The Buddy System

Fish was aware of blue water shimmering and dancing: it seemed all around her as she began her approach. One-two-three-and-hurdle. The springboard gave way beneath her and then she was airborne. At the top of her lift, she hung in the air for just a moment before beginning her downward flight – for just long enough to see them sitting in the stands, side by side, looking up at her.

Then she was tucked, spinning, spinning, then reach, reach for the bottom of the pool, and the water parted and she slid through. She was surrounded by the shimmering blue, safe and silent, wishing she didn’t have to come up for air.

But she did and as she emerged, the silence was shattered by the cheers of the crowd, and the next thing she knew, they were there, Jeffrey and Mark, hugging her and screaming and looking at her with love and pride in their eyes.

That made her happier than winning, than being a World Champion, than being in the Olympics ever had.

They took her out to a late lunch to celebrate her victory. This was no fast-food sort of celebration. They dressed her up like a doll and took her to a fancy French restaurant. She was perfectly blissful.

A National Diving Championship and lunch with her big brother Mark, and his gentle, handsome husband, Jefferey.

She felt loved and happy to be part of their family. Mark spoon fed her chocolate mousse. “So, what’s next?”

“I think dessert’s it.”

“Come on. You going to go for one more Olympics?”

He slid the spoon into her mouth, and she watched him, his gentle eyes watching her. “Why do I have to make up my mind now?”

“Don’t you think you should have some idea of where you’re headed?”

“I’m not headed anywhere. I’m right where I want to be.”

It was the finest love she thought she had ever seen and she wondered why her brother was capable of such a commitment and she wasn’t. She thought wryly that if she hadn’t devoted her life to diving, she would have had no commitment in her life at all: and nothing to turn to when she had caught Jack in bed with her best friend the night before the wedding.

Jeffrey and Mark renewed her faith in men. She loved to see them together; loved the love they felt for each other; the way they looked at each other, the smiles, the touches, even the arguments. And she wondered if she would ever find a love like that, so strong and true.

She came in one day to hear them arguing about her. Mark was defending her, as always.

“This is her home. She always has a home with me. Don’t tell me to push her out.”

“I don’t want you to push her out. She’s my little sister too. I just don’t think you should let her hide.”

“She’s all right. She’s fine. She spends five hours a day diving. She needs this security.”

“She needs to find a life outside the pool.”

“I’ll take care of her. Don’t worry.”

She had felt a momentary panic when she thought she might have to leave. It had been the three of them ever since she could remember, ever since Mark and Jeffrey had met in college. Her parents had turned away from Mark; had made her choose – him or them. It had been no contest.

And now he stood by her just as she had stood by him. She didn’t feel that she deserved to be loved so much and couldn’t help but run to kiss Mark for understanding her so perfectly, for always being her big brother.

There was nothing else said then, and they had gone to the health club to work out. She took pride in the self-discipline that produced a strong, sleek body, and the finest diver this galaxy has ever seen.

Jeffrey and Mark looked like two of the guys. She couldn’t help but think about it. It had been at a club much like this one many years before when some ugly men with steroid-muscles had been horrible to Mark and she had felt so angry and so frustrated. She had wanted to kill them and had pounded and beaten on their misshapen arms till they laughed at her and said, “Oh, isn’t that sweet? His little sister is here to protect him,” and then she had cried and Mark had to drag her home and soothe her.

“I don’t mind,” he had said. “They’re morons and I just don’t pay attention.”

But he couldn’t ease her pain at seeing the best person in the world treated like he had no right to be who he was. She still felt angry at them, at men, for causing them both so much pain.

Now she worked out to the point of exhaustion, and Mark and Jeffrey poured her into the car, drove her home and put her to bed. She barely heard them say, “You’re so dedicated,” and wasn’t certain if they really kissed her or she just dreamed it.

The warm darkness surrounded her. She could hear Mark snoring down the hall and she listened to her own quiet breathing.

So here you are, wide awake at 2:30 in the morning, staring wide-eyed up at the ceiling. What are you thinking about?

“Well, I’ll tell you Mort. I’m on top of the world. I’m still National Champion, World Champion, and next Olympics, I’ll bring home enough gold to buy out Fort Knox. I’m one happy little fishy.”

Where did that “Fish” name come from exactly?

Skin condition, Mort. I’d rather not discuss it.

Okay, sure. And what does the future hold for you, Fish?

Every championship I have it in me to win.

And then?

This interview is over, Mort. I’m going to sleep.

But she couldn’t sleep then, so she climbed the 10-meter highboard that was always awaiting her in her mind, and after she was cleared for takeoff, she plunged and spun through the air. She practiced her twists and somersaults, tucks and pikes. The water was smooth and soft and she cut it with a silky slice, a perfect rip; the most perfect rip there ever was. Because she was the best, she was the Champion, and she would go on forever.

The sun had barely pierced the sky when Jeffrey found her doing freestyle laps: catch, grab, pull, push; catch, grab, pull, push. She thought of the mechanics of it, remembering when Mark had taught it to her as a baby. He was always patient, always gentle. He showed her over and over, holding her up in the middle when she sagged, showing her the flutter kick, teaching her to breathe.

Now she could do it by rote. She loved the easy rolling motion. Reach, pull, reach, pull, reach, pull and breathe, there’s the wall, flip turn, reach, pull, don’t think. Reach, pull, reach, pull, let the rhythm rock you, rock you, rock you, breathe.

When she stopped at the shallow end, she hung onto the edge of the pool and breathed deeply. She lifted her blue sprint goggles up onto her Speedo swim cap and saw Jeffrey standing above her.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I was wondering the same thing about you.”

“I’m swimming, that’s all.”

He slid into the water beside her. “That’s not all.”

She started to splash away from him, but he grabbed her and pulled her back.

“Don’t leave me now, darlin’. I’m waiting for an answer.”

She sank down under the water, listening to the swish and gurgle as it covered her head. She was safe here. Nothing could touch her. The memories were washed away by the gentle pulsing of the water in her ears. She looked at Jeff’s body refracted by the water, and then bobbed to the surface.

“I’m very patient, Fish.”

“That’s always been your worst trait.”

He smiled.

“I’ve always been safe here,” she said. “I don’t want to leave.”

“Who said anything about leaving?”

“You did.”

“No I didn’t. We just want what’s best for you.”

“Don’t push me away.”

He pulled her to the steps and sat her down on his lap. They sat there a moment, covered with water, her head nestled against his neck.

“Sweetheart, you’ve been hiding out here a long time. Don’t you think it’s time you got on with your life?”

“You don’t think that being a primo diver is being involved with life?”

He pulled her head away and held her face so she would have to look into his eyes.

“We are very, very proud of you. I can’t begin to tell you. But there’s more to life than diving.”

“No, there’s not.”

She wiggled away from him and tried to swim off. Once again he grabbed her. “Listen up, Fish. You came here how many months ago? To train for the Olympics, so you said. And to get away from men, so you didn’t say.”

“Look.”

“No, you look. We’re happy to have you here as long as you want to stay. But you can’t hide from the world.”

“Jeffrey. I’ve been hurt too much. I just need time to sort things out, that’s all. I can’t seem to make things work right. What’s wrong with me?”

“There’s nothing the hell wrong with you. That guy was a jerk. He didn’t deserve you. But you have to be willing to risk again. Where’s your self-confidence? It’s not like you to be so insecure.”

“No, you’re wrong. It’s exactly like me. As long as there’s water under me, I have supreme confidence. I am, after all, a champion. Otherwise I’m just a…well, I have to say it…a Fish out of water.”

“You can’t always play it safe, Fish. You have to venture out there and take some chances.”

“I’m no good at it. I don’t understand the rules, and I’m too old to be this confused.”

He smiled at her. “Trust me. You’re never too old to be confused.”

“I lost my fiancé and my best friend at the same time, Jeff. I’m not sure I can ever trust anyone again.”

He held her tightly. “I know. I’m so, so, sorry. But everyone’s not like that. Honest. Some people respect and care for each other.”

“Like you guys.”

He nodded. “Like us guys.”

She wanted to be a part of it somehow, to share in their world rather than having to build her own. She wondered if it were possible to adopt your own sister. She felt a sudden chill as she tried to push away the thought that intruded on her peaceful world: someday when she dived off that highboard she would land smack dab in the middle of her own life. She shivered and pulled away from Jeffrey.

Then she pulled down her goggles to hug her eyes and did the backstroke the length of the pool, feeling the warm morning sun caressing her face. Safe, said each stroke. Safe, safe, I’m safe, here I’m safe. When she reached the far end of the pool, she let herself sink to the bottom. Down, down, down and then moving forward, wiggling like a tadpole.

So safe beneath the surface, but then her lungs were burning, bursting, and she exploded to the surface, gasping for life-sustaining oxygen. She climbed from the pool, stopped to kiss her brother who stood watching her, and then climbed the highboard, discarding her goggles and swim cap along the way.

She was high. Queen of the world. She could feel them watching her, eyes and hearts of love, and she felt more love for them than she thought was her rightful share of love in this world.

She cleared the board and tuck, spin and layout, down, down into the silent depths. “Just one more,” she thought. “Just one more World Championship, one more Olympics, just one more gold medal and I’ll go. Just one more. There’s always one more.”

And as she rose to the surface she heard a voice gliding across the surface of the water: “You can’t stay underwater forever.”

“No,” she thought as she submerged again, “but I can give it my best shot.”