The One Where Monique Feels "The Fear"

It’s time for me to strike out on my own. This time will be different though because I won’t be able to come back. It’s so strange that this place that was only ever supposed to be a temporary pit stop has become the most constant thing in my life.

When I was younger we moved around, a lot. We never spent more than a year or two in a house, always dreaming and talking about the “next one.” Until we landed here, this was supposed to be a two year maximum deal. Buy it for cheap, increase the equity through extensive renovations and then sell it to buy our “forever home.” 20 years later and we are still here dreaming of “forever” not realising that forever was right in front of us the whole time.

So how do you say goodbye to that place that kept watch over you for so long? How do you say goodbye to all the ghosts that still wander around this place? So many people and memories that only exist in this space. This is the place that watched me grow-up, the place that knows me better than anybody ever will. This place that we built and made our own. Our Home.

When I think about leaving I feel guilty; guilty that I am abandoning the people who lived here and the memories that they created together. So much happened here in this place both good and bad that shaped me into the person that I am today. The sleepovers and days spent splashing in the pool, mattress surfing down the stairs and the Monopoly marathons that went for days on end. Countless family gatherings, BBQ’s, Christmases and Birthdays, any excuse just to be together. The countless fights and flared tempers with no sign of surrender. The overjoyed hellos and the inevitable, soul crushing goodbyes. This is where I was moulded, shaped and hardened. This is where I became “me.”

The thought of leaving all of this behind is terrifying so maybe it would be better if I just stayed put. But if I am being completely honest though, the ghosts wouldn’t like it if I stayed. They spent their afternoons looking out the window at the world beyond and imagining what they would find when it was finally their turn to fly away. They spent their nights plotting and whispering to the walls about how they would escape, with nothing but their favourite stuffed bunny and the dogs, to follow their dreams. Countless hours imagining the new “forever” that they would create for themselves and this is most definitely not it. So I owe it to them to do the one thing that they can’t. I owe it to them to at least go out and try.

I thought that by leaving this place that I was abandoning myself, but in reality I am actually embracing me and the bright-eyed girl that I lost. I will never forget this place or the people that lived here. And I will be forever grateful to the four walls that kept quiet watch over us for so long; our little piece of “forever.” But I think it’s time. Time to fly away and see what the big bad world has in store for me. I know it won’t be easy, but it’s time to feel “the fear” and see what kind of person I am truely meant to be.

So I’m leaving armed with my favourite stuffed bunny, blasting Taylor Swift’s “Fearless” at full volume. What happens next is anyone’s guess, but I know that it’s going to be amazing.