The parents of "seclusion" and their children.

Some time ago, the story of Una in the hit TV series "the psychologist" sparked a lot of discussion.

In the play, the girl has a series of "problem" behaviors, and her parents have been trying to hide the fact that their marriage has come to an end.

There are also many people who start to reflect while watching the show-- what does it mean for children that parents divorce but don't tell their children?

Source | Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio (ID:zqfxlgzs).

By Ding Lijing / tr. by Phil Newell.

Mr. J said he had seen Truman's World 32 times.

This is a film about lies and truth.

Truman, an orphan, has been placed on the largest Reality Show show in history since he was born.

Shops, streets, parks, beaches, neighbors, wives.

Even all the characters in the town and the whole town are fake.

Everything is set and surrounded by actors-of course, the hero Chumen knows nothing about it.

Truman's world is so absurd, and the end of the absurdity is so sad, as Mr. J experienced.

When did Mr. J feel the absurdity?

At the age of 17, he overheard a quarrel between his parents suppressing decibels in their bedroom: they had divorced five years ago, and if it were not for their children, they would have broken up with each other.

In other words: in a legal sense, five years after the dissolution of the relationship, his parents still live under the same roof, playing the role of husband and wife.

The 17-year-old Mr. J heard outside the door that his parents had been "hidden" for five years. After a few minutes, he walked out of the house in silence.

He wandered outside for three days with 20 yuan in his pocket.

Wherever he went, the world was far away from him, as if separated by a twisted light gray filter.

He felt angry in his heart?

Absurd?

Aggrieved?

Pain?

Helpless?

lonely?

Sad?

There seemed to be all of them, but it was only later that he was able to slowly distinguish them; in the first period of time, all he felt was boundless unreality and emptiness, and a mass of indescribable and indescribable objects. stuck between him and reality.

Like Mr. J's parents, some couples choose to hide the truth of their divorce and continue to live together and play husband and wife after the marriage ends.

For many of them, the reasons for seclusion are surprisingly the same: for the sake of children.

But as children, Mr. J doesn't think so.

Even in their feelings, the harm of seclusion has far exceeded the divorce of their parents.

What happens in the process when parents' conscious wishes and children's feelings are so misplaced?

The child's true feelings are not seen.

As teacher Zhang Cong mentioned at the beginning of "the symptoms of children is to protect the integrity of the family," children are far more aware of their parents' relationship than their parents think.

When a couple breaks up their marriage, they still pretend to be their husband and wife in the form of cohabitation.

Regardless of the parents' acting skills, in this complex and distorted process, no matter how young children are, they will be sensitive to subtle changes in relationships in the family.

The child's unconscious will capture the "wrong" of the parental relationship and the tension hidden behind the relationship.

However, under the script of hidden divorce, many children will choose to pretend to be clever to cater to their parents, regardless of whether their parents are tense or estranged.

And their inner feelings, such as: "what happened to Mom and Dad?"

They look strange. Are they hiding something from me?

Is there something wrong with their marriage?

What should I do? "

These doubts, unease, and fears like this are hard to express.

When these emotions continue to be hidden, the child will slowly avoid or even deny their true feelings, because the "hidden" family that refuses to present the truth will also refuse to see the true part of the child.

"everything for the children."

It may cause the child's guilt.

A considerable number of parents who choose to stay away for similar reasons: for the sake of their children.

Let's not talk about the underlying motivation behind "for the child" for a while, but "for the child" itself may be a pair of shackles that can successfully create a child's guilt towards his parents.

When parents attribute such important life choices and lifestyles to a principle of "for their children", it implies that parents have sacrificed too much for him, and he needs to take some responsibility for his parents' lives.

For children, this is an unbearable burden.

For example, some children will feel very guilty after discovering the truth of their parents' hidden divorce, thinking that they have dragged down their parents, that their parents' concealment for many years is caused by themselves, and that they have hindered their parents' pursuit of their happy life.

It is not difficult to imagine how heavy a child's pace will be when he is burdened with too many burdens that do not belong to him.

Children bear the fragility of parents who "cannot be separated".

Many reclusive parents will think that their children are too fragile to bear the pain of family breakup.

But perhaps it is the parents themselves who can't face the separation.

When the marriage comes to an end and the partnership ends, it may activate people's inner anxiety about separation.

If this part of anxiety cannot be properly placed, accommodated, and digested, it is likely to be expressed in other ways.

"seclusion" may also be one of the "other ways": by playing husband and wife, people do not have to face the real rupture, separation and loss of the relationship, which implies the "denial" of separation.

Those parents who choose to divorce may be unable to face their own "separation can not", they leave their own feelings of weakness and powerlessness to their children-it is the children (not the parents) who cannot bear the pain of separation.

In this sense, children are helping their parents bear the vulnerability of their parents who are unwilling to face separation.

On the one hand, out of children's love for their parents, children will take the initiative to catch the projection thrown by their parents to cooperate with their parents' performance, but on the other hand, deep down, they will also feel that they have been