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The Gift of Motherhood

A letter to my daughter

By Leslie PerkelPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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You were so perfect that you took my breath away. For months I had waited to meet you, knowing our time together would be brief. The nurses told me it would be easier if I didn't see you, if I bonded with you it would be more painful to say good-bye. That wasn't right for me though. I wanted every minute I had with you. There were so many things I wanted to tell you that I hadn't already said as you grew inside me.

But most importantly, I wanted to give you all the love I could for those three days, wrapping you in a bubble of love that would stay with you no matter what. And I wanted to feel the pain of saying good-bye. I wanted to never forget your tiny face and how you looked at me with eyes fresh from your birth, eyes that had not yet forgotten where you came from.

I wanted to reach that part of you, deep in your soul that would remember why you came and ask forgiveness for letting you go, and spoke out loud every good thing I hoped and prayed would be your life. And lastly, I told you I would always be waiting for you to find me, if that is what you wanted.

Our third day together neared its end as the first star of night appeared outside the hospital room window. I began to cry as I waited for the nurse to take you. Then I knew what I had to do. I could not let anyone take you from me. I needed to give you myself, with all of my heart. The nurse came in and I told her my request. She began to cry and hugged me. "Take another thirty minutes Leslie then we will watch for you" she gently said as she closed the door behind her.

The nurses had been so incredibly kind to me. The day before, the nurse supervisor had stopped in to see me as I was changing you and singing to you. "You will be a wonderful mother, are you sure this is what you want to do?" she asked. I remember answering her with tears in my eyes, "No, it isn't what I want to do. It's what I must do. It is what's best for her."

We spend our last thirty minutes together; then I tenderly placed you in the bassinet, put on my robe and slippers and slowly walked you down the hallway to the nursery. For every step there were a dozen tears. I held my head up high and released you to the care of the nurses and God.

Each step I walked away from you was harder than the one before. I stopped and almost went back at least three times that I can remember. Finally I made it to my room and curled up in a ball on the bed. I felt a wave of pain like nothing I had ever experienced before. The force of my grief reflected the depth of my love for you as I sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like hours. The nurses took turns checking on me and finally, gave me something to help me sleep.

Thirty-eight years later, I can still feel every emotion I experienced then, but giving you willingly was ultimately the smartest thing I could have done. The simple act of giving you physically was a powerful symbol of my determination and strength. It may have been easier emotionally to have never seen you, but I've never been known to take the easy way with anything.

In 2015, we were reunited. The joy in knowing you survived and thrived with loving parents was the moment I could let my deepest pain go. Sometimes I wonder though if we would have found each other without those three day I spent with you. I'd like to think that you carried that love of mine deep inside you and that it brought you back into my life. You are a mother yourself now, and I could not be more proud of the loving and responsible parent you are. Every good thing I prayed for you has happened in your life and more!

I became a mother again when it was the right time and raised a wonderful son whom I am so deeply proud of and love with all my heart. I am deeply grateful this Mother's Day for the fact that I made the right decisions for both of my children. They are both healthy, loving and good human beings, and even better, they each now have a sibling!

So now I wish you, my beautiful daughter, the happiest of Mother's Days along with the Mother who raised you and gave you all the things I couldn't. Without her and the Father who loved your, you would not have grown into the amazing person you are. Thank you for being part of my life again and making sure I stay part of yours. Thank you for making time for me to spend getting to know my granddaughters and son-in-law. And thank you most of all; for your generous heart and your undeniable love.

Happy Mother's Day my daughter,

Love, Eema

adoption
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About the Creator

Leslie Perkel

Hi there! Let me introduce myself. I am a singer/bard/writer/philosopher and a constant learner. I am excited about sharing some of my work with others and enjoying the creativity of my fellow artists, writers and musicians.

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