The Loss That You Can’t Talk About

I would be 20 weeks pregnant with you right now. Half way through the pregnancy. Half way to meeting you. But I’m not. I’m not sporting a cute little baby bump. I’m not wearing my maternity jeans that I was so excited to wear. I’m not turning our guest room into a nursery. Because I’m not pregnant with you, anymore.

I found out I was pregnant with you the morning after your Dad and my house warming party. It was also your big sister’s birthday, but since your dad’s family hasn’t seen our new house yet we decided to make it a joint housewarming and first birthday party. I was too busy to pick up a glass of wine, and good thing I didn’t! My period wasn’t due for another couple of days, but I’m so impatient I wanted to take the test as early as I could!

It was around 8 AM when I heard your big sister waking up on the baby monitor. I get her out of her crib and into a new diaper before I decide to take a pregnancy test.

“Even if it’s negative, I won’t get upset. It’s only the first month we’re trying and it took us four months of trying to get your big sister.”

So I wait and wait as your big sister runs around and tries to open every single cabinet there is in the bathroom. Finally the test is done and I can’t believe my eyes! “PREGNANT”

I am overjoyed that I have another bundle of joy coming my way! I can’t wait to meet you and can’t wait to see Nola become a big sister! I quickly get a marker and write on your big sister’s onesie. “Promoted to big sister” I put her in her new shirt and go downstairs to surprise your dad. His face lit up when he read the shirt! We were going to become a family of four and we couldn’t be more excited!

Your big sister's first birthday was a couple days away and we were having your grandparents, aunt and uncle over for dinner. We decided to surprise everyone by putting your big sister in a special big sister shirt! After dinner and before we had birthday cake, I went upstairs to change your sister. It took a couple minutes for everyone to notice her new shirt. Once everyone noticed her shirt, there were screams and happy tears from everyone! We were all so excited to have you part of our family.

Before I found out I was pregnant I scheduled a doctor's appointment just for a regular check up. During my check up we found out I had an under active thyroid. Luckily, my obgyn is right next to my general physician so I went in right away to get put on a pregnancy safe thyroid medicine. I got my prescription and made an appointment for my eight week check up for your first ultrasound. In the weeks leading up to the ultrasound I felt different. During my first pregnancy with your sister, I had moments where I would feel cramps or weak and tired, but this time it was different. I suffer from horrible period cramps where it’s hard to even get up out of bed in the morning or to even stand up straight, and this is what i was feeling. I knew something wasn’t right, but everyone assured me cramping was normal.

Three weeks later I went in for what I thought would be my eight week check up. It turns out you were measuring only at seven weeks but had a strong heartbeat. Hearing that little heartbeat put my mind at ease, if only for a short time. My doctor wanted me to come back in two weeks just so we could confirm your due date.

Two weeks later I go to the doctors with your sister and grandma by my side. While I was so excited to be pregnant with you, I couldn’t help but feel a dark cloud hanging over my head. I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right. Laying on the doctors table, searching for your heartbeat I got the confirmation that I somehow already knew in my heart. I lost you.

I sat in the doctor's office and cried tears so much I thought the doctors office was going to flood. We set up surgery for the following Monday to have you removed since I hadn't miscarried naturally.

Since that day I have missed you enormously. I might have never met you, but I felt you in my heart and I’ll keep you with me forever.

Now I just found out I am pregnant again, and I can’t help but to be terrified. Terrified of the unknown that comes with pregnancy. Terrified I’ll lose this baby too. Terrified that I’ll lose the feeling that you’re still with me.

This could be my rainbow baby, but you weren’t my storm. I’ll forever be missing you.