The difficult change of parenthood

Having a child is a challenging change, even if it is something you have been planning for. The ever growing presence of social media in our lives is adding pressure to show the perfect life at all times. Seeing people balance work, families, social lives, and managing a house with a smile of brilliantly white teeth can make a lot of us feel like we are doing a less than adequate job. We all fall under this need to show that we are coping, so only post pictures of the cute moments from our day to day lives.

Up to 20% of women suffer with mental health issues during pregnancy and the first year of their child's life. Only 50% of women will receive no support. This is not just an issue for new mums, 50% of new dads experience a level of postnatal depression themselves and that is just the number that go to the GP many more go undiagnosed. I myself am one of those 20% suffereing with antinatal depression, psychosis, and bulimia during my pregnancy. Three years on and I am still working hard to get better. Having a new child is a sleep deprived, slightly chaotic time which can add fuel to the fluctuating hormones and very steep learning curve that comes from actually becoming a parent. Read as many parenting guides as you want nothing will prepare you for what it really feels like in the moment.

There is this preconceived notion that this should be one of the happiest time of our lives and that we should be filled with joy and the birds will sing as if from a Disney film. So when things don’t go quite to plan we can feel exceptionally guilty. These feelings of guilt are all consuming and can leave us feeling isolated, which in turn can make reaching out for help so much harder. Humans are, generally, family orientated social creatures by nature but the modern way of living has a lot of people moving away, sometimes very far away, from their families. This can be another reason why when things are tough for new parents the support network of their family might not be as accessible as they need. There is also a lot to be said for friendships during tough times but on occasion you might be the only friend having a child which then isolates you further as you can’t just go out and do everything you used to with friends when you want to.

We can’t look at how things maybe tough for new families without noticing that lockdown has been an exceptionally trying time for people. Yes we have modern phones to video call people as much as we want or whatapp group with various family members nearly all the time. There is a lot to be said for physically seeing someone and being in their presence that can just left a person slightly for a moment. This is an unusual time we have been living in and has felt like a never ending ground hog day with a sting of social media posts of people showing their best lockdown lives with their exceptionally clean houses and toddlers having fun every day. Some days my biggest achievement has been to just get out the bed and make sure my son has been watered and fed.

This article is to acknowledge that things are tough for new families and for people to hear they are not alone. There is a wealth of support online if you can’t make it to your GP who I would strongly advice trying to speak to. I also appreciate mental health services in the UK are a post code lottery as to what is available to you or what the criteria of receiving help is. The BBC have just launched Tiny Happy People which is a platform that gives support on ideas for activities to do with your child and ideas to try and help the mental health of new parents. NCT is a site to support new parents and has lots of informational support from pregnancy up to toddlers for both new mums and new dads. NHS website lists lots of different charities that could help give extra support to both mums and dads also. You don’t have to suffer in silence.