The Accidental Maman

It’s all over social media. The current American obsession for all things French, from diet to shoes. Jeanne Damas is the stylish It Girl. Everyone is looking at the French girl’s plate to try to figure out how they all stay so slim. French music is showing up on TV, and French movies are being re-released.

I’ll admit, my interest has been piqued, especially since I spent a month living between France and Switzerland a couple of years ago. One thing that I stumbled upon in my Pinterest surfing was the concept of a French-style of parenting. A concept propelled by such books as Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman, and French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon.

As an American, I am naturally inclined to self-doubt, especially when it comes to my mom skills. Feeling judged for your parenting style is its own way of life here. One quote from Druckerman’s Bringing up Bebe,

“I realize I’m on to something when I discover a research study led by an economist at Princeton, in which mothers in Columbus, Ohio said childcare is more than twice as unpleasant, as comparable mothers in the city of Rennes, France did. This bears out my own observations in Paris and on my trips back home to the United States: there’s something about the way the French parent that makes it less of a grind and more of a pleasure.”

This observation really hit home for me, because even as someone that already did not buy into the helicopter method, I have found that parenting is presented as a job that you never get any credit for or relief from in the US, rather than as a natural, enjoyable, and often a rather easy thing. Not to mention that I actually live in Columbus, Ohio.

The Basic Tenants - As I See Them

Respect

This is one of the main ones. French children are expected to respect other people and themselves. They greet everyone, adults, and other children alike, they say “please” and “thank you”. They wait until the person they are trying to speak to or play with is available.

Independence

French children know how to entertain themselves. They know how to be satisfied with spending time with themselves. They are not afraid to try new things or say when they do not like something.

Patience

French children learn to wait their turn. They do not interrupt their parents. They wait for the swing or the ball. When they want their parents attention, they wait until mom or dad is done talking before they ask a question or make a statement.

Politeness

This goes back to greeting everyone and using “please” and “thank you” consistently. The general idea is that everyone that expects politeness and respect must give it.

My Parenting Style

I decided one day that I was going to try it with my own kiddo, currently 10 years old. As I began to purposely integrate these ideas, I discovered something. For the most part, I was already practicing it.

The Very French

I have always been the type of parent that believes kids should learn to be by themselves—to read, play, draw, whatever—without their parents constant intervention, attention, or praise.

Of my four children, the oldest three are much more ‘outdoorsy’ than me. Unless it’s patio drinking, I fucking hate being outside. I’m a read a book with my cup of coffee kind of person. My youngest is the most like me in this respect. She can sit in her room for hours, reading, drawing, looking up drawing tutorials, researching random topics, chatting with her friends, working on Chinese, or whatever. Not that I’m all about her isolating herself. I simply encourage her to be alright with just being alone with herself.

I also encourage her friendships. She has a couple of friends that she has known since before she started school, a few close friends from school, and several adult friends (yes, adult friends, where she can learn how to be comfortable expressing herself with people of all ages and backgrounds).

This ties into another concept: as a mother, I am NOT only a mother. The best way to teach a child how to be strong and independent is to BE strong and independent. Just because I think the sun shines out of my kid’s ass doesn’t mean anyone else does, and one way to kindly teach this lesson early on is for me to not base my entire existence on my child(ren), but also cultivate my own work, interests, and relationships.

On to the next point, fortified by the previous points—patience. Because I want my child to understand that no one is the center of the universe, I have no problem telling her not to interrupt me, and wait her turn to get my attention (unless it’s an emergency/time-bound, of course). I return this respect and patience by not expecting her to jump when I snap, but to finish up what she is doing and come along.

Something I find myself saying A LOT is “you are your own autonomous human being.” This means that she has a voice and a choice in her life. I do not force activities on her, I don’t drive all over town from one lesson to another practice. If she is interested in something, we pursue it, but I don’t force her to join the band or play soccer to make her more well-rounded or to look good on her college applications. Please note, I suggest new interests and activities, and we discuss why she may be interested or not, and go from there.

This personal autonomy also means that if she doesn’t feel like talking or hugging, I don’t get to force her... AND NOBODY ELSE DOES EITHER! This translates to the intensely important lesson of self-respect, body autonomy, and boundaries—which allows her to trust her gut and stand her ground, including in good touch/bad touch situations.

The Not-So-French

As a single mother, I am often found in a ‘pick your battles’ situation. I am a super-picky eater, and this is something I have passed on, likely the result of both nature and nurture. When it comes to mealtime, it just doesn’t bother me to make two meals. It’s just the two of us, and we often eat at different times anyway. This is not in alignment with the French way of eating together, and everyone eating the same things. She doesn’t have issues with trying new things, or eating what is served at friends’ houses or at events, so I’m really just not pressed about this one.

There are aspects of the French style of parenting that I don’t buy into, as there will be with anything. They aren’t big on breastfeeding in general, and woman are expected to be back to pre-birth weight within a couple of months. The priority to maintain a separate self seems to run deep enough that there is a desire to not be inconvenienced, I suppose. There is also a tendency to lean into the “they're just men” concept, forgiving fathers for a lack of involvement.

Our Results

The French style of parenting reminds me a lot of how I was raised. I went outside to play in the front yard all day long with just a group of other people just as young, and sometimes younger than myself. I ate what was served at mealtime, or I didn’t eat. In the morning from a very early age, I got myself up, got myself ready, got myself to the bus stop, and got myself home, because both of my parents were gone early and got home later. I was quite autonomous. I am not saying this was cool... My parents actually had a keen disinterest in me, so it was actually quite lonely. I was a latch-key kid. I got into trouble out of boredom.

The French reminded me that there is a way to be “involved without being obsessed” (Druckerman). I have created a lifestyle where I am able to walk her to the bus stop and pick her up in the afternoon, because we live in a busy urban area, and the stop is several blocks away. I am there to help with homework, only if she needs it. I am there for mealtimes, for chatting, for going on walks, whatever... but I am also there doing my own shit, and letting her do hers.

My daughter is very independent and trusts herself to make decisions... and on the rare occasion that she isn’t so sure, she is confident in the knowledge that I am there to talk to. She is bright, funny, personable, able to navigate most social situations, she knows her style, her likes and dislikes, and is not easily swayed by other people. She can make logical arguments, ask relevant questions, and have cogent conversations with people of all ages. She is also not afraid to tell someone how she feels, what she thinks, or “no thanks, I don’t want to hug you.”

In the end, I realized that, what I was attempting to do, and what I had already been doing was following the way I had been raised, along with most kids born during or before the 1980s. I wasn’t smothering my kiddo, I was letting her find her own way, but making sure that I was available for, like, back up.