The Day I Picked up His Banner and Walked With Him

My son is twenty-three this year. Five years ago, at the age of seventeen, he came out as transgender.

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It was on a rainy, Northwest day my teenage child, then known as my oldest daughter, drove off in the old Toyota. A family car no longer used. My child was setting off for a new college experience. Flying the nest.

The back seat and trunk stuffed full of boxes and belongings obscured my view of my oldest heading down the road and away from me. I worried about the visibility out the back window. I silently worried over the three hours of driving between our home and this new school.

Of course, I also mused; Would my child fit in and make friends at this new school? Will my child be happy there?

I never worried about gender. The idea of transgender, my oldest daughter truly being my son, never entered my mind.

At least not then.

Finding out via Facebook.

It was several hours later and I arrived home from a long day at work. I had not received a phone call so I decided to check Facebook. I flipped open my laptop and after waiting for the familiar screen to flash on, I began to scroll.

There it was. My child’s Facebook page and profile picture looking back at me. Only not my child’s name attached. There before me was a new name! Jace. I leaned back from the computer, confused but still staring at it.

My go-to action was to ask my younger daughter if she had seen this new name and what it might mean? Her reply, I think you better call Jace. Upon which she returned her attention to her Algebra book.

Alone in my bedroom, I dialed my child’s number. Anxiety and nerves built up with each consecutive ring. I don’t know what I anticipated but my body viscerally signaled me something was up because of the pit forming in my stomach and the clamminess to my palms growing into full-fledged sweat.

Hey there.

I tried to sound cheerful as my kid answered on the fourth or fifth ring.

How is your new place?

Good mum. It’s all good.

We chit-chat for a few moments before I summon the courage to casually drop the real reason for my call.

So I saw your Facebook page today.

Yeah, is the response.

Umm, well I see there is a new name. Is it a nickname? Are you going by a different name?

I kinda rapid-fire off these last questions realizing afterward they might sound more like an interrogation.

A long pause followed. I waited.

The thing is, it’s not just a name.

I heard my child’s voice finally say. He fidgeted on the other end of the phone. It sounded like he was picking up a glass and putting it down again, only to repeat this several times before he continued.

You see, it’s who I am. I am a boy. I am transgender, mum. I have been feeling this way for a while. Sooo, I am really kinda your son.

That was the day I picked up a new banner.

That day I picked up a new banner, one with the colors of the rainbow on it. I always considered myself a friend to LGBTQ+ people yet never really gave the meaning of being an ally much thought. Until it touched me personally. Until it became about my kids.

I am an ally and a mom. I knew this may be a hard road to walk but vowed I would walk with my son.

Therefore, I began listening. I stopped. I listened. I opened my heart. I paused within myself and my own chatter to make room for the words my son was telling me. I stopped and made room for this new narrative.

His narrative.

So what do you do when your teenager comes out as transgender?

While there are many possible reactions, mine went like this.

The moment following my son's coming out became the definitive moment, for me and for him. He anxiously waited to hear me say something. To know if I accepted or rejected him.

All I knew was, I did not want to lose my child.

My love for both of my kids is unconditional meaning it exceeds bounds including gender, identity, or any prejudice associated with being an individual. I am in their corner, always.

My reply to my son.

In reality, only a few seconds ticked off before I replied. Seconds, which in my mind stretched out to infinity, as if the past, present, and what I could see of the future all came rushing in at once.

When did you start thinking about this? I try to keep my voice steady and even, and my questions non-judgemental yet still caring. My mind filled with a cacophony of questions.

• What does this mean?
• How will you get a job?
• Will people bully you?
• What does this mean physically?
• Will you be on hormones?
• Will that affect your health?

Honestly, mum, I have been feeling this way for years, my oldest, my son, now went on. It was only recently I understood what I was feeling and there is a name to it.

He lets out a little laugh, Well mum, I am in a new city, new school, new friends, and now everyone here knows me as Jace, my real self.

Looking back on that day.

My one regret is I first learned about his intentions from Facebook, instead of in person. I would have liked to hug him close and look him in the eyes as I told him, I love you to the moon and back. Period.

But at seventeen he spread his wings and was flying from the nest. I settled for the daily check-ins which eventually morphed into every few days. Thank heaven for text messaging! Sending off a simple and quick, I love you text to this day is quickly responded with, I love you too.

I asked Jace once why he didn’t talk with me sooner. He admitted he certainly thought about it, then explained moving to a new city, a new school, with new friends seemed like a clean break and time to start a new life with his new, outward, identity.

Made sense to me.

We all deserve the time and grace to grow.

With Jace starting a new chapter in his life, I began looking back on when I left home, setting my sites on a college career. I did not have to align my gender with who I was on the inside but I did shed a layer of my shy outer shell, stepping more fully into myself.

It was like I purchased a new journal and could fill the blank pages with my novel story. The story of who I truly am along with where I want to go. We all have those “fresh-start” and “new-chapter” moments. My son has taught me we can use those times to circle inward excavating another piece of ourselves, becoming more authentically true to who we are.

We all deserve the time and grace to grow. My kids have taught me how to love unconditionally and that life is all about learning. It keeps moving forward.

Here is my favorite reading resource list for more information on LGBTQ+ issues and to keep learning

____________________________MaryRose lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest between mountains and water. She is a traveler, massage therapist, a vegetarian foodie, and most importantly a mother of two amazing grown kids. When not working, she is active in a local Pflag chapter and works for social justice with the LGBTQ+ community.

Stay in touch by visiting my website MaryRoseDentonWriter . With much writing love,

MaryRose