The Bittersweet End of Our Beautiful Journey

I’m very grateful to my body for allowing me to breastfeed. I know many women have struggles on their breastfeeding journey, and for some, through no fault of their own, it’s just not possible.

I consider myself one of the blessed ones to have had this opportunity. I also know everyone’s feeding experience looks different and there’s no right or wrong way.

I remember when I was in the hospital just after our son was born, I had midwives constantly pawing at me, literally milking me, and I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be able to keep it up.

Again, once we were home and he was waking several times a night, I remember thinking to myself: I’ll just do this for a few months, and then we can switch to formula.

But somehow, I stuck with it. As time went on, what began as a chore, grew into a pleasure, and then became a precious treat.

Now, my son is 20 months old and for the last six months or so, he’s been down to one breastfeed at night, usually when he wakes up around 3 or 4 a.m. He would wake, and sometimes I’d leave him for up to 20 minutes, but he just didn’t seem to settle without that feed.

I know the heartless experts and unattached onlookers would say he didn’t need this anymore, but neither of us were quite ready to let go.

And then one night, just like that, my little boy let go.

He slept through the night. Then he did it again the next night, and the night after that.

I continued to pump for a few weeks to keep my milk supply going, just in case he needed me again. Eventually, I realised, it was time for me to let go too.

The saddest part is that last morning when we were curled up on the lounge together in the quiet, early hours, I didn’t know it was our last proper feed. What’s even sadder? I’ve been scrambling through my mind, but I can’t even remember which morning it was.

And then, on the night before I decided to stop pumping, he woke and needed me again. Unfortunately, my milk supply wasn’t enough to feed him and he kept asking for “more.” It ended up being quite distressing for me as I felt like I was given one last chance to enjoy this moment, and my body let me down. In that moment, I wished I couldn’t remember our last time.

I wrote about one of these nights once before. Looking back on it today has made me shed a tear.

As I begin my first day without breastfeeding, I realise that after 20 months, I don’t know what my body is like without it.

I’ve decided to turn this ending to our feeding story into a little project and keep a diary for the next 14 days to track my moods, energy levels and food cravings to monitor any changes and maybe start learning something about this new phase of my life.

I’m feeling sceptical as I don’t believe I’ll notice any changes while keeping my diary, so I look forward to sharing all my findings with you in a few weeks’ time.

I’ve always been a very sentimental person, and this has taught me that I’m really going to struggle with milestones like this throughout parenthood. Sometimes I wonder if my fragile heart will cope.

Writing this and looking back on our journey has left me feeling sad. I thought I would include some fun facts about breastfeeding to help lighten the mood.

According to Happiest Baby Australia:

• Breastfeeding burns between 400 and 600 calories per day. Great! Does this mean, I’m going to put on (more) weight? This was supposed to make me feel better.
• Women who breastfeed are less likely to get breast cancer. Since both my Mum and Grandma have beaten breast cancer, I hope this is true!
• Diet can change the smell and taste of breastmilk. My son is probably thanking me for all those chocolate binges I went on!

According to the Australian Breastfeeding Association:

• By the age of 12 months, only 28% of babies are still breastfeeding. I truly am one of the blessed ones.

I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to share this experience with my son, and I look forward to seeing what our next chapter will bring.