The Middle Child

The middle child.

Six years the younger brother, and two years the elder brother.

I feel immensive weight on my shoulders most days in the week. it feels like I am supposed to live up to someones expectation of me on both the older and younger side.

It feels like loved ones will often compare me to my siblings. It always felt as if I was supposed to be a better version of myself but I never thought that I had the opportunity to do so. I didn't really listen to anyone around me about how life is, or how it is "supposed to be".

In doing so I lost a lot of people who once claimed me as their friend. It was humbling and harrowing to watch people fall off and out of my life. It made me feel trapped, living in fear that I would never escape the prison of my mind. I never felt that I could go anywhere without this burden of self hate and disappointment.

I feel like I cant communicate with others my age in person because I keep myself hidden away from the world because of this fear of rejection in my heart.

I feel that I stand in a road with no clear destination, with just my eyes on the road, and my feet on the ground, I walk.

I must walk, to move forward. Finding my own path is something that I have always wanted. I never wanted to do anything that was handed too me. I knew what happened when people get too much when they are young. I watched my brothers do everything they were told with no questions asked and got everything that they asked for. It never felt like that for me, not for the middle child.

The middle child needed to ask why, why is it you need me to perform this task?

the middle child needed to know why, why does it hurt so much to see love lavished to my siblings but not to me, not in the way i needed.

the middle child needed to know why, why have I always felt inferior to my siblings, no one ever said i was, but i know this feeling plagues me day in and day out.

The middle child needs to know why, why must I hurt in this way, and why has it not stopped yet?

The middle child would like to have some answers.

-thank you for reading