The Mom Who Is Always Yelling

Today is a bad day. Why am I yelling so much? Did I sleep enough? Does it make me a bad mom? Am I a bad mom...?

I yell so much lately that some nights my throat is raw from just trying to get my kids to stop hurting each other, me, or really just to listen. Excuses... that's all I see: my childhood maybe—it was rough, a lot more so than others; maybe it's just who I am—the mean mom who always yells at her kids....

Growing up, I lived in an old farm house and loved it because I could do so many things and yet I was isolated from so many people and wished so badly to have people near me, too. At least at that point, if there were people they could hear my dad and stop him from yelling and hurting us. At some point, we finally, together as a family, left my dad and made him leave for good. Now, raising my own children I have to stop and look at myself. Every outburst scares me as much as it does them. Having to punish them makes my insides cringe like they are parts of a childhood I once survived coming back to not only haunt me, but hurt my children, as well. I do understand that I cannot go without some form of punishment, and maybe spanking them once or so is better than screaming until I am heard and actually get other attention, but at the same time I feel as though that is also the wrong way to go. As you read this, you are probably thinking of possible punishments and ideas for getting them to listen or a parenting hack you might be able to advise me on... More than likely, I have seen it or tried it. I am normally a good parent and it takes a lot of them to push me over the boiling point, but at the same time, once I am past that point I am no longer the loving mommy they have come to know, but the monster they tend to try to avoid.

Here are things we have tried as punishment or corrections:

We do spank on occasion, but it normally has to be for something very bad.

Time-outs work, but only if you physically hold them in place, like making them sit on your lap. Although it's nice to be off your feet for five minutes, you still have a screaming toddler in your lap who is fighting you or having a meltdown. Time-outs on his own do not work either, because for twenty-plus minutes I am just continuously walking him back over and over again only to have him get up and resume playing or whatever he was doing at the time.

My sister-in-law told us once of hot pepper flakes. When she had some trouble with her kids back-talking or doing things like screaming or spitting, she made them put little red pepper flakes on their tongue for a minute. Harsh as it sounds, for us, it didn't work. My son ate it and asked for more!

Toys are all over the house. They were dropping them or purposefully throwing then throughout the house, emptying every bin on purpose... Well, I got tired of it and of them not listening when I asked them to pick them up, so I told my boys if they didn't pick them up, I would get a garbage bag. If they cared so little for these toys, then they didn't need them and I would throw them away or lock them somewhere they could not get to them until they learned how to pick up after themselves. This one actually worked! One day, after they emptied an entire bin of you building blocks and puzzles simply for the mess, I sat them down after several attempts to make them pick it up and told them that if they would not pick them up and I had to, then they would all go into the garbage. I did end up throwing the puzzles away because half of them were missing pieces or broken, but when they saw me physically picking up every piece and putting them into the trash, something clicked! Since that day, they have not dumped toys unless they mean to play with them and, on most occasions, they are picked up and put away.

There are so many more things, like time-outs in rooms or taking tv time or having them take naps early, that I have done, but still none have worked. And so I yell.

I yell because I am overhwlemed. I yell because I am upset and full of frustration, even anger. I yell because I am at my wit's end and have no relief in sight. I yell because I feel as if I am a hose with a clog in it and if I do not find relief, I will be done for and then I burst. After the burst, two things happen: I cry or I continue being a sour person. Sometimes, I cannot let those feelings go. They take over my very exsistence until I have a break or rest and can just breathe them away. Sometimes, talking to my husband or friend or someone who calls me can wash the yelling and bad mood away with a few small words. Otherwise, the only thing that can really wash them away is my own tears. I see a glimpse of my father yelling at me when I look into the mirror. Those times, I feel changed and go to my children for a hug and forgiveness, hoping beyond hope that they love me and will never see me like that again or remember a mommy who had turned into a monster.

So what have I learned? From trial and error and reading my own feelings, I am not my dad, for one. Though I see him sometimes, I am not him and have a full chance to be the complete opposite. My children still need discipline, but maybe one warning will be a change. If they still do not hear me, I can no longer raise my voice or save my frustration by taking things away for a while or some other form of punishment (I'd rather stick to timeouts then spanking). But if I take the frustration away, then I can take away the yelling, as well. Or, if it is short-lived, then it cannot continue to build until it bursts. But another thing I learned is I need to breath. I take a few minutes—which is the hardest thing in the world for a mom with two small boys to do—and just breath the tension away—maybe even meditate. It sounds ridiculous, but it helps some. Also, if you are like me and able to—I not only have wonderful friends and family (and husband) I can rely on—take time each week to help with all those feelings without the kids. A class or just going to the gym or running—whatever helps you sort those feelings out—is what will help you and me get past them.

Now excuse me while I go meditate. I have a lot of pent-up frustration today and need to breath for a while.