The Day I Found Out from the Internet

"The scars you don't see are difficult to treat." ~ Astrid Alauda

Sunday morning I was lazy as I lay in bed, picked up my phone, browsed my news feed on Facebook, and decided to go to Google my parents ’names.

I have been separated from my parents, and I have not had much relationship with them for more than fifteen years; however, there is a part of me that will always care about them.

I first searched my mother's name and found common articles about her dance lessons, and her name on church and community bulletin boards. From what I've been able to find, it looks like he was doing well.

Then I went to Google my father's name. The first thing I came across was an obituary posted on a business website that provides human cremation and burial services. However, there was no real concealment, there were only a few pictures of a very young man and a profile of a very old man.

Was this my father's chest? It can't be, can it? Shocked, I convinced myself that it was not her cover letter, but I could not shake it off.

Last month I had a feeling that something was wrong, that something bad had happened or was going to happen. At the time, I thought that those feelings were the result of depression and a global epidemic.

When I heard of the death of one of my counselors, who had been like a father to me, I said that these feelings were the result of this experience. Was I wrong?

Later that morning I decided to search for my father's name in the death section on a local online newspaper. His name came quickly, and to my great surprise, I was able to learn about his death.

I was shocked and horrified when I read this funeral story. She had been dead for a month when I started to have those strong, anxious feelings of fear, as if something bad had happened. It all made sense.

My full name, which I had officially changed several years ago, was mentioned at the funeral under his surviving relatives, which quickly turned my nervousness into anger. Did my family think I didn't care? Did they think that I had no right to know about her death?

I reached out to members of my disbanded support group to hear that many others have experienced through parental passing in the same way.

Years ago I was afraid I might find out about one of my parents passing by on Google; however I had removed the fear and forced myself to believe that someone in my family would tell me when one of my parents passed.

In the days and weeks that followed I kept going to Google for my father's name. As I read the recommendations written by friends and other family members, I was impressed to know that I did not know the person they were describing.

He is described as a simple religious man who was a welcoming neighbor, a devoted friend, a family man, and a prominent father. For me, however, he was not one of these things, and as I continued to read the recommendations, sadness and anger had washed away, and I was forced to reflect on the painful relationship I had with him.

I remember her in kindergarten, saying to me over and over, “You are as dumb as a postman.” Later, after visiting his father, he repeated his father's harsh words, "You are a wild hair, and you will end up in pain."

He continued to repeat these words over and over in all our relationships. All the mistakes I made were meted out to severe judgments, such as “You can never do that right, you were wasting your time, you will never be in vain.”

When I failed, he smeared my failures on my face, and to this day failure is one of my biggest fears despite being a successful professional on the other hand.

Many times, he told me:

“It would be much easier to take care of yourself if you did well in your studies.”

"You are illiterate, you are a criminal, you are a jerk, and you are a disgrace."