The End is the Beginning

It was not that she had planned extensively. No. She had simply reached the end. Staring pensively at the ice fragments, her breath caught at the beauty. The snow had all but melted leaving only a few dusty patches in shaded areas around the small pond. The longer days warmed the icy edges of the water creating an ever shrinking plate of glass in the center of the tiny lake. Curious, she wondered if it would support her weight.

It had never really been a lake. But she fondly remembered their childhood name for Grandma and Grandpa’s pond. “Crystal Lake” they called it, because of the shiny crystal-like rocks which could still be found all around her grandparent’s property.

Shivering, she sat down on the familiar log absently tossing tiny pebbles onto the ice. They sat, patiently waiting to break through when the thaw was complete. She smiled softly then, remembering the hundreds of times she had shed her clothing behind this very log and run screaming with her sisters into the water. In spring the water was always more clear and quite chilly. But that never stopped them. As the summer progressed the water became increasingly murky and they would laugh at the mud smear on each other’s faces upon exiting.

She was always the one to take the final swim each fall as the days shortened and the water chilled. One year she really pushed the boundary, running and plunging into the water while snowflakes swirling all around. It took her breath away and began to overtake all her senses within seconds. She forced herself to climb out, legs like solid clumps of ice. It was the first week of November and her mom was so mad. “You could have caught pneumonia,” she admonished. But grandma stuck up for her. “She’s hardy, Judith. It’s good for her. Let her push herself sometimes.” And mom backed off while grandma furiously rubbed the rough towel on her limbs encouraging the blood to return. She had barely been able to make the half mile back to the old doublewide where her grandparents had always lived. Collapsing on the orange shag carpet in the living room she shook uncontrollably for what seemed like hours. “Don’t do that again! I think you pushed it a bit too far this time.” Grandma whispered in her ear, still rubbing firmly.

She remembered the feeling like it was yesterday, even though it had been over 40 years since she had felt the fingers of the ice call to her, offering an escape. From what, she had never been sure. But when times got hard, when she was overwhelmed and didn’t want to keep putting one foot in front of the other she would remember. The numbness. Cold so deep her mind froze too. When she searched frantically for something to stop her constant swirling thoughts she knew…. that frigid water had done it.

After their stillborn son she wondered how long it would take the cold to take away that wretched pain. She was only 25 when he had rushed into the world not too early, but so blue she knew he had deserted her long before he exited her womb. If it hadn’t been for the other children she might have come to the pond in the dark days after her third son’s death. But she loved the others too much to even entertain that notion. And so, day after day, year after year she put a smile on her face and tried to be the best version of herself that she could on any given day.

After the divorce, which entirely blindsided her, she thought occasionally of the comfort of the ice. Between working full time, caring for her little boys and trying to eke out a happy life for them, her days were very full and she had little time to entertain these dark thoughts.

The last person to leave her was her dear spunky grandmother. Living by sheer willpower alone it seemed, she had outlasted both of Nadine’s parents and her grandfather. She shoveled her own snow and kept her home and yard neat as a pin right up to her 99th birthday. Nadine wished she had visited more, although she and her grandma had spent most weekends together after the boys had gone off to college. She missed that old lady so much. Why was life so hard? So lonely?

She walked to the pond’s edge dipping her bare toes into the frigid water. Enjoying the pain of the cold she stepped in a little further and waded til the water numbed her legs to her shins and they stopped feeling cold anymore.

Walking near to the shore she pondered her life. It wasn’t bad. It had been hard. And very lonely. But her needs were covered. She had a job, a retirement and a place to live. And she even had this property which she didn’t know quite what to do with. The boys both lived on opposite sides of the state and were busy with their own lives. She felt like an outsider and had no desire to dampen their happiness or interfere in their futures. They rarely called unless they needed something and this just added to her feeling that she was superfluous. They would be sad to find her gone. But her death would not cause a tremendous impact in their everyday existence. She stepped further into the water feeling the invitation to escape…. As she neared the large ice plank she felt herself shivering and wondered again what would happen when she tried to climb on top of it. Or maybe she should just dive straight underneath…. The icy fingers reached her waist now sending out tentacles higher and higher.

As the sun dropped below the horizon she stood shaking both from cold and emotion, wondering one last time if anyone would be truly harmed by her departure. The light from the rising moon suddenly shone directly onto the ice on the pond and from somewhere, she heard a voice. “The end is a door to a new beginning. There is so much yet for you to do.” It was a firm yet gentle voice. It seemed to come from within her or from all around her she was unsure. Maybe the cold had begun it’s job of numbing her mind. Maybe she was crazy.

Pausing, she sighed. She had imagined this end so many times and yet when it was here in her grasp she realized it was never what she wanted. She loved her boys. They had both grown into fine men, one had a wife whom she adored. Shaking uncontrollably she willed her legs to carry her out of the water and to the familiar path. The moon shone directly on the path lighting her way to her grandmother’s back door. This time, there was no one there to rub the circulation back into her legs, so she curled up on the threadbare orange shag carpet and got to work herself rubbing aggressively until her legs screamed in pain.

When she could finally move, she started a fire in the wood stove and rolled up in a thick quilt, handmade by her grandmother. She lay in front of the warm fire and fell into the most restful sleep she had experienced in many years.

Waking suddenly, she realized it was morning. Wondering what had startled her, she reached for her bag and retrieved the phone. There was a message from David, her oldest son. The ding must have awakened her. Stretching her legs she reached to toss another log onto the hot embers and pulled the quilt tightly around her shoulders again.

Opening the message, tears began to stream down her face. Like a massive spring thaw bursting through the melting ice dam all the tears she had held inside for so many many years poured out in big ugly sobs. As she realized the reality of what she had almost done and what she had nearly given away, she hugged the phone tightly to her chest.

When the long awaited and badly needed torrent subsided, Nadine dared to soak in the message her phone had shared. The message contained one word, "GRANDMA!!!" And a photo of what was to be her new granddaughter.

Every end can be a beginning if we only look for it.

Never give up! You are valuable and you are here for a reason!