The Never-Ending Pain That Comes With Having Parents

Hello everyone, I hope that you're well. I would like to reiterate that I am not saying that having parents is a bad thing. I love my parents dearly and I honestly don't know what I would do without them. However, there is a lot of emotional pain that comes with having parents.

I figured we would start off simple and work up to the harder stuff. If you have great parents, like I do, then you may have noticed the over-protectiveness. Now, this isn't necessarily painful, more just annoying and, well, you probably know how it feels to have over-protective parents. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that my parents care so much about me that they need to know that I am okay whenever I go out without them, meaning that I have to text them whenever I arrive at my destination and text them a few extra times to reassure them whilst I am out to let them know I am okay, depending on how long I am out for. I love it, really. And given what is going on in the world at the moment I am not surprised that they have this need to know that their children are okay whenever they are not with them. I understand.

However, having to text them constantly when I go out is annoying, no matter how much I understand why they need me to. Their over-protectiveness is at many times annoying and no matter how much I love them, and know that they love me and that is why they need me to do this, it's just annoying and a lot of other things. On to the slightly more painful side of this. It sometimes feels like they don't trust me when I go out, and that might be why they need me to text them every so often, because they don't trust me. And that hurts. I want them to trust me enough for them not to need to know that I am okay. I mean, if I'm not okay I am going to let them know. Does anyone understand what I am talking about?

Another pain of having parents is wondering when they are going to die. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want my parents to die. But they are going to die, at some point. And statistically speaking they are going to die before I do, because they are older than I am. The thing is that I don't know when that is going to happen, and that is both painful and scary—terrifying even. One day I could wake up and they won't be here. Anything could happen. They could die at any time. And I don't know when. And one day I will probably have to arrange their funerals and learn to live without them in my life.

Will it be before my dad can walk me down the aisle at my wedding? Will it be before my mum can hold my hand as I give birth to my children? Will it be after those things? Will they get to spend time with their grandchildren? Will it be when they are old and grey?

Who knows?

What will they die from? Cancer? Old age? Some other disease? Car crash?

Who knows?

Those thoughts are painful—Imagining life without my parents in it. Wondering when that chapter of my life is going to begin.

The next question is when am I going to die? Because I could very well die before my parents do. Not that I want to, of course. But I imagine how much pain I would be in if one of my future children were to die before I did, when they had their whole life ahead of them. Then I wonder if that is the pain that my parents would feel if I were to die before they do. And that thought hurts because I don't want my parents to feel that kind of pain.

And I wonder if the way I die will hurt them in different ways. I mean, if I died painlessly in my sleep from some illness we didn't know I had, would that be less painful than me being diagnosed with cancer and them having to watch me get more ill and get all of those horrible treatments only for them to sit by my bed and watch me die? Or would it hurt the same? I mean, with situation one I died without pain, so that is a "good" way to die, right? But with situation two, I was ill and in pain, and they had to watch me die with no possible way of helping me. So would that be more painful for them? Knowing that I was ill and in pain, and actually having to watch me die?

That is painful. I mean, my parents have already had to watch me suffer through multiple, non lethal, health conditions which have caused me varying degrees of pain. If that was painful for them, then wondering how painful it would be for them to watch me go through even more pain just to die and them not being able to help me. That is painful. For them if the situation come to pass. But also for me because I am sat here wondering when I am going to die and what I am going to die of so that I don't cause my parents too much pain.

This pain that comes with having parents is never ending. The general annoyance and fear of not being trusted is slightly painful. But the fear of them dying, or me dying, is even worse. I do not fear death, in whatever form it may come, because it is inevitable and I might as well get used to the fact that I will die some day. There is no point in fearing something that is inevitable. But I fear my parents dying before me because then I won't have them in my life, and I can't even begin to imagine the day that they are not here anymore. I also fear myself dying before them because I don't want to cause them, or my siblings and other family members for that matter, that pain. And I believe that this pain and fear will be within me until the day that I die.

Sorry for the morbid topic but I wanted to share my thoughts with you because they have been haunting me for a while and I needed to get them off my chest. I love my parents dearly and I remember to tell them that at least once a day. I hope that you do that too, because most parents out there deserve to know how good they are, and how loved they are. I wish you all the best in your life.