The Hardest Goodbye

2017 has been a rollercoaster, full of "high on life moments" while also dragging a stick through the mud. My baggage behind me gets heavier and heavier. Burden upon burden is laid and all I can do is stand taller to keep my head above the clouds. However, September 8, 2017 was when my world was turned upside down.

The call from my dad came around 6pm that disastrous Friday evening. A voice of still calamity echoed in my ears, "Kelsi was in an accident." Heart pounding and throat pulsing, all I could ask is if she was okay. My deep-seated father and stronghold of my home began stuttering and sobbing. The answer was no. She suffered none and was gone. Just in the blink of an eye, my only sister was out of my life.

My family is like a complex puzzle that has been torn and detiorated with a few missing pieces. Nothing was perfect, but from the outside our picture was basically together. I had not spoken to my sister in a year. Regret fills me everyday that I didn't tell her I loved her everyday or repaid her for all the joy she gave me. Never again will I be able to do these things and it's up to me, to share the importance of sibling love. Embrace your loved ones and hold them close. Tomorrow is never promised, live everyday like it would be your last.

Anyone who knew Kelsi, knew she could make you laugh or give you a hug to brighten a once cloudy day. However, I wasn't just anyone. We shared secrets, fears, desires, even our bedroom was shared. Each side decorated to match our personalities. Our beds only feet apart. Night after night, small crumbled notes thrown back and forth and back and forth. The simple things is what I appreciate. I may never again get to pass another note to my sister, but I'm passing this to you: Appreciate every moment with her. Enjoy those long car rides to the beach. Scream One Direction lyrics at the top of your lungs. Cry and hold each other when nothing seems right. Laugh at that stupid horror movie. Reminisce on old memories. When we had no one, we always had each other. Through it all: stupid boy troubles, complaints about our annoying brothers, bitchy girls at school. You name it, we experienced it.

This goofy, bright-eyed girl was 16 years old when she was taken from me. God, how can You, such a mighty and great God, take such a shining soul from our lives? Was she struggling in such a way only You could save her? My faith above anything else has been tested through this. How could I believe in a God who could take a precious heart away from this Earth? A girl who put her whole life into Christ and her community, was stripped from this Earth after one fateful joy ride with neighborhood friends.

With every passing day and every experience, I feel guilt. All of the things I do that she never gets the chance. Summer love filled with kisses and warm nights. Walking the stage with diploma in hand. Move-in day at her first-pick college. Road trips. First paycheck. Or even the things she always dreamed of. We always talked about marrying the love of our lives and assuring our kids would be best friends. Children were always drawn to Kelsi. Whether it be the wild ones at vacation bible school or kids running around at 4th of July cookouts. She even took time out of her busy school day to play with special needs children, not many 16 year olds can say the same. I feel bad for the kids who never get to laugh at her silly jokes or goofy faces. Now, she only gets to live on in my kids' hearts through stories and photos.