of grief will take place. According to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, (who wrote extensively on near-death experiences) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, are the stages you will go through. Guilt is another often-overwhelming emotion you will have to wrestle with, especially concerning your children. You may not be the cause of the separation or divorce, but feelings of guilt and shame can still overtake you. Right after my breakup with my two- year-old daughter’s dad, she cried every night that her heart was broken. After my first divorce from the other three children’s dad, my oldest son who is now 36 shut down and was angry, and my other two got lost in the shuffle of the divorce. I felt like a rubber band that was about to snap or break. At different intervals I experienced the various stages of grief. Divorce is never fun!

Thank you Universe that I had some reprieve-like days at the beach with good friends, where I was able to experience laughter in the midst of my tears. There is something healing about the ocean and the sound of the pounding surf. One day at home, while I was baking cookies with Dawn, my oven caught fire. We threw some flour on the fire and just stood there and watched the flames loom up larger and larger. It felt like I was in a slow-motion movie. Finally, one of us got a grip and called the fire department. After it was all over, we laughed so hard we were crying. During times of trial it seems that the simplest, and sometimes even most bizarre things can by funny. A sense of humor can help immensely. There I was, alone with four kids, loud rock music, a messy house, a mother with a broken hip, no money, and my kitchen was on fire—so I took my laughter whenever and wherever I could find it.

One time, I took a trip out of town so that I could steal my car back from Don, my ex-husband. He had moved to Riverside California with his brother and I was still living in our duplex. I needed my car, which he had somehow managed to steal from our garage one night by using the spare key, so I decided to steal it back. I talked my oldest son, Cheyne, who was 15 by then, into coming with me to help keep watch. My mom (she could walk and drive by now) also came along to follow us back after I stole it. When we got to Riverside, I parked my mom’s car at the bottom of his brother’s street and we got out. We were quite a pair. Cheyne hammed it up in keeping with the situation. He was dressed in his camouflage gear, and hid behind a tree that he periodically peered around while humming the background music to Mission Impossible. Meanwhile, I scouted my brother- in-law’s house up the street. Lucky for us, the car was parked facing downhill. Cheyne and I spent two hours of watchful waiting, taking turns behind the tree, before things seemed still enough and we were brave enough to go up and steal the car. We unlocked the car, got in, put it in neutral, and let it coast down the hill before I started it and drove us home. My mom, who was still in her car, followed us home. Dysfunctional, maybe, but we got the car back and a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do. (Later I straightened this out with the court system. It was my car, after all).

Will you ever feel normal again? Will your children ever be OK? What could you have done to prevent this from happening? You may think that you are a very bad person who must have done something to deserve all this. You might also think that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or even sane enough to handle it all. I know. All of these are common emotions and feelings, but they are definitely not true. You are good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and yes—even sane enough.

This period of time may very well be the most difficult one in your life and, if this is the phase you are now in, take one moment at a time and realize again that the feelings will pass. If you have never felt crazy before, believe me now is the time that you might. Confusion and depression may be your companions, and for some, even suicidal thoughts can emerge during this time. Feelings of hopelessness and despair can appear and leave you feeling overwhelmed. I went through this phase and almost every newly single mom I have spoken with has gone through these negative emotions. As mentioned before, you are probably sane enough: However, if you are overwhelmed by any of these feelings, please don’t ignore them. Call your doctor, a counselor, or join a support group. There is no shame in getting help. These feelings should only be temporary and if getting help can diminish your anxiety or make it more tolerable, then by all means, do so. Remember, “This too shall pass!” This statement also holds true for feeling mentally unstable. You are not alone in these thoughts and again, if the feelings are unmanageable or even if they feel manageable but are severe, call your physician or a support source to get through it until the feelings pass or are at least tolerable.

You may be saying, “I don’t feel bad at all. I was miserable before and sure, this is hard, but I feel free for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful and alive.” Great! You’re not feeling like a victim and perhaps you have broken free from a long and hard relationship. Life looks good. You need to remain positive and keep your thoughts optimistic for your own well-being. You will eventually realize that mothers who are single have a responsibility that most two-parent families will not experience, so retain as much of your optimism as you can. After I had overcome some of my emotional garbage, I worked as an intern at the Desert Sands Unified School District counseling troubled teens and their parents. Many of the families were single-parent households and suppressed or overt anger was frequently involved. It was fulfilling to help them, and also reinforced my own personal goals for a healthy family.

Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or the CEO of a major corporation, rich, or struggling financially, you do have and will have more challenges than traditional families with both a father and a mother. One thing you will find is that you will play many roles for your children—that of a mother, a father, a provider, homemaker, care-person, cook, teacher, spiritual guide, mentor, playmate, and activity director, just to name a few. Even if you are fortunate enough to have support from family and friends, this is a personal journey and no one can make it for you. It is a journey of challenges, courage, and hope. To make this journey, you just need the proper tools and a road map so you can travel this path with love, hope, understanding, and compassion. You have a purpose. I believe there is a purpose in this for all of us who are single mothers. Our mission is to find it and have a balance of peace of mind in body and spirit so that we can keep not only ourselves, but also our families, intact through it all. I am sharing this story about my journey, so you—as a single mother—can see that anything is possible!

In the next article in the series we will discuss transitioning from merely surviving to actually thriving!

At the end of each article in this series you will find a Loving and Emotional Practice and Loving and Emotional Affirmation. These are not strenuous and draining, and can be done at your own pace.

Loving and Emotional Practice:

Think or write down ten feelings or situations that overwhelmed you at one time in your life but that you have dealt with and that have passed with time.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

This too shall pass.

These Articles are from a book I wrote in 2005 and are dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.