The Mother I am Becoming

I've never heard my mother tell me that she's proud of me.

Instead, I've gotten things that have always made me feel like my choices didn't matter. Like my life wasn't my own and every decision or choice that I made had to be run by her. I don't know whether it was a desire or her being my mother, but the need to control how I choose to live my life became a problem. I hated it. And yet, despite all of that, there's still a part of me that is aching to hear those words from her.

I think hearing those words from her now, I can honestly say it would probably make me cry. It would make the little girl in me feel seen. I know that nothing could erase how I've always felt, but it would be kind of a healing moment. The little kid in me would be ecstatic to know that she cared enough to tell me that what I wanted mattered. That my goals mattered. That no matter what happens, or what I accomplish in life, my mom was proud.

From my first pregnancy to now, I never got the support I needed, and part of me couldn't completely enjoy it. While everyone else's first experiences were different with their mothers, when I first got pregnant, I felt trapped. I was every bit of happy about experiencing the steps of motherhood, but my mom didn't think that I was ready. She didn't think that I could do it. But when is anyone ready to be a mother? It doesn't come with a rule book.

Being a mother isn't something that anyone is perfect at. Every day, it's like we are learning as we go. There is nothing better than a mother who shows up and strives to build a better life for her child or children.

I've always thought that when I first became a mother my mom would be proud. I thought that she would want to throw me a baby shower. That she would help me prepare and make sure that my baby had everything he or she needed. I didn't get that. What I got was constant stress and her trying to keep me from my kid's father. Trying to keep him out of our child's life. Yeah, their father and I had our arguments, some I'm not proud of, but to know that your own mother didn't like the fact that you were becoming a mother yourself is heartbreaking. I don't want either of my kids to ever feel the way I felt.

I want them to see different. I want them to know that I will always stand ten toes behind them in everything they set out to do in life. I will be their biggest and number one supporter. I want my kids to know that mom will always love and support them no matter what.

Life has a way of trying to knock us down already, they don't need anyone dragging them down and making them feel as though they can't do it, they need someone to lift them up and remind them that they could. That no matter what life throws their way, mom is right there when they need her.

No judgement. No means of control. Just love.

When they are older and out on their own, I want them to always remember that mom never gave up on them. Any mother could bring up how much money they've spent, but if someone asks them what their mom was like, I want them to smile and proudly say that I was there. That I showed them love no matter the circumstances and I never gave up on giving them the life they deserved.

I want them to say that I strived and succeeded. I was and will always be in their corner rooting for them.

And if the little girl could speak now, she would say that she's very proud of the kind of mother we turned out to be. That instead of putting my doubts and insecurities on my kids, I chose different. I didn't sit around waiting for anyone's approval of the kind of mother that I wanted to be. I got up and thrived.

My kids will never know how it feels to have a mother who doesn't show excitement at their many achievements no matter how big or small. They will never feel that they have to work or try so hard to impress me. From the very beginning of their lives, I've been impressed with every moment made.

Their first smiles, the first time they ate solid foods, the first time they spoke. No little achievement ever went unnoticed.

And maybe, that's why I write. Me writing this was like writing a page in a diary. There are mothers out there just like me fighting and questioning whether wanting to hear their parent say something and wanting to not be the same way with their kid or kids is wrong. Well, it's not. We're all human, and no matter what happens to us in life, we have a choice in what WE choose to do. But never stop fighting and following your dreams.

That little girl who wanted to hear her mother tell her she's proud of her, she's still there. She is me, but because I want that, I will never stop being better for my children!