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The complexities of widowhood

No two women will grieve the same but may have to deal with similar choices.

By Cheryl E PrestonPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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Widows of yesteryear wore what was referred to as Widow's weeds. They wore black veils over their faces and were in mourning for whatever was considered a respectable period of time. Dressing in black does not indicate that a woman truly loved or is missing her husband and not wearing black is no indication of the opposite. I wore a white suit with blue blouse to my husband's funeral because he was dressed in a white suit with a blue shirt. This would be the last time our physical bodies would ever dress alike in this world.

At this writing, my husband of 40 years has been dead for 5 weeks. Some would say the grief is too new for me to discuss my situation but I do not agree. Somewhere out there is another female who is dealing with this same situation and seeking to know how others are handling it. Today I am processing how I will move through life in regard to other men. Television and movies at times have portrayed widows as being hot to trot and on the make, needing to quickly fill their beds. I have been told of situations where women ended up with their husband's best friend because their grieving turned into something else.

Right now I cannot even consider another man because I had only one for 4 decades. That longterm commitment is still important to me and I am not in a place where I am seeking to replace my spouse. My husband's best friend became a widow a few years back and I cannot even imagine the two of us grieving and then hopping into bed. For me, that sounds disgusting but for another woman, it might feel right. I recall a woman in the town where I grew up who became a widow in the early 1970s. She never dated or remarried and spent her time serving in the church. She died in the late 1990s and seemed content to live alone.

I am now mindful where ever I go and am cautious when talking to men I used to be friendly with. As long as my husband was alive if someone hit on me or mistook being friendly for something more I could simply say I was married. After 4 decades of doing this, I really do not know what to say except I am not interested. I do not desire anyone to seek me out because they think I need male companionship. This may not happen but I want to be prepared if it does.

My great grandfather died before I was born in 1958 and his wife my great grandmother who died in 1975 never remarried. I was told in later life that that 2 men who came to visit were her boyfriends but to me they were simply friendly neighbors. All I ever noticed was that they would sit and chat with her for a while. My grandmother divorced her husband when my mom was a little girl. I don't know the exact year but it must have been in the early to mid 1940s. She never date or married again and seemed as though she was content without male companionship.

I know women who never married and as far as I know, never dated and they are in their 60s. This of course as far as I know was a choice but I did choose to be a widow. I honestly do not know how to dress because it was my husband who purchased me flashy suits and dresses and often we had matching outfits. I was already doing all of the driving, paying bills and keeping the vehicle up due to his health issues so those things are second nature. What I dread is the first time I go somewhere and run into people who bring up his death and might make me cry.

In a way, I am thankful for COVID because it has caused so many people to not reach out and give me a hug. Still I wonder if the guy who works at a local convenience store, or the one who works at a nearby retail store will think differently now of me when I speak because they know my husband is gone? Will I have to make sure not to get near the man I saw in a local church who flirted because he wrongly assumed I was single? If I were looking to date again none of this would matter and perhaps I am overthinking it all. This is simply an adjustment I was not anticipating so soon and it is uncomfortable.

I enjoyed being a wife and I loved signing my name as Mrs. Michael L Preston Sr. Women today do not care about taking on their husband's name but I did. I was an extension of this man for 4o years and I became used to it. Please do not misunderstand. I am not talking about losing my own identity in his but our identities were intertwined. Just recently someone commented that they were so used to seeing us together that I looked strange alone. All of this takes some getting used to and I know there has not been enough time. I'm just jotting down my feelings because I know there are other widows who are unsure of what to do next.

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About the Creator

Cheryl E Preston

Cheryl is a widow who enjoys writing about current events, soap spoilers and baby boomer nostalgia. Tips are greatly appreciated.

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